Week 16 in Review: Game Re-Caps

What you missed if you were only paying attention to your own game, you selfish prick.

Week 16 was all set to be arguably the purest week of competition for our league. With the All-Star festivities eating up the weekend games, almost every single team in the league had a mere two games for our players to prove themselves (sorry, Nets, T-Wolves, Magic, and Jazz owners). But, this being All-Star week, and NBA players being NBA players, a lot of guys took this week as an opportunity to nurse niggling injuries, rest sore bones, and impregnate babymomma groupies (okay, they probably do that every week). The results of their efforts:

Black Prezodents 4 (reb/ast/stl/blk)
Dominique Moceanu 4 (fg%/ft%/3pm/stl)
You know who didn't take this week off? Who actually came to play more this week than any other week in the season? You guessed it: Lamar. As predicted here, Lamar has stepped up in the absence of Andrew Bynum, and this week he looked positively Russel-esque grabbing 37 rebounds in just two games, leading the Black Prez (and in fact, leading the league) to a decisive victory in that category. BP also dominated assists, with B-Diddy's 28 and Rondino's 25 leading the way. Still, Lamar, Baron and Rajon were only good enough to tie Moceanu, who won all the gay categories. The gymnasts especially kicked my ass in the 3-point category, where Ron Artest had 7 threes and Troy Murphy inexplicably had 9 threes in just two games. Billy's gotta be happy with that kind of performance out of a guy who basically looks just like him.

Snap Jelly Soldiers 6 (ft%/pts/reb/ast/stl/blk)
The Browless Wonders 2 (fg%/3pm)
I love it when Will is playing someone he's never met and never interacted with outside of this league, and proceeds to start the week off by posting something like "I'm waiting...bent over with my pants down" as his team message, and then proceeds to write 5 Smackboard messages on his matchup page before his opponent responds. Credit Steffens, though, with apparently not holding it against him. The crux of all those messages is that Will's team has had some bad luck in the past week or two, and he wants us all to wipe his tears and hold his hand and tell him that everything's gonna be OK. As it turns out, though, he was not OK this week, as the Soldiers took it to him in nearly every category (Shoaf only barely won 3s). Snap Jelly was led, as usual, by Lebron, but nearly every Soldier contributed this week, with solid performances by OJ Mayo, Jermaine O'Neal, and Tim Duncan.

Professor Dribbles 5 (fg%/pts/ast/stl/blk)
Fear the Turtle 3 (ft%/3pm/reb)
Things were tight in this battle between former roommates, with several categories decided by tiny margins (.006 in fg%, 13 points, 3 rebounds, and 1 steal), meaning that this match-up could have been anywhere from 7-2 Dribbles to 5-3 Turtle. As it was, DeYoung managed to eke out the points battle largely on the shoulders of Kobe Bryant (71) and Paul Pierce (61). The Turtles featured a lot of nearly identical performances (everyone in the neighborhood of 45 points, 9 rebounds, 9 assists), but one performance in particular stands out: -/-/0/0/0/0/0/0, by Al Jefferson - who will be out for the season. With the league already short on centers, it'll be interesting to see if Dev can recover from this crushing blow.

Fire Al Groh 8 (all)
Working's fo Suckers (none)
Jesus, really? I didn't realize that this had happened until just now, but with the amount of effort Jesse's put into this team (no moves since early December, two injured players starting this week), I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. I am surprised, however, at the week had by Nate Robinson, who not only won the slam dunk contest, but also led the Grohs (please change this name, Doit) in points, assists, and steals, and trailed only Emeka Okafor in boards. Not bad for 7 feet of dipshit in a 5-and-a-half-foot body.
Of note: It's not easy to win free throw percentage shooting 69%, but Bardey ran away with the category thanks to the Suckers' paltry 64%.

Great Oden's Raven 7 (fg%/ft%/3pm/pts/reb/ast/blk)
Black Ice 1 (stl)
Speaking of lame ownership... I don't know how nine professional basketball players over two games manage to only hit three 3-pointers, but Black Ice proved this week that it was possible. Thank god for Ramon Sessions' six steals (and 41 points and 24 assists--is this guy good? I don't watch the Bucks) or else we'd have had another 8-0 game on our hands. Kudos to Beb for finally starting his namesake, who rewarded him by leading the team in boards, blocks, and field goal percentage. Stephen Jackson also came to play this week, posting one Octuplet game on Thursday after missing it by a block on Tuesday night.

Screen Team 6 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast/stl)
Kill Whitey 2 (3pm/blk)
This week's victory must have imbued Andy Screen with confidence, as he continued his victory streak into the weekend by successfully proposing to his longtime girlfriend, Lynn. Congrats, Screentos, on the victory and the engagement. To commemorate the week in which he popped the question, Screen has asked Kevin Durant to serve as his ringbearer, reasoning that anyone who can put up 1 three, 51 points, 17 rebounds, 8 assists, 8 steals, and 2 blocks in two games can capably carry a small piece of metal from the back of a church to the front of it. No amount of wedded bliss, however, will erase the fact that Screen is still starting Udonis Haslem.

Here's the Best and Worst from Week 26:
Field Goal Percentage: Professor Dribbles .504, Black Prezodents .430
Free Throw Percentage: Snap Jelly Soldiers .850, Working's fo Suckers .644
Three-Pointers Made: Dominique Moceanu 31, Black Ice 3
Points: Snap Jelly Soldiers 353, Black Ice 193
Rebounds: Black Prezodents 143, Working's fo Suckers 77
Assists: Black Prezodents, Snap Jelly Soldiers 74, Fear the Turtles 41
Steals: Screen Team 28, The Browless Wonders 11
Blocks: Professor Dribbles 19, Working's for Suckers 3

and finally, the match-ups to look forward to in Week 17:
Black Prezodents (6th) vs. Fire Al Groh (2nd)
The Browless Wonders (3rd) vs. Dominique Moceanu (10th)
Fear the Turtle (8th) vs. Snap Jelly Soldiers (1st) - RGR Match-Up
Professor Dribbles (9th) vs. Screen Team (4th)
Black Ice (12th) vs. Working's fo Suckers (11th)
Kill Whitey (7th) vs. Great Oden's Raven (5th)

Good luck to all this week, except for Bardey, who dug up the fucking bushes all on his own.