Sunday night Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows

Hot Shit: Zach Randolph, Corn Rows 'n' Tats
.619 - 1.000 - 1 - 32 - 24 - 3 - 1 - 1

Loose Stool: Shaq, Bronxville Bitchsmackers (I also thought about Chalmers...)
.143 - .750 - 0 - 5 - 8 - 0 - 0 - 0

Shart: Raymond Felton, Black Prez (hot shit worthy as well...but it surprises me because I don't fucking expect Ray to do this shit).
.500 - 1.000 - 3 - 27 - 9 - 7 - 2 -0

Tuesday Afternoon Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows

Hot Shit: Deron Williams, Corn Rows 'n' Tats
.550 - .778 - 2 - 38 - 3 - 13 - 2 - 0
This was a tough one, as there were many good nights had last night (Dwight Howard, Kevin Durant, etc) but I felt that being involved in at least 64 points (that assumes all those assists were on 2-pointers) was worth a Hot Shit.

Loose Stool: Andrei Kirilenko, Teen Wolf
.750 - .500 - 0 - 8 - 2 - 1 - 1 - 0

Shart: Thaddeus Young, Black Prezodents
.571 - 1.000 - 1 - 26 - 14 - 4 - 3 - 1

Sunday Morning Dump

A quck daily look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: Gilbert Arenas, WWTMD
.400 - .571 - 2 - 22 - 10 - 11 - 2 - 0

Loose Stool: Warriors named Anthony, Unfrozen Caveman Bogut
Anthony Morrow
.000 - NA - 0 - 0 - 2 - 1 - 1 - 0
Anthony Randolph
.000 - NA - 0 - 0 - 1 - 0 - 0 - 0

Shart: Jason Thompson, Unfrozen Caveman Bogut
.647 - .333 - 0 - 23 - 12 - 3 - 1 - 1

Upper Decker: Dirk Nowitzki, Cowboys
.412 - .800 - 0 - 36 - 6 - 2 - 3 - 1

Dev: desperately trying to get Reeves'd.

Thursday Early Morning Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows

Hot Shit: Kobe Bryant, Bronxville BitchSmackers
.526 - .750 - 1 - 27 - 6 - 8 - 2 - 2

Loose Stool: Mike Bibby, Teen Wolf
.200 - NA - 0 - 2 - 1 - 2 - 2 - 0

Shart: Johnny Flynn, Teen Wolf
.444 - .714 - 1 - 14 - 2 - 9 - 1 - 0

I would also like to note that I completed the Octuplet Register back to the start of our season. I will leave it to someone else to tally up what players and owners have had the most.

Wednesday Morning Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: Lebron James, unfrozencavemanbogut
.483 -.917 - 4 - 43 -13 - 6 - 0 - 1
 
Loose Stool: Anderson Varejao, unfrozencavemanbogut
.333 -.333- 0 - 5 -6 - 0 - 0 - 0  (I actually didn't look through for this one; it's Dois's choice)


Shart: OJ Mayo, Cowboys
.556 - 1.000 - 3 - 28 - 5 - 5 - 1 - 0

I think 4 ocuplets last night...but can't remember who...

Monday at lunchtime dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: Dwayne Wade, Call em Bullets
.625 -.875 - 0 - 34 - 5 - 10 - 1 - 4 
 
Loose Stool: Jason Thompson, unfrozencavemanbogut
.222 -.500- 0 - 5 -8 - 4 - 0 - 0 (He did get 8 rebs, which is nice, and there are similarly shitty lines from a few Sunday night players.  However, his low %'s and 0 stl and blk numbers sealed it)

Shart: Larry Hughes, Power Bottom and Jelly
.417 - .824 - 1 - 25 - 4 - 4 - 0 - 1

After 8 octuplets on Sat night, no one had an octuplet last night.

Very early Sunday Morning Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: Dirk Nowitzki, Cowboys
.458 -.800 - 2 - 32 - 9 - 2 - 1 - 4

Loose Stool #1: Chris Anderson, Mr. Wizard
.000 -1.000- 0 - 2 - 3 - 0 - 0 - 1 (oh birdman, you flew like shit)

Loose Stool #2: Dev Batta, Cowboys owner
Set your fucking lineup.  However, despite not setting your lineup, you're still beating Billy 5-3.  So, maybe keep it up?  


Shart: Kevin Love,  WWTMD (only the 2nd game back from injury, and he's already throwing up an octuplet.  I think he's a complete douche, but I'm glad I picked him up).
.667 - 1.000 - 2 - 18 - 10 - 1 - 2 - 1


Also, 8 fucking ocuplets tonight.  Wow.  Would have been more if not for the "gay" percentage requirements (that's for you, beb).  

Saturday Morning Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: Chris Paul, Power Bottom & Jelly
.462 - 1.000 - 1 - 16 - 6 - 15 - 8 - 1

Loose Stool: Roy Hibbert, Black Prezodents
.000 - NA - 0 - 0 - 1 - 2 - 0 - 1

Shart: Chris Duhon, Cowboys
.625 - .500 - 4 - 25 - 4 - 10 - 1 - 0

Friday Morning Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: Aaron Brooks, Cowboys
.533 - 1.000 - 5 - 25 - 2 - 7 - 2 - 0

Loose Stool: Mario Chalmers, Power Bottom & Jelly
.500 - .500 - 0 - 7 - 1 - 3 - 1 - 0

Shart: Carl Landry, Corn Rows 'n tats
.800 - 1.000 - 0 - 22 - 9 - 1 - 2 - 3

I struggled here; Landry's good now, so maybe it's not that surprising.  And maybe Aaron Brooks should be the surprising shart and and Landry the hot shit.  I don't know.  Discuss amongst yourselves in the comment section.

-WWTMD

Scottie Pippen...

...is an OG Black Prezodent.

(Patrick Ewing is not. But oddly, enough, Patrick Chewing may just be.)

The Real NBA

I wanna talk to Sampson!




There are so many awesome things about this video I don't even know where to begin. For example:
-the actual mid-80s ads you see a few minutes in
-Sampson cursing on national television
-the call on the play? "Punching foul." That's honestly what the referee says
-the difference between the way an incident like this would be commentated today and the way it was then
-Bill Walton mixing it up
and a glass of wine with dinner. Amazing.

Reign Man

Shawn Kemp Dunks - The funniest videos are a click away

Oh, Memphis

The Grizzlies have some uniforms that look like this:

Honestly, I think they're one of the best-, if not the best-looking unis in the Association.

So why, oh why, were they wearing these tonight?

Who is creating the demand for shiny uniforms? Who has decided that nothing says basketball style like lamé? I just don't get it.

Easy, Googs. Easy.

Pre-Season Prez

We're just a few days away from the Season Opener (and our draft) and I was going through the depth charts, identifying dudes I'm psyched about drafting this year. I'm not going to publish that list (well, maybe after the draft), but I'm willing to admit that one of the guys I was on the fence about was Andray Blatche. I decided to do a little research, and was reminded of the time that Blatche was arrested for trying to pick up a hooker who was actually an undercover cop. And of the fact that he didn't have to do any time or anything, he just had to go to a "day-long seminar for men who solicited prostitutes." The arrest is old news, I know, but I'm really curious about what gets taught at that class. What can they possibly say to them all day other than "Don't"?

Also: Heatedness between Lamar and the Birdman tonight. In pre-season! I like it.

Off-Season Notes

So, word on the street is that the Blazers made Lamar Odom an offer but swore him to secrecy in case the deal fell through. Which, of course, it did, as that offer is reportedly what pushed the Lakers to finally make an honest man out of him. The question is: why the (failed) secrecy, Portland? The answer is undoubtedly that they were seeking to avoid the crushing feeling of disappointment it would engender in me to know that a cornerstone player of my basketball fandom could have ended up on my favorite team. But alas... it looks like I'm a Laker fan again this year (and I am certainly interested to see Ron-Ron's impact).
Between Lamar not going to the Blazers, the 'Zards passing up their shot at Brandon Jennings or Tyreke Evans (and those two ending up on - ugh - the Bucks and Kings), and the Commonwealth's own Eric Maynor's one-way ticket to the Utah pine behind Deron Williams, and it has been a summer of mis-placed talent for my favorite players. Where can all these players find a true home? You guessed it... the 2009-2010 Black Prezodents. Only 3 months away!

I should also note that there was one huge positive free agent move for BPs this summer, as Rasheed and Rajon join raforces. The defining Black Prez position-inversion anti-star moment can not be far off: one of the Big 3 misses a wide open jumper, and the slithery guard snakes under the basket for the board and kicks out to the raggedy forward who knocks down a three. Commence pants-jizzing.

Playoff Power Rankings

Having puked thrice already this morning, I find myself inside on the couch on the nicest NYC day so far this year. But at least I have the Playoffs to keep me company. Here's my ranking from 1-16 of what teams I'm supporting during this post-season.

1. Portland Trail Blazers

2. Denver Nuggets

3. Atlanta Hawks

4. Los Angeles Lakers

5. Boston Celtics

6. Detroit Pistons

7. New Orleans Hornets

8. Philadelphia 76ers

9. Dallas Mavericks

10. Miami Heat

11. Utah Jazz

12. Chicago Bulls

13. Orlando Magic

14. Houston Rockets

15. Cleveland Cavaliers

16. San Antonio Spurs

Now, inevitably there are teams that win my heart over with their play in the first round, but considering that I've watched more regular season NBA this year than ever before, I'd like to think that these allegiances will be relatively static. I'd love to year y'all's rankings.

Regional NBA Squads

First of all, if you haven't read the Collegiate NBA Squads post, check that out first. 

After finishing that, I decided to take this a step further and figure out which region could put together the best team. This meant a bit more effort, as it took looking up where each player was born, and then a bit more effort as I realized that where you're born is not always necessarily where you're "from." For example, Paul Pierce was born in Oakland, California, but is far more often associated with Los Angeles. If there were differences between where a player was born and where they went to high school, I tried to do a little research and determine where they would say they "grew up." Going to Oak Hill Academy does not make you a Virginian (unfortunately). Some players, I decided, didn't have a sufficient enough affiliation with any part of the country or world to make a squad: sorry, Kobe Bryant. That's what you get for being so fucking sophisticated and international. 

Anyways, listed below are the teams, with reserves listed where appropriate:

Metrostars 

New York & New Jersey

PG: Rafer Alston, Ben Gordon

SG: Ron Artest, JR Smith

SF: Lamar Odom, Charlie Villanueva

PF: David West, Troy Murphy

C: Andrew Bynum, Elton Brand

I would have liked to have put together an all-NYC roster, but decided that allowing a little regional variety was better than having to include Stephon Marbury and Bassy Telfair. Overall, this might be the most realistic of the regional teams, in that I could imagine an NBA GM managing to put these guys together. That said, most of the other teams are like All-Star squads, so it doesn't bode well for the success of the Metrostars.

Coffee & Rain

The Pacific Northwest (Washington, Oregon, Northern California)

PG: Jason Kidd, Nate Robinson

SG: Brandon Roy, Jason Terry

SF: Marvin Williams, Bruce Bowen

PF: Kevin Love

C: Spencer Hawes

I was pretty surprised at the level of talent coming out of a region not traditionally associated with basketball. Seattle alone boasts Robinson, Roy, Terry, Hawes, and Rodney Stuckey. Still, not a lot of big men coming out of this area, and though Love and Hawes are young and promising, Coffee & Rain will require some frontcourt help before they can compete.

Corn-Fed

The Midwest (Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Iowa, Missouri)

PG: Devin Harris, Derrick Rose

SG: Dwyane Wade, Eric Gordon

SF: Andre Iguodala, Caron Butler

PF: Zach Randolph, David Lee

C: Brad Miller, Greg Oden

A large region, and the first that I'd call a contender. Like Coffee & Rain, the frontcourt has some weakness, and their inside success will depend on the development of Oden. Corn-Fed has four fantastic guards, though, (five if you include Caron) and one of the best players in the game in Dwyane Wade.

DMV

DC, Maryland, Virginia

PG: Allen Iverson

SG: Kevin Durant, Jeff Green

SF: Rudy Gay, Grant Hill

PF: Carmelo Anthony, Michael Beasley

C: Roy Hibbert

I could have made a Mid-Atlantic region, or included Virginia in the Atlantic South, but I thought maybe we could hold our own as a region. Depth is obviously an issue here, as is the fact that Durant, Green, Gay, Hill, and 'Melo are all essentially small forwards. Still, the swagger on this squad is phenomenal, and the idea of AI and Grant Hill (the anti-Iverson) as veteran co-leaders makes me laugh.

Country South

Kentucky, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, Arkansas

PG: Rajon Rondo, Mo Williams

SG: Joe Johnson, Monta Ellis

SF: Danny Granger, Shawn Marion

PF: Gerald Wallace, Paul Millsap

C: Al Jefferson, Ben Wallace

Perhaps not surprisingly, this is probably my favorite squad. With the exception of Al Jefferson, all of the starters are either Black Prezodents or would-be BPs. This is also a flexible team, able to bring defensive specialists and pure scorers off the bench. This being the Country South, they're also mostly humble dudes, so no problems with superstars co-existing here.

Atlantic South

North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Florida

PG: Chris Paul, Raymond Felton

SG: Vince Carter, Josh Howard

SF: Tracy McGrady, Josh Smith

PF: Kevin Garnett, Antawn Jamison

C: Dwight Howard, Amare' Stoudemire

This is my pick for the winner. Lots of ACC representation, fitting the region, and lots of damn good basketball. Paul/Garnett/Howard alone is probably enough to win it all for them, even if Carter's motivational issues or McGrady's injury issues become a factor. A Garnett-Howard frontcourt pair could probably keep almost anybody from scoring points in the paint.

Born Commies

The former Eastern Bloc

PG: Beno Udrih

SG: Sasha Vujacic

SF: Peja Stojakovic

PF: Andrei Kirilenko

C: Zydrunas Ilgauskas

Not really a serious contender, but fun to say all these names together nonetheless. 

Rust Belt

Pennsylvania, Delaware, Ohio, West Virginia

PG: OJ Mayo

SG: Michael Redd, Rip Hamilton

SF: John Salmons, James Posey

PF: LeBron James, Hakim Warrick

C: Rasheed Wallace

Thanks God the Rust Belt is shit for b-ball, so that LeBron has a challenge. Luckily, his presence at point-forward can cover up this team's lack of a ball distributor. Still, small size and poor depth make this like the Cavaliers of a few years ago: All LeBron, into the Playoffs but out early.

Fallen Empires

Spain, France, Germany

PG: Tony Parker, Jose Calderon

SG: Rudy Fernandez

SF: Dirk Nowitzki, Nicolas Batum

PF: Boris Diaw, Ronny Turiaf

C: Pau Gasol, Marc Gasol

This team can definitely hold its own, and has good size up front with Dirk at the 3. The only thing that keeps them out of title contention for me is a lack of depth.

SoCal

Basically L.A.

PG: Baron Davis, Andre Miller

SG: Gilbert Arenas

SF: Paul Pierce, Tayshaun Prince

PF: Tyson Chandler

C: Brook Lopez

I thought about adding the Desert (Utah, Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Colorado) into this region, but it ended up not really doing much to help the team and eliminated their claim to the title of highest talent-to-area ratio. Truly amazing that this team is all from within probably 30 miles of each other, but they, like other teams are hampered by a relatively weak inside tandem of Chandler and Lopez. If Brook continues to grow, though, this is a solid team a few years down the road.

Conmebol

Brazil and Argentina

PG: Leandro Barbosa

SG: Manu Ginobili

SF: Andres Nocioni

PF: Luis Scola, Anderson Varejao

C: Nene

Easily the most dramatic team in the tournament, guaranteeing moments of potentially all five starters flopping to the floor.

Lone Star

Texas

PG: Deron Williams, TJ Ford

SG: Stephen Jackson, Boobie Gibson

SF: Rashard Lewis, Anthony Randolph

PF: Chris Bosh

C: Shaquille O'Neal, Emeka Okafor

Our Cluj final match-up was all-Austin, and I suspect the regional final could involve some Texans as well. This is a solid squad from top to bottom, and with Bosh/O'Neal/Okafor, has what a lot of other teams lack: size. These guys squaring off against Howard/Stoudemire/Garnett in the final would be a treat, and would also offer up the classic Paul-Williams match-up. I'd pay to see it: let's make it happen.

So what do y'all think? Who's your winner? Who'd I leave out? What line-up changes would you make? Just how long did I spend on this?

Collegiate NBA Squads

For no real reason whatsoever, I found myself wondering as I fell asleep last night which NCAA program could put together the best starting 5 of current NBA players. Without a doubt, Wake Forest has the best top players, boasting a Big Three of Tim Duncan, Chris Paul, and Josh Howard, but there's only one other Demon Deacon in the whole league (Darius Songaila), so they're eliminated from the tourney.

Since it's my Spring Break, and since I'm at my sister's (who has a working computer), and since I don't have a car to take me anywhere, and since it's raining outside, and since I'm a dork, I spent the past few hours researching and putting together starting 5s. The fruits of my labor:

UConn Huskies

PG Ben Gordon

SG Ray Allen

SF Caron Butler

PF Rudy Gay

C Emeka Okafor

Bench: Rip Hamilton, Charlie Villanueva

A top contender for sure, but not very well-balanced and without a real point guard. This team could shoot jumpers all day, with Okafor just sitting down low to grab their misses and kick 'em back out, but I don't see them being able to stop anybody from scoring either.

Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

PG Stephon Marbury

SG Jarrett Jack

SF Thaddeus Young

PF Matt Harpring

C Chris Bosh

Bench: Will Bynum

Not really that high on talent level, but I included them just because I was surprised they could field a squad at all. Also it's notable that everyone here is essentially at their natural position.

Kansas Jayhawks

PG Mario Chalmers

SG Kirk Hinrich

SF Paul Pierce

PF Drew Gooden

C Darrell Arthur

Bench: Brandon Rush

Pretty lame big men, but the Truth gives them enough legitimacy to be in the conversation.

North Carolina Tarheels

PG Raymond Felton

SG Vince Carter

SF Marvin Williams

PF Antawn Jamison

C Rasheed Wallace

Bench: Brendan Haywood, Jerry Stackhouse

I wasn't really sure if Stack was still alive or not, but if he is and he can still play basketball I'd probably plug him in at 2, move Carter to 3, and bump Marvin Williams. Kind of shocking, though, that UNC hasn't produced anybody to supplant Stack-Sheed/Carter-Jamison in the past 10-12 years. I don't really see Psycho T doing that NBA-wise, either.

Duke Blue Devils

PG Chris Duhon

SG Luol Deng

SF Corey Maggette

PF Carlos Boozer

C Elton Brand

Bench: Grant Hill, Shane Battier, Mike Dunleavy, JJ Redick

Undoubtedly the deepest bench, which is not surprising considering that Duke has been producing NBA bench players for 25 years now. This is a good, deep group, but they would have looked a lot better a year ago, before Brand and Boozer had serious injuries, and when Maggette was still looking solid in LA.

Florida Gators

PG Corey Brewer

SG Mike Miller

SF Udonis Haslem

PF David Lee

C Al Horford

Bench: Matt Bonner, Joakim Noah

Probably the best defensive squad here, especially with Haslem, Lee and Horford hitting the boards. Still, not a lot of star power or firepower other than Miller and Bonner bombing from outside.

Arizona Wildcats

PG Gilbert Arenas

SG Jason Terry

SF Richard Jefferson

PF Andre Iguodala

C Channing Frye

Bench: Mike Bibby, Luke Walton

Along with UConn, probably the most talented group, but with the same sort of positional problems and absolutely no legit big men. Everybody (well, everybody but Channing Frye) is gonna want to have the ball in their hands and put it through the hoop. And Arenas/Terry/Jefferson all essentially have the same game. Still, they'd score at will.

Texas Longhorns

PG TJ Ford

SG Boobie Gibson

SF Kevin Durant

PF LaMarcus Aldridge

C Chris Mihm

Bench: DJ Augustin

This actually turned out to be my favorite squad, and I think they'd have a chance to win. Everyone is at their natural position. You've got one of the top 10 players in the league (Durant), a legit big man (Aldridge), outside shooting (Gibson) and a solid ball-handler (TJ Ford). But then there's Chris Mihm. If I was the coach of this team, I'd probably play as much small-ball as I could get away with, plugging Augustin in at the point and playing with three guards, Durant and Aldridge.

UCLA Bruins

PG Baron Davis

SG Jason Kapono

SF Trevor Ariza

PF Matt Barnes

C Kevin Love

Bench: Russell Westbrook, Jordan Farmar

A team of role players with Diddy as the focal point? It could work: Diddy drives, draws defenders, kicks out to Kapono for the three. Diddy drives, draws defenders, lays off to Ariza for the jam. Diddy drives, throws up a wildly ambitious layup that clanks off the rim, Barnes and Love grab the board. Yes, this is probably the least-talented group here, but you have to think of the team dynamic.

OK those were the best nine teams I came up with. Who do you guys think takes it? Is there another school out there that could compete that I'm forgetting? Are there other players from these schools that I've overlooked?

Oh JR

11 threes...

that's some Hot Shit.

Shit

My computer has gone from only working when plugged in and jammed into the floor in an awkward position to not working at all. Posts will be spare until I can get it working again. All apologies to our Finalists, who deserve better for their championship match-up.

Morning Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: Dwight Howard, One Down...

.500 - .750 - 0 - 21 - 23 - 5 - 3 - 4

I'd also like to note that Thursday night's Hot Shit JR Smith dropped another 7 threes last night, bringing his two-game total to 15!

Loose Stool: Wilson Chandler, Montazuma

.286 - N/A - 0 - 4 - 5 - 0 - 0 - 0

Upper Decker: Caron Butler, Fear the Turtle

.625 - .714 - 2 - 27 - 2 - 3 - 2 - 0

League MBPs

There are probably thousands of fantasy basketball league commissioner/bloggers out there, and probably hundreds of them name the MVPs for each team at the end of the season. But only here on the Faculty of Letters will you see the league MBPs, which is to say the Most Black Prezodential players for each team in Cluj. With my season basically over, and with several long-time Black Prezodents recently disappointing me (I'm looking at you, B-Diddy and Rasheed), it's time to evaluate who of this year's non-Black Prezodents are the best candidates for next year's squad.
For those of you who enjoy drafting spitefully (Beb), I recommend you bookmark and save this document in anticipation of crushing my soul during next year's draft.

Monta's Revenge aka Browless Wonders
Featuring a panoply of players I hate (Charlie Villanueva, Luis Scola, Jamal Crawford, Jeff Foster), it's not easy finding a Black Prezodent amidst this collection of suckers and lame-o's. But one man stands out as a BP-type player, and in fact was on my roster last season. He's a potent scorer off the bench, he wears a headband, and his nickname is also his initials. For all this and more, the Browless Wonders' MBP is Jason Terry.

Fear the Turtle
True to their name and home base, Dev's squad is full of DMV (District/Maryland/Virginia) representatives: Bodymore Murdaland's Carmelo Anthony, former Terp Chris Wilcox, and Tuff Juice Wizard Caron Butler. Any of these might make a fine Black Prezodent, but the team MBP hails from further south, and thanks to some quality artwork by the fine people at Free Darko, is also the desktop to my computer. I give you the rare team MBP who is also team MVP, Joe Johnson.

Professor Dribbles
I love me some Kobe. As I've mentioned several times here before, I find him to be a Lex Luthor/Joker-like character, a criminal mastermind who is more interesting due to his evil genius than boring superheroes like LeBron or Dwight Howard. And yet, Kobe is maybe too iconic to be a true Black Prezodent. And while his thinly-disguised malevolence makes him a fascinating character, he is probably not suited to occupy the BP Oval Office. Similarly, I would have named Derrick Rose a first-ballot Black Prezodent after his season in Memphis last year, but a year in Chicago red has largely turned me against him. Trevor Ariza was my boy until his brutal foul on Rudy Fernandez a few weeks ago and subsequent lack of remorse. So is there anyone amongst the Dribblers that qualifies as an MBP? I see only one player whose game is high-flying, bad-ass, and yet ultimately useless enough to render him a Black Prezodent: Tyson Chandler.

Snap Jelly Soldiers
This is a pretty easy one (at least for me and those that know my basketball fandom well, which is to say anyone reading this), so I'll take a minute first to acknowledge that OJ Mayo, on another team, would probably be a solid candidate for the Black Prezodency. If you've ever heard the story of how he ended up at USC--essentially eschewing the recruiting process by calling Tim Floyd one day, unprompted, and telling him he was coming--you know the attitude of a potential BP (as long as you can back that swagger up). But the true MBP of this team would probably never do anything like this. Instead, he'll sacrifice his body (and brain) for a wild block attempt or out-of-bounds salvage, and is soulful enough to miss half a dozen games when there's a death in the family, even though he'd return from a punctured lung(!) after just a few weeks. Of course it's the man known as "Crash," Gerald Wallace.

Dominique Moceanu
When I started this blog, I did a semi-regular segment known as "This Week in Black Prezodential History," in which I identified old-school players who fit the BP ethos. I retired the segment before completing the chronology, but the idea was always going to be for the first Black Prezodent to be an old favorite of mine, James Worthy. Why do I mention this now? Because rumor has it that, coming back from his detached retina surgery, Amare' Stoudemire is going to start sporting rec-specs. And when he does, don't you think he'll look just like this?:

One Down... One to Go
My fantasy squad last year featured Josh Howard, and as a remarkably candid and admitted pot-smoker, he certainly would be welcome to one of the Black Prezodent's post-game parties. But in a way his game is a bit too understated and traditional to truly be Prezodential. No, the One Down player whose physical freakishness, cool nickname (J-Smooth), and tendency to disappear for games at a time only to break out in a 5-minute spurt of brilliance most meets the Black Prez standard of dopeness is undoubtedly Josh Smith.

Black Ice
Hakim Warrick. I don't really have any idea why. He's not particularly good. And I don't know enough of his personality to know if he's cool. But for some reason, every time I looked at Reeves' roster this season, I thought to myself, "If I thought Reeves would respond to a trade offer within three months, I'd try to get Hakim Warrick.

Kill Whitey
Oh boy. Kill Whitey is my sworn enemy, and although the Black Prezodents are not entirely dedicated to having all-black players, there aren't many whiteys around who fit in to our little family. The only non-afro player to join the squad this year (Rudy Fernandez) did not do so until a week ago, and he had the threefold benefits of being a) a Blazer, b) swag-tastic, and c) a swarthy Spaniard. By that logic, only one of these honkies could survive in a mostly dark-skinned, big-dicked BP locker room. He plays for a team I like to root for; he's not exactly swaggy, but he does have the snooty scruffiness of a Brooklyn hipster; and he is, again, a swarthy Spaniard: Pau Gasol. (Pow!)

Great Oden's Raven
We all remember the little tantrum I threw back in October when Beb drafted Greg Oden ahead of me. And indeed, Oden would be the leading MBP on almost any team in the league. He's also, on a personal level, probably one of the players I'd most like to have. But the Black Prezodents aren't just about me: they're about a concept that goes far beyond me. A belief that arises from the Black Prezodent in each of us. And the player who most epitomizes that belief is not, in fact, Greg Oden. As (I think) Will said recently: "How is Stephen Jackson not a Black Prezodent?" How, indeed?

Working's fo Suckers
Part of Oden's appeal, aside from being a lumbering 7-footer, a humorous blogger, and a middle-aged man masquerading as a 20-year old, is that he's a Blazer. My love for Portland has been well-documented on this blog, but I'll take a moment now to explain again: while an inborn love for the home-town team is a force not to be fucked with, there's a magical force at work when you find a team that you have no specific connection to and yet find them to perfectly match your idea of "your team." And when that connection manages to last, as mine has from the Pippen-'Sheed-Sabonis days to the Roy-Aldridge-Oden days, there's something special there. And part of the joy of following a team like that is knowing the whole squad, not just the stars but the guys off the bench who make the team what they are. Such is the case with Working's fo Suckers MBP, a bench Blazer who is nevertheless a bad-ass. Many's the time I've watched him come off the bench to dominate the fourth quarter, and in post-game interviews he's revealed himself to be a cool, Southern dude whose laid-back demeanor belies his ability to pour on the offense when called upon to do so. His nickname is "Catfish," which is an especially appropriate one in this context because I actually had him on my roster for a brief spell back in the fall, and foolishly let him go. He is the one that got away: Travis Outlaw.

Screen Team
I've spent the past two paragraphs raving about Blazers' players, and then I come to the team with Brandon Roy and Lamarcus Aldridge. It'd be easy to pick either of these guys as an MBP, but in the interests of not going totally Blazer-centric, I'll focus my energies elsewhere. So is there another Screen Teamers with a badass game, who plays for a team I root for, with a bad-ass game? There sure is: Raymond Felton.

So there you have it: the Most Black Prezodential players from across the Cluj University league. How would a full roster of these players fill out? Let's take a look:
PG: Raymond Felton
SG: Joe Johnson
G: Jason Terry
SF: Stephen Jackson
PF: Gerald Wallace
F: Josh Smith
C: Pau Gasol
C: Amare' Stoudemire
U: Travis Outlaw
Bench: Tyson Chandler

Bench: Hakim Warrick
Not a bad squad, right? And all unimpeachably (get it?) cool. Here's hoping that that line-up vaguely resembles the 2009-2010 Black Prezodent roster.

Afternoon Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: Chris Paul, Browless Wonders
.571 - .875 - 4 - 43 - 4 - 9 - 3 - 0
LaMarcus Aldridge's 35 & 18 was a very close second.

Loose Stool: Udonis Haslem, Screen Team
.000 - 1.000 - 0 - 2 - 1 - 0 - 0 - 0
Yes, he had to leave the game with an injury, but that was late in the third quarter and he'd already played 22 minutes, 22 minutes of solidly loose stool basketball.

Upper Decker: Jamal Crawford, Browless Wonders
.524 - .929 - 4 - 39 - 4 - 5 - 1 - 0
Is the true "Monta's Revenge" taking up a starting spot while Crawford's Hot Shit-worthy night goes wasted on the bench?

Also: Will, please check my response to your comment in the last Morning Dump

Morning Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: J.R. Smith, Black Prez
.571 - .667 - 8 - 28 - 2 - 7 - 0 - 1
Not the hottest Hot Shit ever, and maybe LeBron had a better overall night, but you gotta give it up to those 8 threes.

Loose Stool: Andrei Kirilenko, Kill Whitey
.100 - .750 - 1 -6 - 4 - 1 - 0 - 1

Upper Decker: Ramon Sessions, Black Ice
.500 - .857 - 0 - 18 - 5 - 10 - 4 - 0

Getting my feet wet again with this one. More substantive posts coming soon as the road to the Finals continues.

9 Fucking Points...

...is what kept me from a berth in the next round of the playoffs. Sunday's Black Prez scoring: 9 for Lamar, 8 for McDyess, 6 for Rondo, and 4 for Horford. Fucking despicable.

Morning Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: Chris Bosh, Screen Team
.556 - 1.000 - 0 - 21 - 13 - 6 - 1 - 3

Loose Stool: Nate Robinson, One Down...
.500 - N/A - 0 - 8 - 1 - 4 - 0 - 0

Upper Decker: Chris Duhon, Prof. Dribbs
571 - 1.000 - 4 - 15 - 4 - 7 - 1 - 0

Morning Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: Dwight Howard, One Down...
.611 - .500 - 0 - 24 - 21 - 2 - 2 - 4

Loose Stool: Randy Foye, Suckers
.100 - 1.000 - 1 - 8 - 1 - 4 - 0 - 0

Upper Decker: TJ Ford, One Down...
.571 - 1.000 - 0 - 20 - 9 - 3 - 0 - 1

Charts & Figgers: Special Playoff Preview Edition

Though I haven't been ultra-competitive during the regular season, preferring instead to focus on building my team around a certain philosophy (badassical dudes), for the Playoffs I decided to take things seriously. To that end, I built a spreadsheet to predict my performance (and my opponent's performance) for the week, using past-month averages and games played. I figured I could figure out which specifically which categories I should go after and which I could afford to sacrifice, etc. As it turns out, my optimum line-up is exactly the same as the line-up I would have put in with no statistical analysis whatsoever, and there are no changes to make other than simply playing my best players.
But anyways, having made the spreadsheet and found the results, I figured I might as well share them with you, especially now that the games have begun and there's no more changes to be made. I also put Great Oden's Raven and Screen Team through the same spreadsheet to produce results for them. My statistical knowledge/willingness to do math is not good enough to figure out a good way to calculate team percentages, so I just took the average of all the players, which is not even remotely correct. Still, here's what I came up with:

Black Prezodents' Projected Week 22:
.475 - .761 - 41 - 584 - 258 - 138 - 37 - 28

One Down... One to Go's Projected Week 22:
.485 - .735 - 35 - 601 - 214 - 99 - 34 - 29

Projected Outcome: 5 - 3 Black Prez victory

Great Oden's Raven's Projected Week 22:
.450 - .833 - 34 - 542 - 174 - 135 - 34 - 18

Screen Team's Projected Week 22:
.497 - .813 - 13 - 488 - 190 - 90 - 33 - 18

Projected Outcome: 5 - 2 - 1 Great Oden victory

As you can see, the match-ups to watch this week are points, steals and blocks in the Bardey-Sovic battle, and rebounds, steals and blocks in the Bernier-Screen tilt.

Or these projections will be totally inaccurate and mean nothing. Fun though, right?

Afternoon Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: Tyrus Thomas, Professor Dribbles
.538 - .800 - 0 - 18 - 12 - 5 - 1 - 1

Loose Stool: Brad Miller, Great Oden's Raven
.286 - .750 - 0 - 7 - 5 - 0 - 0 - 2

Upper Decker: Paul Millsap, Working's fo Suckers
.500 - .600 - 0 - 15 - 9 - 1 - 1 - 3

Morning Dump

A quick daily look at yesterday's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: Dwight Howard, One Down...
.667 - .455 - 0 - 29 - 14 - 2 - 1 - 4

Loose Stool: Ryan Gomes, One Down...
.250 - 1.000 - 0 - 6 - 0 - 0 - 1- 0

Upper Decker: Kenyon Martin, Black Prez
.500 - .857 - 0 - 18 - 9 - 2 - 4 - 2

Week 21 Review: Game Re-Caps

What you missed if you were only paying attention to your own game, you selfish prick.

The last week of the regular season seemed to be nearly irrelevant, with all of the playoff spots already decided and the seedings seemingly locked in. Yet a strange combination of results showed that it truly ain't over 'til it's over. Let's take a look...

Black Prezodents 6 (fg%/3pm/pts/reb/ast/blk)
Working's fo Suckers 1 (ft%)
In his first week back for the Prezbos after a lengthy layoff, Danny Granger was not nearly as spectacular as he had been earlier in the season. But the presence of their leader seemed to fire up the rest of the squad, who led the league in boards and assists and finished in the top three in three other categories despite getting nothing from Rasheed Wallace all week. Having watched Granger, Antawn Jamison, Rajon Rondo, and Lamar Odom all spearhead the team at various times during the season, Ol' Man River Antonio McDyess decided in Week 21 that it was his turn to re-live his glory days with the Nuggets. Inspired by my recent craps post, the man known as "Dice" averaged 16 points and 15 boards this week, as well as blocking six shots.
Of note: The Prezbos and Suckers tied at 23 steals, which was the total for five Cluj teams this week.

The Browless Wonders 7 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast/stl/blk)
Great Oden's Raven 1 (3pm)
This was one of the most shocking results of the week, and the one that had the greatest playoff seeding impact. After Week 20, Bardey was well ahead of Shoaf in the standings, and with Will taking on the normally strong G.O.R. team, One Down... had every reason to believe they'd hold on to a 1st-round playoff bye. The real question was whether Beb could surpass Shoaf in the rankings to gain home-court advantage, which means absolutely nothing in the realm of fantasy sports. Instead, the Ravenettes absolutely laid an egg, allowing the Wonders to slide past One Down... into the Bye position. When pressed for a reason for this collapse, Bernier complained of "injuries, injuries, injuries," but from what I can see the Great Oden starters only missed two games due to injury, pretty standard for any given week in the life of a Cluj team. To me it just looked like these guys shit the bed. 37 points for Chauncey Billups? 11 boards for Rashard Lewis? 2 threes for Dwyane Wade? That's just pussy shit. Meanwhile, the Browless ones were amongst the top two in the league in five different categories. That's how you enter the playoffs on a good note. Hopefully those guys will spend the next week cooling off

Kill Whitey 5 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast)
Fear the Turtle 3 (3pm/stl/blk)
If Dev is looking for a silver lining to the cloud of his Week 20 defeat, he can take solace in the fact that he was taken down by one of his own. No, I'm not referring to an Indian NBA phenom (we haven't gotten that international yet), but rather the performance of former Terp Steve Blake, who led the Whiteys in threes (13) and assists (27), two categories that the Turtles lost. Blake also led the team in steals (5), free throw percentage (1.000), and was third in points (60). For the team that won. Steve Blake. This should give you a good idea as to the quality of these two teams. Enjoy the consolation bracket!

Black Ice 4 (fg%/3pm/ast/blk)
Professor Dribbles 3 (ft%/pts/reb)
I've been giving Black Ice shit all season for being an absentee owner, and recently for being an active owner making utterly pointless moves, but I have to give him credit for his first win since Week 2. How did Dribbles manage to lose to a team that was still in the bottom fourth of the league in five different categories? I'm not sure. It doesn't actually seem mathematically possible to me. But it happened. I think it's safe to say that both teams suck.

Snap Jelly Soldiers 6 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast/stl)
One Down... One to Go 2 (3pm/blk)
This was the other game with major playoff ramifications, and a few more rebounds out of the One Down crew might have saved Bardey a tough first-round match-up against the Prezodents, but his guys just couldn't get it done. Though they ended the season only separated by 6 wins, this game showed the level of difference between Snap Jelly and the other top teams in the league. ODOTG only had "bad" weeks in two categories (ft% and steals), but when the Soldiers come out with top-3 performances in free throw percentage, points, assists, steals, and blocks, note being bad is not nearly good enough. As long as there is someone to back up LeBron, Steffens is hard to beat, and this week it was Gerald Wallace, who averaged 21 points, 8 boards, 5 assists, 2 steals, and 1.5 blocks.

Screen Team 7 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast/stl/blk)
Dominique Moceanu 1 (3pm)
Though I owe Billy some for his fair and honest actions in our aborted trade earlier this season, I would be remiss in my role as commissioner/commentator if I did not call him to task for his performance this week. Devin Harris, Allen Iverson, and Peja Stojakovic. Not one minute played between them this week, and yet all three started for the Moceanu squad. Shameful. You know what else is shameful? The fact that a team without Harris, Iverson and Stojakovic could still win three-pointers. Seriously, Screen? This is the team you're taking to the Playoffs? A team starting Andres Nocioni and Dominic McGuire? Will Renaldo Balkman be winning a championship this year? I don't think so. Enjoy the 7-1 victory, Andy, I suspect it'll be your last.

Here are your Week 21 Highs and Lows:
Field Goal Percentage: Kill Whitey .514, Working's fo Suckers .419
Free Throw Percentage: Snap Jelly Soldiers .838, One Down... One to Go .671
3-Pointers Made: One Down... One to Go 38, Browless Wonders 15
Points: Snap Jelly Soldiers 627, Black Ice 318
Rebounds: Black Prezodents 229, Dominique Moceanu 114
Assists: Black Prezodents 144, Dominique Moceanu 57
Steals: Browless Wonders 44, Kill Whitey 12
Blocks: One Down... One to Go 34, Dominique Moceanu 8

And so the regular season comes to a close. Congratulations to Adam Steffens and the Snap Jelly Soldiers, who have won the regular season and secured themselves some money (I can't remember how much and don't feel like looking back right now). I had not previously realized it, but there is apparently a consolation bracket to our Playoffs, so even those of you with atrocious teams will get to continue playing, while the top two finishers (Snap Jelly and Browless) enjoy a week off. Here are the match-ups for Week 22:
Playoffs:
(3) One Down... One to Go vs. (6) Black Prezodents
(4) Great Oden's Raven vs. (5) Screen Team
Consolation:
(9) Workin's fo Suckers vs. (12) Black Ice
(10) Professor Dribbles vs. (11) Dominique Moceanu

Good luck to all except Bardey, who could win this whole league and still not make back the money he lost on the tables a few weeks ago is a real pussy if he can't even step up 3 miles in 6 months.

Morning Dump

A quick daily look at yesterday's highs and lows.

The final Morning Dump of the regular season:

Hot Shit: Dwyane Wade, Great Oden
.565 - .786 - 2 - 39 - 2 - 6 - 2 - 4
Almost every Octuplet has at least one 1. Not for DWade, though.

Loose Stool: Samuel Dalembert, Working Suckers
.400 - N/A - 0 - 4 - 4 - 0 - 0 - 2
Anthony Randolph had worse numbers, but played less than half of Dalembert's minutes.

Upper Decker: Spencer Hawes, Kill Whitey
.615 - N/A - 1 - 17 - 11 - 9 - 1 - 0

Week 20 in Review: Game Re-Caps

What you missed if you were only paying attention to your own game, you selfish prick.

It just occurred to me that I haven't posted game re-caps for last week's games yet. Without further ado...

Working's fo Suckers 6 (fg%/3pm/pts/reb/ast/blk)
Screen Team 2 (ft%/stl)
This is a tale of two teams headed in opposite directions, but it's happened a little too late in the season for it to matter. Heading into Week 20, the Suckers had gone 15-9 the previous three weeks, while Screen Team were 8-16 during the same stretch. The trends continued in this match-up, where Deron Williams averaged a double-double (17 pts, 11 ast), Jason Kidd was lighting it up from outside (11 threes), and Dirk led the team in points (110), boards (37), and blocks (5). The Screeners continued to be hampered by the absence of KG and KD, and despite being the most active manager in the market this year, the guys Screen came up with to replace them (Udonis Haslem and Rashad McCants) have little business starting for a playoff-bound fantasy basketball squad. Durant has since returned, but Screen better hope Garnett follows soon if he hopes to make any noise in the playoffs.

The Browless Wonders 5 (ft%/3pm/pts/reb/stl)
Kill Whitey 3 (fg%/ast/blk)
I have not done the research to back this up, but based simply on doing these write-ups each week, I'm gonna say that Chris Paul is leading the league in steals by a margin of probably 4-5 steals per game over the next best thief. It just seems like every time I write about his match-up he's got way more than anyone else on either team, and not surprisingly Steals was one of the Wonders' most dominant victories this week. That could also have something to do with the fact that Dekker's team is full of big, slow, play-it-safe white guys. And even though the career steals leader (John Stockton) is a whitey, that's because he played Illegal Defense all the time, hanging out in the passing lanes without getting it called because the refs were in his pocket. Do they even have Illegal Defense anymore? I think that rule changed, so maybe Paul does the same thing except it's legal now. In other news... even though I hate most of Will's players, I'm happy to see Jason Terry back and healthy and dropping 11 threes and 98 points on Kill Whitey's head.

Snap Jelly Soldiers 6 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast/blk)
Dominique Moceanu 2 (3pm/stl)
LeBron this week had...
...more points than Rodney Stuckey and Ben Gordon combined.
...more rebounds than Tim Duncan.
...more assists than all three Snap Jelly guards put together.
...more steals than Gerald Wallace and John Salmons.
...more blocks than Yao Ming.
And all those guys, decent players in their own rights, are on his team. How do we keep Snap Jelly from winning the championship? Simple: we hypnotize Reggie Jackson and implant a signal in his watch that, when triggered, will direct him to assassinate King James during the seventh-inning stretch of the Cavaliers upcoming game against the Seattle Mariners.
As for Moceanu...
...nice steals, Mario Chalmers! (13)

Great Oden's Raven 5 (ft%/3pm/pts/ast/stl)
Black Prezodents 3 (fg%/reb/blk)
Honestly, I was pretty happy to come out of this one down 5-3, considering that I spent most of the week at 6-2 and flirted with 7-1 on several occasions. Something must have happened to the Ravenettes shooting touch on Sunday and my guys must have been hitting because that was one of the only times all week I was leading that category. The Prezbos just got slaughtered by Dwyane Wade. His per-game averages: 2.5 threes, 37 points, 6 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals, 1.5 blocks. That's a Hot Shit performance for four straight games. Just unbelievable. Basically, the categories I won--fg%-reb-blk--were won by three guys: Al Horford (.525-40-8), Antonio McDyess (.536-65-6), and Lamar Odom (.379-32-7). Antawn Jamison's 9 threes and 117 points are admirable, but essentially useless against the onslaught of Great Oden, who always get solid multi-cat contributions from Chauncey Billups (8 threes, 23 assists) and Stephen Jackson (6 threes, 26 assists).

Fear the Turtle 5 (pts/reb/ast/stl/blk)
Black Ice 3 (fg%/ft%/3pm)
You would think that with Kevin Garnett out, a multi-time All-Star and champion like Ray Allen would pick up some of his glue-guy, defensive-minded slack, but I've noticed that in this recent stretch, Allen still doesn't do shit besides score and hit threes. I have to imagine that his failure to do anything else has a lot to do with the Celtics recent struggles. It also explains why Black Ice who count on Allen as their best players, couldn't compete with a sub-par Fear the Turtle team in any of the volume stats besides 3s. The Turtles, on the other hand, have a legit star in Joe Johnson, who had a very strong week (10 threes, 126 points, 23 assists, 6 steals) right after I traded him away in my middle school league.

One Down... One to Go 7 (everything but steals)
Professor Dribbles 0
Well, Bardey didn't exactly sweep, but Deyoung did get blanked, thanks to a tie in steals. I'm not sure how Dribbles has managed to squander the talents of Kobe Bryant and Paul Pierce this season, but it may have something to do with starting guys like Tyrus Thomas while Rip Hamilton rots on the bench. Then again, even Coatesville's proudest son probably couldn't have made much of a dent in the One to Go wall of stats this week. Bardey's squad was tops in the league in threes and points, second in blocks, and third in boards and assists. Those are Snap Jelly-esque figures, and not surprisingly those two teams will be chilling with Byes in a few days when the Playoffs begin. Though he lacks one of those LeBron-Kobe-CP3 type stars, Bardey makes up for it by getting solid contributions from nearly every position and having standout guys in certain categories, like Dwight Howard in rebounds (56) and blocks (15) and Nate Robinson in points (107) and assists (27).

Here are your Best and Worst for Week 20:
Field Goal Percentage: Kill Whitey .515, Screen Team .408
Free Throw Percentage: Browless Wonders .862, Prof. Dribbles .713
3-Pointers Made: One Down... One to Go 40, Fear the Turtle 15
Points: One Down... One to Go 668, Black Ice 355
Rebounds: Snap Jelly Soldiers 220, Dominique Moceanu 163
Assists: Working's fo Suckers 130, Dominique Moceanu 69
Steals: Dominique Moceanu 47, Kill Whitey 26
Blocks: Snap Jelly Soldiers 48, Black Ice 6

Match-ups for the final week of the regular season are...
Black Prezodents vs. Working's fo Suckers (Battle of the Boroughs)
The Browless Wonders vs. Great Oden's Raven (Battle of Austin)
Fear the Turtle vs. Kill Whitey (Battle of Guys who have nothing in common)
Professor Dribbles vs. BLACK ICE (Battle of Mary Washington)
Snap Jelly Soldiers vs. One Down... (Battle of Sagoponack Wiffle Ball)
Dominique Moceanu vs. Screen Team (Battle of Marvin Upstairs)

Good luck to all in Week 21, except for Jesse, who will never get his Euro '08 Fun Club steak now that he spends all his time on the Left Coast.

Morning Dump

A daily look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: LeBron James, Snap Jelly
.556 - .900 - 4 - 43 - 12 - 8 - 4 - 1

Loose Stool: Dominic McGuire, Screen Team
.167 - N/A - 0 - 2 - 3 - 1 - 2 - 0

Upper Decker: Al Thornton, Fire Somebody
.526 - .714 - 0 - 25 - 9 - 2 - 1 - 0

Late Night Dump

No late games means a pre-midnight loaf pinch.

Hot Shit: Chris Paul, Browless
.429 - 1.000 - 0 - 29 - 6 - 11 - 6 - 0

Loose Stool: Tyson Chandler, Prof. Dribbles
.400 - N/A - 0 - 4 - 7 - 0 - 2 - 1

Upper Decker: JR Smith, Black Prez
.429 - 1.000 - 6 - 19 - 4 - 4 - 0 - 0

Locker Room Dice Game

As most of you know, I am a huge fan of casino craps and last Friday night Bardey and I headed down to Atlantic City to try our luck at the tables. Neither of us had much success--though a late run brought me back within comfortable enough distance from even--but we did, as always, have a lot of fun. One of the best parts about craps is the table chatter. I am generally a supporter of chatter in any form, be it softball-, CB radio-, or craps table-chatter. Craps is one of the best forms of chatter because you'll yell out something ridiculous ("Six-Eight-Six-Eight-Fourrrrrrrrr!" or "Seven in Spaneesh!") and, if it comes out that way, you feel deeply that it had something to do with the quality and energy behind your yell, even though it was complete luck. However, when you're playing for several hours on end as we were, your chatter can get a little stale, so we started to dig into NBA player numbers to request from our shooters (i.e. yelling "Michael Jordan!" when we wanted a 5 since his number was 23 (2 and 3 adding up to five--I don't really need to explain this, right?).
Considering that we were fairly drunk and pretty tired, our player usage variety never got very extensive or creative ("Comeback Jordan!" would have been a clever one for nine, for example). With that in mind, I hit up basketball-reference.com to unearth some more numbers for our gamble-chatter pleasure. Here are a few of the possibilities I came up with, and I'd love to see a whole slew more from you guys in the chatter section.

"Snake Eyes" (1 - 1)
Chris "The Birdman" Anderson, 11 I'd have to be on coke to be cheering for a snake-eyes roll!

"Ace Deuce" (1 - 2)
Chris Paul, 3
Lamarcus Aldridge, 12
Tim Duncan, 21 Roll out those Big Fundamentals, shooter!
Note: I am not sure why you'd ever want a 3 unless you were playing a Field bet or something, and in all my times playing craps I've never understood what that shit was.

"Easy Four" (1 - 3)
Chris Webber, 4
Reggie Miller, 31
Wilt Chamberlain, 13 Max odds on the Stilt!

"Hard Four" (2 - 2)
Clyde Drexler, 22 Glide 'em on in there, shooter!

"Fever Five" (1 - 4, 2 - 3)
Junior Burrough, 5
Bob Cousy, 14
Jordan, 23
LeBron James, 23
Magic Johnson, 32 How 'bout a little Showtime, shooter?
Dirk Nowitzki, 41 You shoot well for a big man, shooter!
Wes Unseld, 41
Note: The Unseld would be reserved for a roll that hits the back felt on the fly, a la an Unseld outlet pass.

"Easy Six" (1 - 5, 2- 4)
Julius Erving, 6
Carmelo Anthony, 15
Kobe Bryant, 24 I'll take the rapist for 400, shooter!
Kevin Willis, 42
James Worthy, 42

"Hard Six" (3 - 3)
Scottie Pippen, 33
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, 33 Skyhook those dice, shooter!
Larry Bird, 33
33 is clearly the best basketball number, huh?

"Natural" (1 - 6, 2 - 5, 3 - 4)
Lamar Odom, 7 (yet another usage for) Hey Lamar!
Pau Gasol, 16
Hakeem Olajuwon, 34 Bring me the Dream, shooter!
Greg Oden, 52
Note: for come-out roll use only.

"Easy Eight" (2 - 6, 3 - 5)
Tyrone Nesby, 8
Kevin Durant, 35
Darryl Dawkins, 53 Don't fake the funk on a nasty dunk, shooter!

"Hard Eight" (4 - 4)
Derrick Coleman, 44
George Gervin, 44
Jerry West, 44 That forty-four would be Clutch right now, shooter!

"Nina" (3 - 6, 4 - 5)
Dan Majerle, 9 37 seconds!
Rajon Rondo, 9 RondOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

"Easy Ten" (4 - 6)
Walt Frazier, 10

"Hard Ten" (5 - 5)
Dikembe Mutombo, 55 [Wag finger disapprovingly at shooter]

"Yo" (5 - 6)
Yao Ming, 11

That last one is incredible. For those that don't know: in craps, to distinguish it from a seven, a roll of 11 is known as "Yo." In hoops, standing nearly 7' 7", a player wearing number 11 is known as "Yao." This is the sort of magical number shit that has kept the Chinese a bunch of primitive savages for ages, but you know what? I'm starting to believe.

Submit your own in the Comments section, por favor.

Morning Dump

A quick look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: Vince Carter, Fire Leitao
.500 - 1.000 - 5 - 41 - 7 - 6 - 2 - 0

Loose Stool: Rashad McCants, Screen Team
.500 - N/A - 0 - 2 - 2 - 1 - 0 - 0

Upper Decker: Baron Davis, Black Prez
.375 - 1.000 - 1 - 20 - 6 - 10 - 2 - 1

Son of a bitch, that's an Octuplet on my bench.

Morning Dump

A quick look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit:
Dwyane Wade, Great Oden
.487 - .889 - 4 - 50 - 10 - 9 - 4 - 2
Jesus this guy has killed me this week.

Loose Stool:
Michael Beasley, Black Prez
.240 - 1.000 - 0 - 8 - 1 - 1 - 1 - 0

Upper Decker:
Kevin Durant, Screen Team
.450 - 1.000 - 1 - 22 - 6 - 2 - 1 - 1
Screen can't really be blamed for benching KD, since this is his first game in weeks, but it's worth noting that he is back.

An Open Letter...

...to the guy sitting in front of Bardey and me on the bus to AC last night.

Dear Sir:
Oh, I'm sorry. Did our quiet, conventional conversation bother you? To the point that you felt the need to shush or, as you so so eloquently put it, complain that it was "a long... talk"? I truly apologize. After all, this is a Greyhound bus that cost you $17, and you are travelling from New York City to Atlantic City on a Friday night, so I can imagine you need your rest. I mean, you could be sending your hard-earned money back to your family in Laos, but instead you're heading to a casino to gamble it away; that must be exhausting. As long as we're talking, though, let me make a few suggestions:
1) Since we're on a bus with approximately 6 inches of space between my seat and yours, and you've decided that you should fully recline your seat-back, perhaps the problem is that I have failed to fully embrace my responsibility as the man sitting behind you. Your head (and with it, your seat) is literally in my lap, so perhaps I could help you get some rest. Maybe I could massage your temples? They are, after all, six inches away from my face, and as long as I can't so much as shift my legs or lean forward, I might as well stretch my muscles by comforting you. Perhaps I could even sing you a lullabye? Would that help?
Oh, or maybe you could decide not to recline your seat, as I have done on every bus and train I've taken for the past six years? Considering that reclining adds to your comfort about .001%, and makes it so that I am frozen in a rigid, corpse-like state in my own seat, de-clining would seem to server the greater good; but it's totally up to you, brah.
2) Considering that you we're so incredibly close, maybe it would have made sense for you to bring an IPod and headphones on this trip. I mean, I packed light, what with it being a one-night trip and all, but I at least brought some tunes just in case I wanted to drown out the sound of 60 other people on my bus and listen to some of the music I like en route to Atlantic City. It's a crazy idea, I know, but portable, personal music has been around for about 30 years now, so maybe it's something you should look into.
3) Then again, IPods can be expensive, and portable CD players are nearly 20 dollars these days, so maybe that's something you can't afford. I get it, man. The economy is tight and you're trying to save every buck, so let me clue you in. They've come up with these crazy things called earplugs, and they cost about a dollar. Here's how I use them: basically, any time I know that my ears are going to be SIX FUCKING INCHES from somebody's mouth, I get myself a pair of these babies to drown out the noise. It could be talking; it could be snoring; it could be breathing. At that distance, it's more or less a function of BASIC HUMAN BEHAVIOR that I'm going to hear whatever the fuck is going on and I'm not going to be totally comfortable. I might like to drown some shit out. A nice pair of earplugs achieves this in a cheap, easily-available way.
4) Maybe, whatever the fuck your problem is, you could just shut the fuck up and let it go and not be such a fucking pussy. You ever think of that, you stupid son of a bitch? Instead of complaing about people having a conversation and then spending the next sixty minutes swinging your head around like a wild man as you fall asleep, nod off into the aisle, and wake up AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN, you could just stay awake for an extra hour on your way down to the fucking casinos.
These are only a few of the many possible solutions I could propose to the problems you enountered on the prime time bus from the Port Authority to Caesar's on the night of Friday, March 13th. If I can be of any more assistance, please don't hesitate to contact me. I can be reached at youreafuckingfuck@worthlesspieceofshit.com.
Regards!
Jeremiah Johnson

Note: I actually have no problem with this guy. Many's the time I've been on a bus or train between NYC and DC and been totally frustrated with conversations going on around me. As soon as he requested that Bardey and I quiet down, we did, and with no complaint. It's just that I didn't bring any reading material on the bus and had an hour and half to stew to myself about it, and this is what I came up with. If I receive one request with regards to this blog, it's that I be more angry, so I figured I might as well publish this. Hope you enjoyed.

Visiting Lecturer, Vol. 1

Most of us have been doing fantasy since college or thereafter, in the era of web-compiled stats and high-falutin' services offering instant updates, live scoring, and--praise be--chat rooms. We're familiar with the term "roto," but mostly just as a synonym for fantasy or as the fake surname of ESPN guru Matthew Berry. For Browless Wonders owner Will Shoaf, though, 'roto' still exists in its original meaning, from the days when Shoaf's dad and his weird, probably dental-based, friends would do a rotisserie baseball league where everyone is playing everyone all the time.
Still trying to please his Dad after all these years, Will has compiled our league's results as if it were a roto league. I don't think I can cut and paste his formatting (he made a chart!) into this site, so I'm just going to try to publish a link. Let me know if this works:

Will's Roto Analysis

[UPDATE: I've replaced the original link with the one from the comments section that supposedly works.]

Morning Dump

A quick look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: Chris Paul, Browless
.688 - .889 - 0 - 30 - 10 -13 - 4 - 0

Loose Stool: Ben Gordon, Snap Jelly
.100 - 1.000 - 0 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 0 - 0

Upper Decker: Rasual Butler, Black Prez
.389 - .500 - 6 - 21 - 3 - 2 - 1 - 1

Morning Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: LeBron James, Snap Jelly
.435 - .750 - 0 - 32 - 13 - 11 - 2 - 2

Loose Stool: Wilson Chandler, Browless
.333 - .000 - 0 - 4 - 2 - 2 - 0 - 0

Upper Decker: Larry Hughes, Fire Groh
.650 - .889 - 5 - 39 - 6 - 2 - 4 - 0

(Just to be clear, the Upper Decker designation refers to the best performance by a bench player. Quality work, but in the wrong location.)

Week 19 in Review: Game Re-Caps

What you missed if you were only paying attention to your own game, you selfish prick.

Before I dive in I wanted to announce a few changes to the Faculty. Firstly, you'll notice that there's a "Recent Moves" column off to the right. Rather than providing a weekly wrap-up, I'll try to post moves as they happen (imagine Jack Bauer screaming "I need that information in real time!"), so that you can get the freshest version of my opinion on why they are stupid/pointless. Also, one of our regulars has inquired about writing a guest blog, and I would like to widely announce that that is more than welcome. The point of this is to be a league site, and while I like to post my own bullshit, I'd also love to make this a repository of all the different kinds of bullshit we're able to come up with in this group. Please remember to include something to the effect of "This is nowhere near as good as Sovic's stuff" in the Comments section, though, to protect my oh-so-fragile ego. Anyways, if you want to submit something, just send it to me in an e-mail or attached to an e-mail and I will get it formatted into the blog.

Now onto some Game Re-Caps:

Fire Al Groh 5 (ft%/3pm/pts/reb/blk)
Fear the Turtle 3 (fg%/ast/stl)
What an appropriate week for these two teams to play, and what an appropriate outcome. The Hoos' victory over the Terps likely ended their chances at an NCAA berth, while FAG's defeat of the Turtle probably drove the final nail in the coffin of any playoff hopes for Dev. The epitaph on that playoff gravestone (extended metaphor!) may very well want to mention the early-week injury to Caron Butler, who ended up playing only one game in Week 19. CaBron did nearly contribute an Octuplet in his return, but even Tony Parker's big week (112 pts, 30 ast, 60% fgp and 96% ftp) couldn't overcome those three missed games. Bardey's boys had a number of well-rounded performances, most notably Mo Williams' 15 threes, 100 points, 17 boards and 15 assists. They also garnered a rare win in free throw percentage, owing to strong weeks by Williams, Vince Carter, Nate Robinson, and Josh Howard, and a not-awful week by Dwight Howard.

The Browless Wonders 7 (everything but blk)
Black Ice 1 (blk)
There's never all that much to say about these match-ups with Black Ice. Once again he had an 0-fer in the line-up, but Luol Deng didn't miss a game until after the week had started, so I'm not sure we can blame him. Let's focus on the positives for the Wonders: neither Chris Paul nor Jason Terry missed a free throw; Delonte West had a league-leading 13 steals on the strength of an 8-steal game; and Charlie V and Luis Scola both averaged double-doubles in scoring and boarding. If only Will had some big men he might have had a clean sweep by winning blocks. What's that you say? Charlie Villanueva, David West, Luis Scola, and Marcus Camby are all big men who should be able to get some blocks? Well maybe Will should think about getting some big guys who are interested in playing defense, or don't have migraine headaches that keep them out for weeks at a time.

Kill Whitey 4 (ft%/3pm/ast/blk)
Black Prezodents 3 (fg%/pts/reb)
Here's what I wrote on Sunday evening as this match-up was winding down: "So far this season, the Black Prezodents are tops in the league in steals, averaging almost 35 a week. Kill Whitey, on the other hand, is last in the league averaging a mere 13. And yet, as of this writing (sunday, 7:10), the two teams are separated by only one steal." That was me, up by a steal, and I thought it was a secure margin with JR Smith yet to play for me and Chris Anderson yet to play for Dekker. I was wrong; motherfucker tied me in steals. I think my Luck Factor has dipped by at least 1. Then again, I absolutely suck at field goal percentage, but Dekker's Whiteys were worst in the league this week, so maybe, as I suggested, it all balances out. Of note in the win was Steve Nash, who averaged 25 pts and 11 ast and shot 55%/88%.

Great Oden's Raven 5 (3pm/pts/reb/ast/stl)
Working's fo Suckers 3 (fg%/ft%/blk)
I don't normally proclaim a "Game of the Week" or anything, but if I did this would have been it. Of these two teams' 16 stat performances, 10 were in the top 3 in the league, including several in which they duked it out in the same category: Oden #1 and Suckers #2 in assists; Suckers #1 and Oden #2 in free throw percentage; Oden #2 and Suckers #3 in steals. Ultimately, though, Oden gained the slight edge in a few of those squeakers and continued their dominance of a select group of categories. This game also featured some drama, in that these two teams had recently made a big trade, and three of those players were in the starting line-ups. Only Jesse's acquisitions, however, had much to contribute, as Andris Biedrins apparently is not entirely over his injury. Randy Foye also missed some time, but Marc Gasol chipped in 11 blocks to lead the Suckers to victory in that category.

Snap Jelly Soldiers 6 (3pm/pts/reb/ast/stl/blk)
Screen Team 2 (fg%/ft%)
Screen Team is suffering right now from two teams' willingness to sit their stars, albeit for different reasons: the Celtics are a lock for the playoffs, and can afford to give their defensive centerpiece, Kevin Garnett, as much time as he needs to recover; and the Thunder are a lock for the lottery, and can't risk bringing the future of the franchise, Kevin Durant, back too soon. Fortunately, Screen Team is nearly a lock for the playoffs as well, so they can afford the spanking they took at the hands of Snap Jelly. Steffens' team has had a few off-weeks, but they were back in business to start March, leading the league in rebounds and blocks by considerable margins. As always, Snap Jelly was led by LeBron, who's really been stepping up his outside game lately (12 threes), and were helped along by solid all-around stats from top to bottom of the line-up.

Professor Dribbles 5 (fg%/pts/reb/ast/blk)
Dominique Moceanu 3 (ft%/3pm/stl)
If I bothered to name a Game of the Week, I suppose I can go ahead and name this Non-Game of the Week. Only two performances in this match-up--Dribbles' field goal percentage and Moceanu's threes--were in the top quarter of the league. Dribbles did secure the victory, but it should be noted that two of Billy's starters (Jeff Green and Allen Iverson) did not play a minute. Green's injury means that Billy very nearly acquired Baron Davis, Rasheed Wallace, and Michael Beasley in exchange for absolutely nothing a few weeks ago, so once again I have to applaud and thank him for his honest business dealing. Dekker may disagree.

The Best & Worst of Week 19:
FG%: Screen Team .508, Kill Whitey .451
FT%: Working's fo Suckers .856, Professor Dribbles .765
3PM: Fire Al Groh 49, Fear the Turtle 12
Pts: Great Oden's Raven 633, Black Ice 324
Reb: Snap Jelly Soldiers 242, Dominique Moceanu 125
Ast: Great Oden's Raven 154, Fire Al Groh 69
Stl: The Browless Wonders 47, Black Ice 21
Blk: Snap Jelly Soldiers 40, Dominique Moceanu 9

We're less than two weeks from the start of the play-offs, so this is the last chance for teams like Kill Whitey, Professor Dribbles, and Fear the Turtle to make their move. Here's who's battling in Week 20:
Black Prezodents vs. Great Oden's Raven
The Browless Wonders vs. Kill Whitey
Fear the Turtle vs. Black Ice
Professor Dribbles vs. Fire Al Groh
Snap Jelly Soldiers vs. Dominique Moceanu
Working's fo Suckers vs. Screen Team

Good luck to all except for Bernier, porque el presidente no es mas que una marioneta.