Week 20 in Review: Game Re-Caps

What you missed if you were only paying attention to your own game, you selfish prick.

It just occurred to me that I haven't posted game re-caps for last week's games yet. Without further ado...

Working's fo Suckers 6 (fg%/3pm/pts/reb/ast/blk)
Screen Team 2 (ft%/stl)
This is a tale of two teams headed in opposite directions, but it's happened a little too late in the season for it to matter. Heading into Week 20, the Suckers had gone 15-9 the previous three weeks, while Screen Team were 8-16 during the same stretch. The trends continued in this match-up, where Deron Williams averaged a double-double (17 pts, 11 ast), Jason Kidd was lighting it up from outside (11 threes), and Dirk led the team in points (110), boards (37), and blocks (5). The Screeners continued to be hampered by the absence of KG and KD, and despite being the most active manager in the market this year, the guys Screen came up with to replace them (Udonis Haslem and Rashad McCants) have little business starting for a playoff-bound fantasy basketball squad. Durant has since returned, but Screen better hope Garnett follows soon if he hopes to make any noise in the playoffs.

The Browless Wonders 5 (ft%/3pm/pts/reb/stl)
Kill Whitey 3 (fg%/ast/blk)
I have not done the research to back this up, but based simply on doing these write-ups each week, I'm gonna say that Chris Paul is leading the league in steals by a margin of probably 4-5 steals per game over the next best thief. It just seems like every time I write about his match-up he's got way more than anyone else on either team, and not surprisingly Steals was one of the Wonders' most dominant victories this week. That could also have something to do with the fact that Dekker's team is full of big, slow, play-it-safe white guys. And even though the career steals leader (John Stockton) is a whitey, that's because he played Illegal Defense all the time, hanging out in the passing lanes without getting it called because the refs were in his pocket. Do they even have Illegal Defense anymore? I think that rule changed, so maybe Paul does the same thing except it's legal now. In other news... even though I hate most of Will's players, I'm happy to see Jason Terry back and healthy and dropping 11 threes and 98 points on Kill Whitey's head.

Snap Jelly Soldiers 6 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast/blk)
Dominique Moceanu 2 (3pm/stl)
LeBron this week had...
...more points than Rodney Stuckey and Ben Gordon combined.
...more rebounds than Tim Duncan.
...more assists than all three Snap Jelly guards put together.
...more steals than Gerald Wallace and John Salmons.
...more blocks than Yao Ming.
And all those guys, decent players in their own rights, are on his team. How do we keep Snap Jelly from winning the championship? Simple: we hypnotize Reggie Jackson and implant a signal in his watch that, when triggered, will direct him to assassinate King James during the seventh-inning stretch of the Cavaliers upcoming game against the Seattle Mariners.
As for Moceanu...
...nice steals, Mario Chalmers! (13)

Great Oden's Raven 5 (ft%/3pm/pts/ast/stl)
Black Prezodents 3 (fg%/reb/blk)
Honestly, I was pretty happy to come out of this one down 5-3, considering that I spent most of the week at 6-2 and flirted with 7-1 on several occasions. Something must have happened to the Ravenettes shooting touch on Sunday and my guys must have been hitting because that was one of the only times all week I was leading that category. The Prezbos just got slaughtered by Dwyane Wade. His per-game averages: 2.5 threes, 37 points, 6 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals, 1.5 blocks. That's a Hot Shit performance for four straight games. Just unbelievable. Basically, the categories I won--fg%-reb-blk--were won by three guys: Al Horford (.525-40-8), Antonio McDyess (.536-65-6), and Lamar Odom (.379-32-7). Antawn Jamison's 9 threes and 117 points are admirable, but essentially useless against the onslaught of Great Oden, who always get solid multi-cat contributions from Chauncey Billups (8 threes, 23 assists) and Stephen Jackson (6 threes, 26 assists).

Fear the Turtle 5 (pts/reb/ast/stl/blk)
Black Ice 3 (fg%/ft%/3pm)
You would think that with Kevin Garnett out, a multi-time All-Star and champion like Ray Allen would pick up some of his glue-guy, defensive-minded slack, but I've noticed that in this recent stretch, Allen still doesn't do shit besides score and hit threes. I have to imagine that his failure to do anything else has a lot to do with the Celtics recent struggles. It also explains why Black Ice who count on Allen as their best players, couldn't compete with a sub-par Fear the Turtle team in any of the volume stats besides 3s. The Turtles, on the other hand, have a legit star in Joe Johnson, who had a very strong week (10 threes, 126 points, 23 assists, 6 steals) right after I traded him away in my middle school league.

One Down... One to Go 7 (everything but steals)
Professor Dribbles 0
Well, Bardey didn't exactly sweep, but Deyoung did get blanked, thanks to a tie in steals. I'm not sure how Dribbles has managed to squander the talents of Kobe Bryant and Paul Pierce this season, but it may have something to do with starting guys like Tyrus Thomas while Rip Hamilton rots on the bench. Then again, even Coatesville's proudest son probably couldn't have made much of a dent in the One to Go wall of stats this week. Bardey's squad was tops in the league in threes and points, second in blocks, and third in boards and assists. Those are Snap Jelly-esque figures, and not surprisingly those two teams will be chilling with Byes in a few days when the Playoffs begin. Though he lacks one of those LeBron-Kobe-CP3 type stars, Bardey makes up for it by getting solid contributions from nearly every position and having standout guys in certain categories, like Dwight Howard in rebounds (56) and blocks (15) and Nate Robinson in points (107) and assists (27).

Here are your Best and Worst for Week 20:
Field Goal Percentage: Kill Whitey .515, Screen Team .408
Free Throw Percentage: Browless Wonders .862, Prof. Dribbles .713
3-Pointers Made: One Down... One to Go 40, Fear the Turtle 15
Points: One Down... One to Go 668, Black Ice 355
Rebounds: Snap Jelly Soldiers 220, Dominique Moceanu 163
Assists: Working's fo Suckers 130, Dominique Moceanu 69
Steals: Dominique Moceanu 47, Kill Whitey 26
Blocks: Snap Jelly Soldiers 48, Black Ice 6

Match-ups for the final week of the regular season are...
Black Prezodents vs. Working's fo Suckers (Battle of the Boroughs)
The Browless Wonders vs. Great Oden's Raven (Battle of Austin)
Fear the Turtle vs. Kill Whitey (Battle of Guys who have nothing in common)
Professor Dribbles vs. BLACK ICE (Battle of Mary Washington)
Snap Jelly Soldiers vs. One Down... (Battle of Sagoponack Wiffle Ball)
Dominique Moceanu vs. Screen Team (Battle of Marvin Upstairs)

Good luck to all in Week 21, except for Jesse, who will never get his Euro '08 Fun Club steak now that he spends all his time on the Left Coast.