Week 14 in Review: Game Re-Caps

What you missed if you were only paying attention to your own game, you selfish prick.

Black Prezodents 5 (3pm/pts/reb/stl/blk),
Professor Dribbles 3 (fg%/ft%/ast)
I texted DeYoung last Sunday to advise him of Michael Redd's injury, so I was surprised to find the next day that Redd was still in the starting line-up. I was less surprised when I received the following text a few days later: "Fr: Deezer. Delivery period elapsed, message to 7034073504 deleted." Motherfucker can't manage a roster or a cell phone bill. I'm not sure Redd would have helped, though, as BP was led by a monstrous Antawn Jamison averaging 25 and 13. I guarantee at least 65 of his points looked awkward and at least 32 of his boards were off-balance. Dribbles came up biggest in the percentages, where he was probably helped by the absence of the free-shooting Redd and the sweet-shooting weeks of his other guards, Paul Pierce (51%), Kobe Bryant (52%) and Derrick Rose (60%!).

The Browless Wonders 5 (fg%/ft%/3pm/ast/blk),
Ghitza 3 (pts/reb/stl)
Jesus, Chris Paul is good. His per-game averages for Week 14: 2 threes, 27 points, 6 boards, 9 assists, 4 steals, and half a block. And tonight, as I write this, he's already into double-digit assists in the first half. [By the way, the Hornets announcing crew may be the worst in the league. This guy just cracked himself up by describing LaMarcus Aldridge as "LaMarcable."] If you're wondering how Dev managed to win any categories going up against numbers like that, look no further than Al Jefferson, who responded to an All-Star snubbing (note to coaches: David West is cool, but he's not having nearly the season Jefferson is) by dropping 115 points, 40 rebounds, and 11 blocks--almost half of Ghitza's total--over four games.

Snap Jelly Soldiers 7 (ft%/3pm/pts/reb/ast/stl/blk),
Working's fo Suckers 1 (fg%)
Steffens' Soldiers solidified their climb to the top of the standings this week by picking on league weakling Jesse Delconte (Italian: "from the cunt"). It's always good when you go into a match-up with the league leader starting a player (Zach Randolph) that hasn't played in several weeks. I spoke to Jesse at length this weekend about his inactivity in terms of team management, and he promised to devote a little more time to the league. He turned right around and started the exact same roster as last week again this week, and although Z-Bo is actually playing tonight (and playing well at that), I guarantee you that Jesse didn't know that. As for Snap Jelly, their cruise to victory was obviously spear-headed by LeBron, but the contributions of John Salmons (.491/.938/78/22/18/6/2) and Brook Lopez (.564/1.000/0/71/33/1/1/5) should not be overlooked.

Dominique Moceanu 5 (fg%/3pm/pts/reb/stl),
Great Oden's Raven 3 (ft%/ast/blk)
Kevin Martin is back for Billy, and he's back to scoring the way he was late last season (117 points in four games). None of the other Gymnasts even approached that in terms of scoring, but a triumvirate of Billy's boys were banging the boards, with 31, 34, and 43 rebounds for Amar'e Stoudamire, Jeff Green, and Troy Murphy, respectively. Bernier might have benefitted from starting his team's namesake, as starting Center Brad Miller missed a few games with an abdominal strain, and none of the other Ravenettes (besides D-Wade) were able to contribute much. I should also note that there were a shitload of 3's hit in this match-up. Bernier's 40 were second-best in the league, and Billy out-threed him by 13! Nice shooting, Dominique.

Fire Al Groh 6 (fg%/3pm/pts/reb/stl/blk),
Kill Whitey 2 (ft%/ast)
I got to spend some time with Dekker this weekend, and we discussed Cluj a bit. Despite the fact that he is my Randomly-Generated Rival, I have to say that I respect his adherence to his team ideal of straight crackers, even if it only got him two wins against what would seem to be a mediocre F.A.G squad (hey! never noticed those team initials before, but pretty aptly sums up my feelings on naming your NBA fantasy team after a college football coach). Then again, any of us would have had a hard time out-scoring or out-stealing Bardey this week, as his 630 points were tops in the league and 38 steals were tied for second. Where the fuck do TJ Ford and Mo Williams get off averaging 26 and 25 points a game?

Black Ice 2 (ft%/stl),
Screen Team 5 (fg%/3pm/pts/reb/ast)
Since his 0-16 start, Screen has been impressive in clawing his way up the standings to get himself into fourth, but there was nothing particularly impressive (other than his over-.500 field goal percentage) about this win over the hapless Black Ice squad. One Screen Teamer who has been lighting it up lately is Kevin Durant, who trailed only Kevin Martin in overall scoring last week. Reeves' team, meanwhile, is pretty historically awful, and when you add in that one of his top players, Shawn Marion, has missed 5 straight games and is somehow still in the line-up, it's impressive that they even managed to win 2 categories and tie a third. It might be time for Black Ice, DDS, to make more than the one transaction he's made all season long.

Here's the Best and Worst from Week 14:
Field Goal Percentage: Working's fo Suckers .532, Kill Whitey .425
Free Throw Percentage: Kill Whitey .874, Black Prezodents .735
3-Pointers Made: Dominique Moceanu 53, Professor Dribbles 11
Points: Fire Al Groh 630, Black Ice 327
Rebounds: Black Prezodents 214, Working's fo Suckers 121
Assists: Snap Jelly Soldiers 140, Black Ice 57
Steals: Ghitza 40, Kill Whitey 20
Blocks: Black Prezodents 31, Dominique Moceanu 8

and finally, the Match-Ups to look forward to in Week 15:
Black Prezodents (6th) vs. Snap Jelly Soldiers (1st)
Browless Wonders (2nd) vs. Professor Dribbles (11th) - RGR Match-Up
Ghitza (7th) vs. Screen Team (4th)
Dominique Moceanu (10th) vs. Working's fo Suckers (9th)
Fire Al Groh (3rd) vs. Great Oden's Raven (5th)
Black Ice (12th) vs. Kill Whitey (8th)

Good luck to all, except for Snap Jelly Soldiers, who gets a big Mortucci Tua!