An Open Letter...

...to the guy sitting in front of Bardey and me on the bus to AC last night.

Dear Sir:
Oh, I'm sorry. Did our quiet, conventional conversation bother you? To the point that you felt the need to shush or, as you so so eloquently put it, complain that it was "a long... talk"? I truly apologize. After all, this is a Greyhound bus that cost you $17, and you are travelling from New York City to Atlantic City on a Friday night, so I can imagine you need your rest. I mean, you could be sending your hard-earned money back to your family in Laos, but instead you're heading to a casino to gamble it away; that must be exhausting. As long as we're talking, though, let me make a few suggestions:
1) Since we're on a bus with approximately 6 inches of space between my seat and yours, and you've decided that you should fully recline your seat-back, perhaps the problem is that I have failed to fully embrace my responsibility as the man sitting behind you. Your head (and with it, your seat) is literally in my lap, so perhaps I could help you get some rest. Maybe I could massage your temples? They are, after all, six inches away from my face, and as long as I can't so much as shift my legs or lean forward, I might as well stretch my muscles by comforting you. Perhaps I could even sing you a lullabye? Would that help?
Oh, or maybe you could decide not to recline your seat, as I have done on every bus and train I've taken for the past six years? Considering that reclining adds to your comfort about .001%, and makes it so that I am frozen in a rigid, corpse-like state in my own seat, de-clining would seem to server the greater good; but it's totally up to you, brah.
2) Considering that you we're so incredibly close, maybe it would have made sense for you to bring an IPod and headphones on this trip. I mean, I packed light, what with it being a one-night trip and all, but I at least brought some tunes just in case I wanted to drown out the sound of 60 other people on my bus and listen to some of the music I like en route to Atlantic City. It's a crazy idea, I know, but portable, personal music has been around for about 30 years now, so maybe it's something you should look into.
3) Then again, IPods can be expensive, and portable CD players are nearly 20 dollars these days, so maybe that's something you can't afford. I get it, man. The economy is tight and you're trying to save every buck, so let me clue you in. They've come up with these crazy things called earplugs, and they cost about a dollar. Here's how I use them: basically, any time I know that my ears are going to be SIX FUCKING INCHES from somebody's mouth, I get myself a pair of these babies to drown out the noise. It could be talking; it could be snoring; it could be breathing. At that distance, it's more or less a function of BASIC HUMAN BEHAVIOR that I'm going to hear whatever the fuck is going on and I'm not going to be totally comfortable. I might like to drown some shit out. A nice pair of earplugs achieves this in a cheap, easily-available way.
4) Maybe, whatever the fuck your problem is, you could just shut the fuck up and let it go and not be such a fucking pussy. You ever think of that, you stupid son of a bitch? Instead of complaing about people having a conversation and then spending the next sixty minutes swinging your head around like a wild man as you fall asleep, nod off into the aisle, and wake up AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN, you could just stay awake for an extra hour on your way down to the fucking casinos.
These are only a few of the many possible solutions I could propose to the problems you enountered on the prime time bus from the Port Authority to Caesar's on the night of Friday, March 13th. If I can be of any more assistance, please don't hesitate to contact me. I can be reached at youreafuckingfuck@worthlesspieceofshit.com.
Regards!
Jeremiah Johnson

Note: I actually have no problem with this guy. Many's the time I've been on a bus or train between NYC and DC and been totally frustrated with conversations going on around me. As soon as he requested that Bardey and I quiet down, we did, and with no complaint. It's just that I didn't bring any reading material on the bus and had an hour and half to stew to myself about it, and this is what I came up with. If I receive one request with regards to this blog, it's that I be more angry, so I figured I might as well publish this. Hope you enjoyed.