3.30.2009
9 Fucking Points...
...is what kept me from a berth in the next round of the playoffs. Sunday's Black Prez scoring: 9 for Lamar, 8 for McDyess, 6 for Rondo, and 4 for Horford. Fucking despicable.
3.28.2009
Morning Dump
A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.
Hot Shit: Chris Bosh, Screen Team
.556 - 1.000 - 0 - 21 - 13 - 6 - 1 - 3
Loose Stool: Nate Robinson, One Down...
.500 - N/A - 0 - 8 - 1 - 4 - 0 - 0
Upper Decker: Chris Duhon, Prof. Dribbs
571 - 1.000 - 4 - 15 - 4 - 7 - 1 - 0
Hot Shit: Chris Bosh, Screen Team
.556 - 1.000 - 0 - 21 - 13 - 6 - 1 - 3
Loose Stool: Nate Robinson, One Down...
.500 - N/A - 0 - 8 - 1 - 4 - 0 - 0
Upper Decker: Chris Duhon, Prof. Dribbs
571 - 1.000 - 4 - 15 - 4 - 7 - 1 - 0
3.26.2009
Morning Dump
A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.
Hot Shit: Dwight Howard, One Down...
.611 - .500 - 0 - 24 - 21 - 2 - 2 - 4
Loose Stool: Randy Foye, Suckers
.100 - 1.000 - 1 - 8 - 1 - 4 - 0 - 0
Upper Decker: TJ Ford, One Down...
.571 - 1.000 - 0 - 20 - 9 - 3 - 0 - 1
Hot Shit: Dwight Howard, One Down...
.611 - .500 - 0 - 24 - 21 - 2 - 2 - 4
Loose Stool: Randy Foye, Suckers
.100 - 1.000 - 1 - 8 - 1 - 4 - 0 - 0
Upper Decker: TJ Ford, One Down...
.571 - 1.000 - 0 - 20 - 9 - 3 - 0 - 1
3.25.2009
Charts & Figgers: Special Playoff Preview Edition
Though I haven't been ultra-competitive during the regular season, preferring instead to focus on building my team around a certain philosophy (badassical dudes), for the Playoffs I decided to take things seriously. To that end, I built a spreadsheet to predict my performance (and my opponent's performance) for the week, using past-month averages and games played. I figured I could figure out which specifically which categories I should go after and which I could afford to sacrifice, etc. As it turns out, my optimum line-up is exactly the same as the line-up I would have put in with no statistical analysis whatsoever, and there are no changes to make other than simply playing my best players.
But anyways, having made the spreadsheet and found the results, I figured I might as well share them with you, especially now that the games have begun and there's no more changes to be made. I also put Great Oden's Raven and Screen Team through the same spreadsheet to produce results for them. My statistical knowledge/willingness to do math is not good enough to figure out a good way to calculate team percentages, so I just took the average of all the players, which is not even remotely correct. Still, here's what I came up with:
Black Prezodents' Projected Week 22:
.475 - .761 - 41 - 584 - 258 - 138 - 37 - 28
One Down... One to Go's Projected Week 22:
.485 - .735 - 35 - 601 - 214 - 99 - 34 - 29
Projected Outcome: 5 - 3 Black Prez victory
Great Oden's Raven's Projected Week 22:
.450 - .833 - 34 - 542 - 174 - 135 - 34 - 18
Screen Team's Projected Week 22:
.497 - .813 - 13 - 488 - 190 - 90 - 33 - 18
Projected Outcome: 5 - 2 - 1 Great Oden victory
As you can see, the match-ups to watch this week are points, steals and blocks in the Bardey-Sovic battle, and rebounds, steals and blocks in the Bernier-Screen tilt.
Or these projections will be totally inaccurate and mean nothing. Fun though, right?
But anyways, having made the spreadsheet and found the results, I figured I might as well share them with you, especially now that the games have begun and there's no more changes to be made. I also put Great Oden's Raven and Screen Team through the same spreadsheet to produce results for them. My statistical knowledge/willingness to do math is not good enough to figure out a good way to calculate team percentages, so I just took the average of all the players, which is not even remotely correct. Still, here's what I came up with:
Black Prezodents' Projected Week 22:
.475 - .761 - 41 - 584 - 258 - 138 - 37 - 28
One Down... One to Go's Projected Week 22:
.485 - .735 - 35 - 601 - 214 - 99 - 34 - 29
Projected Outcome: 5 - 3 Black Prez victory
Great Oden's Raven's Projected Week 22:
.450 - .833 - 34 - 542 - 174 - 135 - 34 - 18
Screen Team's Projected Week 22:
.497 - .813 - 13 - 488 - 190 - 90 - 33 - 18
Projected Outcome: 5 - 2 - 1 Great Oden victory
As you can see, the match-ups to watch this week are points, steals and blocks in the Bardey-Sovic battle, and rebounds, steals and blocks in the Bernier-Screen tilt.
Or these projections will be totally inaccurate and mean nothing. Fun though, right?
Afternoon Dump
A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.
Hot Shit: Tyrus Thomas, Professor Dribbles
.538 - .800 - 0 - 18 - 12 - 5 - 1 - 1
Loose Stool: Brad Miller, Great Oden's Raven
.286 - .750 - 0 - 7 - 5 - 0 - 0 - 2
Upper Decker: Paul Millsap, Working's fo Suckers
.500 - .600 - 0 - 15 - 9 - 1 - 1 - 3
Hot Shit: Tyrus Thomas, Professor Dribbles
.538 - .800 - 0 - 18 - 12 - 5 - 1 - 1
Loose Stool: Brad Miller, Great Oden's Raven
.286 - .750 - 0 - 7 - 5 - 0 - 0 - 2
Upper Decker: Paul Millsap, Working's fo Suckers
.500 - .600 - 0 - 15 - 9 - 1 - 1 - 3
3.24.2009
Morning Dump
A quick daily look at yesterday's highs and lows.
Hot Shit: Dwight Howard, One Down...
.667 - .455 - 0 - 29 - 14 - 2 - 1 - 4
Loose Stool: Ryan Gomes, One Down...
.250 - 1.000 - 0 - 6 - 0 - 0 - 1- 0
Upper Decker: Kenyon Martin, Black Prez
.500 - .857 - 0 - 18 - 9 - 2 - 4 - 2
Hot Shit: Dwight Howard, One Down...
.667 - .455 - 0 - 29 - 14 - 2 - 1 - 4
Loose Stool: Ryan Gomes, One Down...
.250 - 1.000 - 0 - 6 - 0 - 0 - 1- 0
Upper Decker: Kenyon Martin, Black Prez
.500 - .857 - 0 - 18 - 9 - 2 - 4 - 2
3.23.2009
Week 21 Review: Game Re-Caps
What you missed if you were only paying attention to your own game, you selfish prick.
The last week of the regular season seemed to be nearly irrelevant, with all of the playoff spots already decided and the seedings seemingly locked in. Yet a strange combination of results showed that it truly ain't over 'til it's over. Let's take a look...
Black Prezodents 6 (fg%/3pm/pts/reb/ast/blk)
Working's fo Suckers 1 (ft%)
In his first week back for the Prezbos after a lengthy layoff, Danny Granger was not nearly as spectacular as he had been earlier in the season. But the presence of their leader seemed to fire up the rest of the squad, who led the league in boards and assists and finished in the top three in three other categories despite getting nothing from Rasheed Wallace all week. Having watched Granger, Antawn Jamison, Rajon Rondo, and Lamar Odom all spearhead the team at various times during the season, Ol' Man River Antonio McDyess decided in Week 21 that it was his turn to re-live his glory days with the Nuggets. Inspired by my recent craps post, the man known as "Dice" averaged 16 points and 15 boards this week, as well as blocking six shots.
Of note: The Prezbos and Suckers tied at 23 steals, which was the total for five Cluj teams this week.
The Browless Wonders 7 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast/stl/blk)
Great Oden's Raven 1 (3pm)
This was one of the most shocking results of the week, and the one that had the greatest playoff seeding impact. After Week 20, Bardey was well ahead of Shoaf in the standings, and with Will taking on the normally strong G.O.R. team, One Down... had every reason to believe they'd hold on to a 1st-round playoff bye. The real question was whether Beb could surpass Shoaf in the rankings to gain home-court advantage, which means absolutely nothing in the realm of fantasy sports. Instead, the Ravenettes absolutely laid an egg, allowing the Wonders to slide past One Down... into the Bye position. When pressed for a reason for this collapse, Bernier complained of "injuries, injuries, injuries," but from what I can see the Great Oden starters only missed two games due to injury, pretty standard for any given week in the life of a Cluj team. To me it just looked like these guys shit the bed. 37 points for Chauncey Billups? 11 boards for Rashard Lewis? 2 threes for Dwyane Wade? That's just pussy shit. Meanwhile, the Browless ones were amongst the top two in the league in five different categories. That's how you enter the playoffs on a good note. Hopefully those guys will spend the next week cooling off
Kill Whitey 5 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast)
Fear the Turtle 3 (3pm/stl/blk)
If Dev is looking for a silver lining to the cloud of his Week 20 defeat, he can take solace in the fact that he was taken down by one of his own. No, I'm not referring to an Indian NBA phenom (we haven't gotten that international yet), but rather the performance of former Terp Steve Blake, who led the Whiteys in threes (13) and assists (27), two categories that the Turtles lost. Blake also led the team in steals (5), free throw percentage (1.000), and was third in points (60). For the team that won. Steve Blake. This should give you a good idea as to the quality of these two teams. Enjoy the consolation bracket!
Black Ice 4 (fg%/3pm/ast/blk)
Professor Dribbles 3 (ft%/pts/reb)
I've been giving Black Ice shit all season for being an absentee owner, and recently for being an active owner making utterly pointless moves, but I have to give him credit for his first win since Week 2. How did Dribbles manage to lose to a team that was still in the bottom fourth of the league in five different categories? I'm not sure. It doesn't actually seem mathematically possible to me. But it happened. I think it's safe to say that both teams suck.
Snap Jelly Soldiers 6 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast/stl)
One Down... One to Go 2 (3pm/blk)
This was the other game with major playoff ramifications, and a few more rebounds out of the One Down crew might have saved Bardey a tough first-round match-up against the Prezodents, but his guys just couldn't get it done. Though they ended the season only separated by 6 wins, this game showed the level of difference between Snap Jelly and the other top teams in the league. ODOTG only had "bad" weeks in two categories (ft% and steals), but when the Soldiers come out with top-3 performances in free throw percentage, points, assists, steals, and blocks, note being bad is not nearly good enough. As long as there is someone to back up LeBron, Steffens is hard to beat, and this week it was Gerald Wallace, who averaged 21 points, 8 boards, 5 assists, 2 steals, and 1.5 blocks.
Screen Team 7 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast/stl/blk)
Dominique Moceanu 1 (3pm)
Though I owe Billy some for his fair and honest actions in our aborted trade earlier this season, I would be remiss in my role as commissioner/commentator if I did not call him to task for his performance this week. Devin Harris, Allen Iverson, and Peja Stojakovic. Not one minute played between them this week, and yet all three started for the Moceanu squad. Shameful. You know what else is shameful? The fact that a team without Harris, Iverson and Stojakovic could still win three-pointers. Seriously, Screen? This is the team you're taking to the Playoffs? A team starting Andres Nocioni and Dominic McGuire? Will Renaldo Balkman be winning a championship this year? I don't think so. Enjoy the 7-1 victory, Andy, I suspect it'll be your last.
Here are your Week 21 Highs and Lows:
Field Goal Percentage: Kill Whitey .514, Working's fo Suckers .419
Free Throw Percentage: Snap Jelly Soldiers .838, One Down... One to Go .671
3-Pointers Made: One Down... One to Go 38, Browless Wonders 15
Points: Snap Jelly Soldiers 627, Black Ice 318
Rebounds: Black Prezodents 229, Dominique Moceanu 114
Assists: Black Prezodents 144, Dominique Moceanu 57
Steals: Browless Wonders 44, Kill Whitey 12
Blocks: One Down... One to Go 34, Dominique Moceanu 8
And so the regular season comes to a close. Congratulations to Adam Steffens and the Snap Jelly Soldiers, who have won the regular season and secured themselves some money (I can't remember how much and don't feel like looking back right now). I had not previously realized it, but there is apparently a consolation bracket to our Playoffs, so even those of you with atrocious teams will get to continue playing, while the top two finishers (Snap Jelly and Browless) enjoy a week off. Here are the match-ups for Week 22:
Playoffs:
(3) One Down... One to Go vs. (6) Black Prezodents
(4) Great Oden's Raven vs. (5) Screen Team
Consolation:
(9) Workin's fo Suckers vs. (12) Black Ice
(10) Professor Dribbles vs. (11) Dominique Moceanu
Good luck to all except Bardey, whocould win this whole league and still not make back the money he lost on the tables a few weeks ago is a real pussy if he can't even step up 3 miles in 6 months.
The last week of the regular season seemed to be nearly irrelevant, with all of the playoff spots already decided and the seedings seemingly locked in. Yet a strange combination of results showed that it truly ain't over 'til it's over. Let's take a look...
Black Prezodents 6 (fg%/3pm/pts/reb/ast/blk)
Working's fo Suckers 1 (ft%)
In his first week back for the Prezbos after a lengthy layoff, Danny Granger was not nearly as spectacular as he had been earlier in the season. But the presence of their leader seemed to fire up the rest of the squad, who led the league in boards and assists and finished in the top three in three other categories despite getting nothing from Rasheed Wallace all week. Having watched Granger, Antawn Jamison, Rajon Rondo, and Lamar Odom all spearhead the team at various times during the season, Ol' Man River Antonio McDyess decided in Week 21 that it was his turn to re-live his glory days with the Nuggets. Inspired by my recent craps post, the man known as "Dice" averaged 16 points and 15 boards this week, as well as blocking six shots.
Of note: The Prezbos and Suckers tied at 23 steals, which was the total for five Cluj teams this week.
The Browless Wonders 7 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast/stl/blk)
Great Oden's Raven 1 (3pm)
This was one of the most shocking results of the week, and the one that had the greatest playoff seeding impact. After Week 20, Bardey was well ahead of Shoaf in the standings, and with Will taking on the normally strong G.O.R. team, One Down... had every reason to believe they'd hold on to a 1st-round playoff bye. The real question was whether Beb could surpass Shoaf in the rankings to gain home-court advantage, which means absolutely nothing in the realm of fantasy sports. Instead, the Ravenettes absolutely laid an egg, allowing the Wonders to slide past One Down... into the Bye position. When pressed for a reason for this collapse, Bernier complained of "injuries, injuries, injuries," but from what I can see the Great Oden starters only missed two games due to injury, pretty standard for any given week in the life of a Cluj team. To me it just looked like these guys shit the bed. 37 points for Chauncey Billups? 11 boards for Rashard Lewis? 2 threes for Dwyane Wade? That's just pussy shit. Meanwhile, the Browless ones were amongst the top two in the league in five different categories. That's how you enter the playoffs on a good note. Hopefully those guys will spend the next week cooling off
Kill Whitey 5 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast)
Fear the Turtle 3 (3pm/stl/blk)
If Dev is looking for a silver lining to the cloud of his Week 20 defeat, he can take solace in the fact that he was taken down by one of his own. No, I'm not referring to an Indian NBA phenom (we haven't gotten that international yet), but rather the performance of former Terp Steve Blake, who led the Whiteys in threes (13) and assists (27), two categories that the Turtles lost. Blake also led the team in steals (5), free throw percentage (1.000), and was third in points (60). For the team that won. Steve Blake. This should give you a good idea as to the quality of these two teams. Enjoy the consolation bracket!
Black Ice 4 (fg%/3pm/ast/blk)
Professor Dribbles 3 (ft%/pts/reb)
I've been giving Black Ice shit all season for being an absentee owner, and recently for being an active owner making utterly pointless moves, but I have to give him credit for his first win since Week 2. How did Dribbles manage to lose to a team that was still in the bottom fourth of the league in five different categories? I'm not sure. It doesn't actually seem mathematically possible to me. But it happened. I think it's safe to say that both teams suck.
Snap Jelly Soldiers 6 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast/stl)
One Down... One to Go 2 (3pm/blk)
This was the other game with major playoff ramifications, and a few more rebounds out of the One Down crew might have saved Bardey a tough first-round match-up against the Prezodents, but his guys just couldn't get it done. Though they ended the season only separated by 6 wins, this game showed the level of difference between Snap Jelly and the other top teams in the league. ODOTG only had "bad" weeks in two categories (ft% and steals), but when the Soldiers come out with top-3 performances in free throw percentage, points, assists, steals, and blocks, note being bad is not nearly good enough. As long as there is someone to back up LeBron, Steffens is hard to beat, and this week it was Gerald Wallace, who averaged 21 points, 8 boards, 5 assists, 2 steals, and 1.5 blocks.
Screen Team 7 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast/stl/blk)
Dominique Moceanu 1 (3pm)
Though I owe Billy some for his fair and honest actions in our aborted trade earlier this season, I would be remiss in my role as commissioner/commentator if I did not call him to task for his performance this week. Devin Harris, Allen Iverson, and Peja Stojakovic. Not one minute played between them this week, and yet all three started for the Moceanu squad. Shameful. You know what else is shameful? The fact that a team without Harris, Iverson and Stojakovic could still win three-pointers. Seriously, Screen? This is the team you're taking to the Playoffs? A team starting Andres Nocioni and Dominic McGuire? Will Renaldo Balkman be winning a championship this year? I don't think so. Enjoy the 7-1 victory, Andy, I suspect it'll be your last.
Here are your Week 21 Highs and Lows:
Field Goal Percentage: Kill Whitey .514, Working's fo Suckers .419
Free Throw Percentage: Snap Jelly Soldiers .838, One Down... One to Go .671
3-Pointers Made: One Down... One to Go 38, Browless Wonders 15
Points: Snap Jelly Soldiers 627, Black Ice 318
Rebounds: Black Prezodents 229, Dominique Moceanu 114
Assists: Black Prezodents 144, Dominique Moceanu 57
Steals: Browless Wonders 44, Kill Whitey 12
Blocks: One Down... One to Go 34, Dominique Moceanu 8
And so the regular season comes to a close. Congratulations to Adam Steffens and the Snap Jelly Soldiers, who have won the regular season and secured themselves some money (I can't remember how much and don't feel like looking back right now). I had not previously realized it, but there is apparently a consolation bracket to our Playoffs, so even those of you with atrocious teams will get to continue playing, while the top two finishers (Snap Jelly and Browless) enjoy a week off. Here are the match-ups for Week 22:
Playoffs:
(3) One Down... One to Go vs. (6) Black Prezodents
(4) Great Oden's Raven vs. (5) Screen Team
Consolation:
(9) Workin's fo Suckers vs. (12) Black Ice
(10) Professor Dribbles vs. (11) Dominique Moceanu
Good luck to all except Bardey, who
Morning Dump
A quick daily look at yesterday's highs and lows.
The final Morning Dump of the regular season:
Hot Shit: Dwyane Wade, Great Oden
.565 - .786 - 2 - 39 - 2 - 6 - 2 - 4
Almost every Octuplet has at least one 1. Not for DWade, though.
Loose Stool: Samuel Dalembert, Working Suckers
.400 - N/A - 0 - 4 - 4 - 0 - 0 - 2
Anthony Randolph had worse numbers, but played less than half of Dalembert's minutes.
Upper Decker: Spencer Hawes, Kill Whitey
.615 - N/A - 1 - 17 - 11 - 9 - 1 - 0
The final Morning Dump of the regular season:
Hot Shit: Dwyane Wade, Great Oden
.565 - .786 - 2 - 39 - 2 - 6 - 2 - 4
Almost every Octuplet has at least one 1. Not for DWade, though.
Loose Stool: Samuel Dalembert, Working Suckers
.400 - N/A - 0 - 4 - 4 - 0 - 0 - 2
Anthony Randolph had worse numbers, but played less than half of Dalembert's minutes.
Upper Decker: Spencer Hawes, Kill Whitey
.615 - N/A - 1 - 17 - 11 - 9 - 1 - 0
3.18.2009
Week 20 in Review: Game Re-Caps
What you missed if you were only paying attention to your own game, you selfish prick.
It just occurred to me that I haven't posted game re-caps for last week's games yet. Without further ado...
Working's fo Suckers 6 (fg%/3pm/pts/reb/ast/blk)
Screen Team 2 (ft%/stl)
This is a tale of two teams headed in opposite directions, but it's happened a little too late in the season for it to matter. Heading into Week 20, the Suckers had gone 15-9 the previous three weeks, while Screen Team were 8-16 during the same stretch. The trends continued in this match-up, where Deron Williams averaged a double-double (17 pts, 11 ast), Jason Kidd was lighting it up from outside (11 threes), and Dirk led the team in points (110), boards (37), and blocks (5). The Screeners continued to be hampered by the absence of KG and KD, and despite being the most active manager in the market this year, the guys Screen came up with to replace them (Udonis Haslem and Rashad McCants) have little business starting for a playoff-bound fantasy basketball squad. Durant has since returned, but Screen better hope Garnett follows soon if he hopes to make any noise in the playoffs.
The Browless Wonders 5 (ft%/3pm/pts/reb/stl)
Kill Whitey 3 (fg%/ast/blk)
I have not done the research to back this up, but based simply on doing these write-ups each week, I'm gonna say that Chris Paul is leading the league in steals by a margin of probably 4-5 steals per game over the next best thief. It just seems like every time I write about his match-up he's got way more than anyone else on either team, and not surprisingly Steals was one of the Wonders' most dominant victories this week. That could also have something to do with the fact that Dekker's team is full of big, slow, play-it-safe white guys. And even though the career steals leader (John Stockton) is a whitey, that's because he played Illegal Defense all the time, hanging out in the passing lanes without getting it called because the refs were in his pocket. Do they even have Illegal Defense anymore? I think that rule changed, so maybe Paul does the same thing except it's legal now. In other news... even though I hate most of Will's players, I'm happy to see Jason Terry back and healthy and dropping 11 threes and 98 points on Kill Whitey's head.
Snap Jelly Soldiers 6 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast/blk)
Dominique Moceanu 2 (3pm/stl)
LeBron this week had...
...more points than Rodney Stuckey and Ben Gordon combined.
...more rebounds than Tim Duncan.
...more assists than all three Snap Jelly guards put together.
...more steals than Gerald Wallace and John Salmons.
...more blocks than Yao Ming.
And all those guys, decent players in their own rights, are on his team. How do we keep Snap Jelly from winning the championship? Simple: we hypnotize Reggie Jackson and implant a signal in his watch that, when triggered, will direct him to assassinate King James during the seventh-inning stretch of the Cavaliers upcoming game against the Seattle Mariners.
As for Moceanu...
...nice steals, Mario Chalmers! (13)
Great Oden's Raven 5 (ft%/3pm/pts/ast/stl)
Black Prezodents 3 (fg%/reb/blk)
Honestly, I was pretty happy to come out of this one down 5-3, considering that I spent most of the week at 6-2 and flirted with 7-1 on several occasions. Something must have happened to the Ravenettes shooting touch on Sunday and my guys must have been hitting because that was one of the only times all week I was leading that category. The Prezbos just got slaughtered by Dwyane Wade. His per-game averages: 2.5 threes, 37 points, 6 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals, 1.5 blocks. That's a Hot Shit performance for four straight games. Just unbelievable. Basically, the categories I won--fg%-reb-blk--were won by three guys: Al Horford (.525-40-8), Antonio McDyess (.536-65-6), and Lamar Odom (.379-32-7). Antawn Jamison's 9 threes and 117 points are admirable, but essentially useless against the onslaught of Great Oden, who always get solid multi-cat contributions from Chauncey Billups (8 threes, 23 assists) and Stephen Jackson (6 threes, 26 assists).
Fear the Turtle 5 (pts/reb/ast/stl/blk)
Black Ice 3 (fg%/ft%/3pm)
You would think that with Kevin Garnett out, a multi-time All-Star and champion like Ray Allen would pick up some of his glue-guy, defensive-minded slack, but I've noticed that in this recent stretch, Allen still doesn't do shit besides score and hit threes. I have to imagine that his failure to do anything else has a lot to do with the Celtics recent struggles. It also explains why Black Ice who count on Allen as their best players, couldn't compete with a sub-par Fear the Turtle team in any of the volume stats besides 3s. The Turtles, on the other hand, have a legit star in Joe Johnson, who had a very strong week (10 threes, 126 points, 23 assists, 6 steals) right after I traded him away in my middle school league.
One Down... One to Go 7 (everything but steals)
Professor Dribbles 0
Well, Bardey didn't exactly sweep, but Deyoung did get blanked, thanks to a tie in steals. I'm not sure how Dribbles has managed to squander the talents of Kobe Bryant and Paul Pierce this season, but it may have something to do with starting guys like Tyrus Thomas while Rip Hamilton rots on the bench. Then again, even Coatesville's proudest son probably couldn't have made much of a dent in the One to Go wall of stats this week. Bardey's squad was tops in the league in threes and points, second in blocks, and third in boards and assists. Those are Snap Jelly-esque figures, and not surprisingly those two teams will be chilling with Byes in a few days when the Playoffs begin. Though he lacks one of those LeBron-Kobe-CP3 type stars, Bardey makes up for it by getting solid contributions from nearly every position and having standout guys in certain categories, like Dwight Howard in rebounds (56) and blocks (15) and Nate Robinson in points (107) and assists (27).
Here are your Best and Worst for Week 20:
Field Goal Percentage: Kill Whitey .515, Screen Team .408
Free Throw Percentage: Browless Wonders .862, Prof. Dribbles .713
3-Pointers Made: One Down... One to Go 40, Fear the Turtle 15
Points: One Down... One to Go 668, Black Ice 355
Rebounds: Snap Jelly Soldiers 220, Dominique Moceanu 163
Assists: Working's fo Suckers 130, Dominique Moceanu 69
Steals: Dominique Moceanu 47, Kill Whitey 26
Blocks: Snap Jelly Soldiers 48, Black Ice 6
Match-ups for the final week of the regular season are...
Black Prezodents vs. Working's fo Suckers (Battle of the Boroughs)
The Browless Wonders vs. Great Oden's Raven (Battle of Austin)
Fear the Turtle vs. Kill Whitey (Battle of Guys who have nothing in common)
Professor Dribbles vs. BLACK ICE (Battle of Mary Washington)
Snap Jelly Soldiers vs. One Down... (Battle of Sagoponack Wiffle Ball)
Dominique Moceanu vs. Screen Team (Battle of Marvin Upstairs)
Good luck to all in Week 21, except for Jesse, who will never get his Euro '08 Fun Club steak now that he spends all his time on the Left Coast.
It just occurred to me that I haven't posted game re-caps for last week's games yet. Without further ado...
Working's fo Suckers 6 (fg%/3pm/pts/reb/ast/blk)
Screen Team 2 (ft%/stl)
This is a tale of two teams headed in opposite directions, but it's happened a little too late in the season for it to matter. Heading into Week 20, the Suckers had gone 15-9 the previous three weeks, while Screen Team were 8-16 during the same stretch. The trends continued in this match-up, where Deron Williams averaged a double-double (17 pts, 11 ast), Jason Kidd was lighting it up from outside (11 threes), and Dirk led the team in points (110), boards (37), and blocks (5). The Screeners continued to be hampered by the absence of KG and KD, and despite being the most active manager in the market this year, the guys Screen came up with to replace them (Udonis Haslem and Rashad McCants) have little business starting for a playoff-bound fantasy basketball squad. Durant has since returned, but Screen better hope Garnett follows soon if he hopes to make any noise in the playoffs.
The Browless Wonders 5 (ft%/3pm/pts/reb/stl)
Kill Whitey 3 (fg%/ast/blk)
I have not done the research to back this up, but based simply on doing these write-ups each week, I'm gonna say that Chris Paul is leading the league in steals by a margin of probably 4-5 steals per game over the next best thief. It just seems like every time I write about his match-up he's got way more than anyone else on either team, and not surprisingly Steals was one of the Wonders' most dominant victories this week. That could also have something to do with the fact that Dekker's team is full of big, slow, play-it-safe white guys. And even though the career steals leader (John Stockton) is a whitey, that's because he played Illegal Defense all the time, hanging out in the passing lanes without getting it called because the refs were in his pocket. Do they even have Illegal Defense anymore? I think that rule changed, so maybe Paul does the same thing except it's legal now. In other news... even though I hate most of Will's players, I'm happy to see Jason Terry back and healthy and dropping 11 threes and 98 points on Kill Whitey's head.
Snap Jelly Soldiers 6 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast/blk)
Dominique Moceanu 2 (3pm/stl)
LeBron this week had...
...more points than Rodney Stuckey and Ben Gordon combined.
...more rebounds than Tim Duncan.
...more assists than all three Snap Jelly guards put together.
...more steals than Gerald Wallace and John Salmons.
...more blocks than Yao Ming.
And all those guys, decent players in their own rights, are on his team. How do we keep Snap Jelly from winning the championship? Simple: we hypnotize Reggie Jackson and implant a signal in his watch that, when triggered, will direct him to assassinate King James during the seventh-inning stretch of the Cavaliers upcoming game against the Seattle Mariners.
As for Moceanu...
...nice steals, Mario Chalmers! (13)
Great Oden's Raven 5 (ft%/3pm/pts/ast/stl)
Black Prezodents 3 (fg%/reb/blk)
Honestly, I was pretty happy to come out of this one down 5-3, considering that I spent most of the week at 6-2 and flirted with 7-1 on several occasions. Something must have happened to the Ravenettes shooting touch on Sunday and my guys must have been hitting because that was one of the only times all week I was leading that category. The Prezbos just got slaughtered by Dwyane Wade. His per-game averages: 2.5 threes, 37 points, 6 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals, 1.5 blocks. That's a Hot Shit performance for four straight games. Just unbelievable. Basically, the categories I won--fg%-reb-blk--were won by three guys: Al Horford (.525-40-8), Antonio McDyess (.536-65-6), and Lamar Odom (.379-32-7). Antawn Jamison's 9 threes and 117 points are admirable, but essentially useless against the onslaught of Great Oden, who always get solid multi-cat contributions from Chauncey Billups (8 threes, 23 assists) and Stephen Jackson (6 threes, 26 assists).
Fear the Turtle 5 (pts/reb/ast/stl/blk)
Black Ice 3 (fg%/ft%/3pm)
You would think that with Kevin Garnett out, a multi-time All-Star and champion like Ray Allen would pick up some of his glue-guy, defensive-minded slack, but I've noticed that in this recent stretch, Allen still doesn't do shit besides score and hit threes. I have to imagine that his failure to do anything else has a lot to do with the Celtics recent struggles. It also explains why Black Ice who count on Allen as their best players, couldn't compete with a sub-par Fear the Turtle team in any of the volume stats besides 3s. The Turtles, on the other hand, have a legit star in Joe Johnson, who had a very strong week (10 threes, 126 points, 23 assists, 6 steals) right after I traded him away in my middle school league.
One Down... One to Go 7 (everything but steals)
Professor Dribbles 0
Well, Bardey didn't exactly sweep, but Deyoung did get blanked, thanks to a tie in steals. I'm not sure how Dribbles has managed to squander the talents of Kobe Bryant and Paul Pierce this season, but it may have something to do with starting guys like Tyrus Thomas while Rip Hamilton rots on the bench. Then again, even Coatesville's proudest son probably couldn't have made much of a dent in the One to Go wall of stats this week. Bardey's squad was tops in the league in threes and points, second in blocks, and third in boards and assists. Those are Snap Jelly-esque figures, and not surprisingly those two teams will be chilling with Byes in a few days when the Playoffs begin. Though he lacks one of those LeBron-Kobe-CP3 type stars, Bardey makes up for it by getting solid contributions from nearly every position and having standout guys in certain categories, like Dwight Howard in rebounds (56) and blocks (15) and Nate Robinson in points (107) and assists (27).
Here are your Best and Worst for Week 20:
Field Goal Percentage: Kill Whitey .515, Screen Team .408
Free Throw Percentage: Browless Wonders .862, Prof. Dribbles .713
3-Pointers Made: One Down... One to Go 40, Fear the Turtle 15
Points: One Down... One to Go 668, Black Ice 355
Rebounds: Snap Jelly Soldiers 220, Dominique Moceanu 163
Assists: Working's fo Suckers 130, Dominique Moceanu 69
Steals: Dominique Moceanu 47, Kill Whitey 26
Blocks: Snap Jelly Soldiers 48, Black Ice 6
Match-ups for the final week of the regular season are...
Black Prezodents vs. Working's fo Suckers (Battle of the Boroughs)
The Browless Wonders vs. Great Oden's Raven (Battle of Austin)
Fear the Turtle vs. Kill Whitey (Battle of Guys who have nothing in common)
Professor Dribbles vs. BLACK ICE (Battle of Mary Washington)
Snap Jelly Soldiers vs. One Down... (Battle of Sagoponack Wiffle Ball)
Dominique Moceanu vs. Screen Team (Battle of Marvin Upstairs)
Good luck to all in Week 21, except for Jesse, who will never get his Euro '08 Fun Club steak now that he spends all his time on the Left Coast.
Morning Dump
A daily look at last night's highs and lows.
Hot Shit: LeBron James, Snap Jelly
.556 - .900 - 4 - 43 - 12 - 8 - 4 - 1
Loose Stool: Dominic McGuire, Screen Team
.167 - N/A - 0 - 2 - 3 - 1 - 2 - 0
Upper Decker: Al Thornton, Fire Somebody
.526 - .714 - 0 - 25 - 9 - 2 - 1 - 0
Hot Shit: LeBron James, Snap Jelly
.556 - .900 - 4 - 43 - 12 - 8 - 4 - 1
Loose Stool: Dominic McGuire, Screen Team
.167 - N/A - 0 - 2 - 3 - 1 - 2 - 0
Upper Decker: Al Thornton, Fire Somebody
.526 - .714 - 0 - 25 - 9 - 2 - 1 - 0
3.16.2009
Late Night Dump
No late games means a pre-midnight loaf pinch.
Hot Shit: Chris Paul, Browless
.429 - 1.000 - 0 - 29 - 6 - 11 - 6 - 0
Loose Stool: Tyson Chandler, Prof. Dribbles
.400 - N/A - 0 - 4 - 7 - 0 - 2 - 1
Upper Decker: JR Smith, Black Prez
.429 - 1.000 - 6 - 19 - 4 - 4 - 0 - 0
Hot Shit: Chris Paul, Browless
.429 - 1.000 - 0 - 29 - 6 - 11 - 6 - 0
Loose Stool: Tyson Chandler, Prof. Dribbles
.400 - N/A - 0 - 4 - 7 - 0 - 2 - 1
Upper Decker: JR Smith, Black Prez
.429 - 1.000 - 6 - 19 - 4 - 4 - 0 - 0
Locker Room Dice Game
As most of you know, I am a huge fan of casino craps and last Friday night Bardey and I headed down to Atlantic City to try our luck at the tables. Neither of us had much success--though a late run brought me back within comfortable enough distance from even--but we did, as always, have a lot of fun. One of the best parts about craps is the table chatter. I am generally a supporter of chatter in any form, be it softball-, CB radio-, or craps table-chatter. Craps is one of the best forms of chatter because you'll yell out something ridiculous ("Six-Eight-Six-Eight-Fourrrrrrrrr!" or "Seven in Spaneesh!") and, if it comes out that way, you feel deeply that it had something to do with the quality and energy behind your yell, even though it was complete luck. However, when you're playing for several hours on end as we were, your chatter can get a little stale, so we started to dig into NBA player numbers to request from our shooters (i.e. yelling "Michael Jordan!" when we wanted a 5 since his number was 23 (2 and 3 adding up to five--I don't really need to explain this, right?).
Considering that we were fairly drunk and pretty tired, our player usage variety never got very extensive or creative ("Comeback Jordan!" would have been a clever one for nine, for example). With that in mind, I hit up basketball-reference.com to unearth some more numbers for our gamble-chatter pleasure. Here are a few of the possibilities I came up with, and I'd love to see a whole slew more from you guys in the chatter section.
"Snake Eyes" (1 - 1)
Chris "The Birdman" Anderson, 11 I'd have to be on coke to be cheering for a snake-eyes roll!
"Ace Deuce" (1 - 2)
Chris Paul, 3
Lamarcus Aldridge, 12
Tim Duncan, 21 Roll out those Big Fundamentals, shooter!
Note: I am not sure why you'd ever want a 3 unless you were playing a Field bet or something, and in all my times playing craps I've never understood what that shit was.
"Easy Four" (1 - 3)
Chris Webber, 4
Reggie Miller, 31
Wilt Chamberlain, 13 Max odds on the Stilt!
"Hard Four" (2 - 2)
Clyde Drexler, 22 Glide 'em on in there, shooter!
"Fever Five" (1 - 4, 2 - 3)
Junior Burrough, 5
Bob Cousy, 14
Jordan, 23
LeBron James, 23
Magic Johnson, 32 How 'bout a little Showtime, shooter?
Dirk Nowitzki, 41 You shoot well for a big man, shooter!
Wes Unseld, 41
Note: The Unseld would be reserved for a roll that hits the back felt on the fly, a la an Unseld outlet pass.
"Easy Six" (1 - 5, 2- 4)
Julius Erving, 6
Carmelo Anthony, 15
Kobe Bryant, 24 I'll take the rapist for 400, shooter!
Kevin Willis, 42
James Worthy, 42
"Hard Six" (3 - 3)
Scottie Pippen, 33
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, 33 Skyhook those dice, shooter!
Larry Bird, 33
33 is clearly the best basketball number, huh?
"Natural" (1 - 6, 2 - 5, 3 - 4)
Lamar Odom, 7 (yet another usage for) Hey Lamar!
Pau Gasol, 16
Hakeem Olajuwon, 34 Bring me the Dream, shooter!
Greg Oden, 52
Note: for come-out roll use only.
"Easy Eight" (2 - 6, 3 - 5)
Tyrone Nesby, 8
Kevin Durant, 35
Darryl Dawkins, 53 Don't fake the funk on a nasty dunk, shooter!
"Hard Eight" (4 - 4)
Derrick Coleman, 44
George Gervin, 44
Jerry West, 44 That forty-four would be Clutch right now, shooter!
"Nina" (3 - 6, 4 - 5)
Dan Majerle, 9 37 seconds!
Rajon Rondo, 9 RondOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
"Easy Ten" (4 - 6)
Walt Frazier, 10
"Hard Ten" (5 - 5)
Dikembe Mutombo, 55 [Wag finger disapprovingly at shooter]
"Yo" (5 - 6)
Yao Ming, 11
That last one is incredible. For those that don't know: in craps, to distinguish it from a seven, a roll of 11 is known as "Yo." In hoops, standing nearly 7' 7", a player wearing number 11 is known as "Yao." This is the sort of magical number shit that has kept the Chinese a bunch of primitive savages for ages, but you know what? I'm starting to believe.
Submit your own in the Comments section, por favor.
Considering that we were fairly drunk and pretty tired, our player usage variety never got very extensive or creative ("Comeback Jordan!" would have been a clever one for nine, for example). With that in mind, I hit up basketball-reference.com to unearth some more numbers for our gamble-chatter pleasure. Here are a few of the possibilities I came up with, and I'd love to see a whole slew more from you guys in the chatter section.
"Snake Eyes" (1 - 1)
Chris "The Birdman" Anderson, 11 I'd have to be on coke to be cheering for a snake-eyes roll!
"Ace Deuce" (1 - 2)
Chris Paul, 3
Lamarcus Aldridge, 12
Tim Duncan, 21 Roll out those Big Fundamentals, shooter!
Note: I am not sure why you'd ever want a 3 unless you were playing a Field bet or something, and in all my times playing craps I've never understood what that shit was.
"Easy Four" (1 - 3)
Chris Webber, 4
Reggie Miller, 31
Wilt Chamberlain, 13 Max odds on the Stilt!
"Hard Four" (2 - 2)
Clyde Drexler, 22 Glide 'em on in there, shooter!
"Fever Five" (1 - 4, 2 - 3)
Junior Burrough, 5
Bob Cousy, 14
Jordan, 23
LeBron James, 23
Magic Johnson, 32 How 'bout a little Showtime, shooter?
Dirk Nowitzki, 41 You shoot well for a big man, shooter!
Wes Unseld, 41
Note: The Unseld would be reserved for a roll that hits the back felt on the fly, a la an Unseld outlet pass.
"Easy Six" (1 - 5, 2- 4)
Julius Erving, 6
Carmelo Anthony, 15
Kobe Bryant, 24 I'll take the rapist for 400, shooter!
Kevin Willis, 42
James Worthy, 42
"Hard Six" (3 - 3)
Scottie Pippen, 33
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, 33 Skyhook those dice, shooter!
Larry Bird, 33
33 is clearly the best basketball number, huh?
"Natural" (1 - 6, 2 - 5, 3 - 4)
Lamar Odom, 7 (yet another usage for) Hey Lamar!
Pau Gasol, 16
Hakeem Olajuwon, 34 Bring me the Dream, shooter!
Greg Oden, 52
Note: for come-out roll use only.
"Easy Eight" (2 - 6, 3 - 5)
Tyrone Nesby, 8
Kevin Durant, 35
Darryl Dawkins, 53 Don't fake the funk on a nasty dunk, shooter!
"Hard Eight" (4 - 4)
Derrick Coleman, 44
George Gervin, 44
Jerry West, 44 That forty-four would be Clutch right now, shooter!
"Nina" (3 - 6, 4 - 5)
Dan Majerle, 9 37 seconds!
Rajon Rondo, 9 RondOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
"Easy Ten" (4 - 6)
Walt Frazier, 10
"Hard Ten" (5 - 5)
Dikembe Mutombo, 55 [Wag finger disapprovingly at shooter]
"Yo" (5 - 6)
Yao Ming, 11
That last one is incredible. For those that don't know: in craps, to distinguish it from a seven, a roll of 11 is known as "Yo." In hoops, standing nearly 7' 7", a player wearing number 11 is known as "Yao." This is the sort of magical number shit that has kept the Chinese a bunch of primitive savages for ages, but you know what? I'm starting to believe.
Submit your own in the Comments section, por favor.
Morning Dump
A quick look at last night's highs and lows.
Hot Shit: Vince Carter, Fire Leitao
.500 - 1.000 - 5 - 41 - 7 - 6 - 2 - 0
Loose Stool: Rashad McCants, Screen Team
.500 - N/A - 0 - 2 - 2 - 1 - 0 - 0
Upper Decker: Baron Davis, Black Prez
.375 - 1.000 - 1 - 20 - 6 - 10 - 2 - 1
Son of a bitch, that's an Octuplet on my bench.
Hot Shit: Vince Carter, Fire Leitao
.500 - 1.000 - 5 - 41 - 7 - 6 - 2 - 0
Loose Stool: Rashad McCants, Screen Team
.500 - N/A - 0 - 2 - 2 - 1 - 0 - 0
Upper Decker: Baron Davis, Black Prez
.375 - 1.000 - 1 - 20 - 6 - 10 - 2 - 1
Son of a bitch, that's an Octuplet on my bench.
3.15.2009
Morning Dump
A quick look at last night's highs and lows.
Hot Shit:
Dwyane Wade, Great Oden
.487 - .889 - 4 - 50 - 10 - 9 - 4 - 2
Jesus this guy has killed me this week.
Loose Stool:
Michael Beasley, Black Prez
.240 - 1.000 - 0 - 8 - 1 - 1 - 1 - 0
Upper Decker:
Kevin Durant, Screen Team
.450 - 1.000 - 1 - 22 - 6 - 2 - 1 - 1
Screen can't really be blamed for benching KD, since this is his first game in weeks, but it's worth noting that he is back.
Hot Shit:
Dwyane Wade, Great Oden
.487 - .889 - 4 - 50 - 10 - 9 - 4 - 2
Jesus this guy has killed me this week.
Loose Stool:
Michael Beasley, Black Prez
.240 - 1.000 - 0 - 8 - 1 - 1 - 1 - 0
Upper Decker:
Kevin Durant, Screen Team
.450 - 1.000 - 1 - 22 - 6 - 2 - 1 - 1
Screen can't really be blamed for benching KD, since this is his first game in weeks, but it's worth noting that he is back.
An Open Letter...
...to the guy sitting in front of Bardey and me on the bus to AC last night.
Dear Sir:
Oh, I'm sorry. Did our quiet, conventional conversation bother you? To the point that you felt the need to shush or, as you so so eloquently put it, complain that it was "a long... talk"? I truly apologize. After all, this is a Greyhound bus that cost you $17, and you are travelling from New York City to Atlantic City on a Friday night, so I can imagine you need your rest. I mean, you could be sending your hard-earned money back to your family in Laos, but instead you're heading to a casino to gamble it away; that must be exhausting. As long as we're talking, though, let me make a few suggestions:
1) Since we're on a bus with approximately 6 inches of space between my seat and yours, and you've decided that you should fully recline your seat-back, perhaps the problem is that I have failed to fully embrace my responsibility as the man sitting behind you. Your head (and with it, your seat) is literally in my lap, so perhaps I could help you get some rest. Maybe I could massage your temples? They are, after all, six inches away from my face, and as long as I can't so much as shift my legs or lean forward, I might as well stretch my muscles by comforting you. Perhaps I could even sing you a lullabye? Would that help?
Oh, or maybe you could decide not to recline your seat, as I have done on every bus and train I've taken for the past six years? Considering that reclining adds to your comfort about .001%, and makes it so that I am frozen in a rigid, corpse-like state in my own seat, de-clining would seem to server the greater good; but it's totally up to you, brah.
2) Considering that you we're so incredibly close, maybe it would have made sense for you to bring an IPod and headphones on this trip. I mean, I packed light, what with it being a one-night trip and all, but I at least brought some tunes just in case I wanted to drown out the sound of 60 other people on my bus and listen to some of the music I like en route to Atlantic City. It's a crazy idea, I know, but portable, personal music has been around for about 30 years now, so maybe it's something you should look into.
3) Then again, IPods can be expensive, and portable CD players are nearly 20 dollars these days, so maybe that's something you can't afford. I get it, man. The economy is tight and you're trying to save every buck, so let me clue you in. They've come up with these crazy things called earplugs, and they cost about a dollar. Here's how I use them: basically, any time I know that my ears are going to be SIX FUCKING INCHES from somebody's mouth, I get myself a pair of these babies to drown out the noise. It could be talking; it could be snoring; it could be breathing. At that distance, it's more or less a function of BASIC HUMAN BEHAVIOR that I'm going to hear whatever the fuck is going on and I'm not going to be totally comfortable. I might like to drown some shit out. A nice pair of earplugs achieves this in a cheap, easily-available way.
4) Maybe, whatever the fuck your problem is, you could just shut the fuck up and let it go and not be such a fucking pussy. You ever think of that, you stupid son of a bitch? Instead of complaing about people having a conversation and then spending the next sixty minutes swinging your head around like a wild man as you fall asleep, nod off into the aisle, and wake up AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN, you could just stay awake for an extra hour on your way down to the fucking casinos.
These are only a few of the many possible solutions I could propose to the problems you enountered on the prime time bus from the Port Authority to Caesar's on the night of Friday, March 13th. If I can be of any more assistance, please don't hesitate to contact me. I can be reached at youreafuckingfuck@worthlesspieceofshit.com.
Regards!
Jeremiah Johnson
Note: I actually have no problem with this guy. Many's the time I've been on a bus or train between NYC and DC and been totally frustrated with conversations going on around me. As soon as he requested that Bardey and I quiet down, we did, and with no complaint. It's just that I didn't bring any reading material on the bus and had an hour and half to stew to myself about it, and this is what I came up with. If I receive one request with regards to this blog, it's that I be more angry, so I figured I might as well publish this. Hope you enjoyed.
Dear Sir:
Oh, I'm sorry. Did our quiet, conventional conversation bother you? To the point that you felt the need to shush or, as you so so eloquently put it, complain that it was "a long... talk"? I truly apologize. After all, this is a Greyhound bus that cost you $17, and you are travelling from New York City to Atlantic City on a Friday night, so I can imagine you need your rest. I mean, you could be sending your hard-earned money back to your family in Laos, but instead you're heading to a casino to gamble it away; that must be exhausting. As long as we're talking, though, let me make a few suggestions:
1) Since we're on a bus with approximately 6 inches of space between my seat and yours, and you've decided that you should fully recline your seat-back, perhaps the problem is that I have failed to fully embrace my responsibility as the man sitting behind you. Your head (and with it, your seat) is literally in my lap, so perhaps I could help you get some rest. Maybe I could massage your temples? They are, after all, six inches away from my face, and as long as I can't so much as shift my legs or lean forward, I might as well stretch my muscles by comforting you. Perhaps I could even sing you a lullabye? Would that help?
Oh, or maybe you could decide not to recline your seat, as I have done on every bus and train I've taken for the past six years? Considering that reclining adds to your comfort about .001%, and makes it so that I am frozen in a rigid, corpse-like state in my own seat, de-clining would seem to server the greater good; but it's totally up to you, brah.
2) Considering that you we're so incredibly close, maybe it would have made sense for you to bring an IPod and headphones on this trip. I mean, I packed light, what with it being a one-night trip and all, but I at least brought some tunes just in case I wanted to drown out the sound of 60 other people on my bus and listen to some of the music I like en route to Atlantic City. It's a crazy idea, I know, but portable, personal music has been around for about 30 years now, so maybe it's something you should look into.
3) Then again, IPods can be expensive, and portable CD players are nearly 20 dollars these days, so maybe that's something you can't afford. I get it, man. The economy is tight and you're trying to save every buck, so let me clue you in. They've come up with these crazy things called earplugs, and they cost about a dollar. Here's how I use them: basically, any time I know that my ears are going to be SIX FUCKING INCHES from somebody's mouth, I get myself a pair of these babies to drown out the noise. It could be talking; it could be snoring; it could be breathing. At that distance, it's more or less a function of BASIC HUMAN BEHAVIOR that I'm going to hear whatever the fuck is going on and I'm not going to be totally comfortable. I might like to drown some shit out. A nice pair of earplugs achieves this in a cheap, easily-available way.
4) Maybe, whatever the fuck your problem is, you could just shut the fuck up and let it go and not be such a fucking pussy. You ever think of that, you stupid son of a bitch? Instead of complaing about people having a conversation and then spending the next sixty minutes swinging your head around like a wild man as you fall asleep, nod off into the aisle, and wake up AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN, you could just stay awake for an extra hour on your way down to the fucking casinos.
These are only a few of the many possible solutions I could propose to the problems you enountered on the prime time bus from the Port Authority to Caesar's on the night of Friday, March 13th. If I can be of any more assistance, please don't hesitate to contact me. I can be reached at youreafuckingfuck@worthlesspieceofshit.com.
Regards!
Jeremiah Johnson
Note: I actually have no problem with this guy. Many's the time I've been on a bus or train between NYC and DC and been totally frustrated with conversations going on around me. As soon as he requested that Bardey and I quiet down, we did, and with no complaint. It's just that I didn't bring any reading material on the bus and had an hour and half to stew to myself about it, and this is what I came up with. If I receive one request with regards to this blog, it's that I be more angry, so I figured I might as well publish this. Hope you enjoyed.
3.12.2009
Visiting Lecturer, Vol. 1
Most of us have been doing fantasy since college or thereafter, in the era of web-compiled stats and high-falutin' services offering instant updates, live scoring, and--praise be--chat rooms. We're familiar with the term "roto," but mostly just as a synonym for fantasy or as the fake surname of ESPN guru Matthew Berry. For Browless Wonders owner Will Shoaf, though, 'roto' still exists in its original meaning, from the days when Shoaf's dad and his weird, probably dental-based, friends would do a rotisserie baseball league where everyone is playing everyone all the time.
Still trying to please his Dad after all these years, Will has compiled our league's results as if it were a roto league. I don't think I can cut and paste his formatting (he made a chart!) into this site, so I'm just going to try to publish a link. Let me know if this works:
Will's Roto Analysis
[UPDATE: I've replaced the original link with the one from the comments section that supposedly works.]
Still trying to please his Dad after all these years, Will has compiled our league's results as if it were a roto league. I don't think I can cut and paste his formatting (he made a chart!) into this site, so I'm just going to try to publish a link. Let me know if this works:
Will's Roto Analysis
[UPDATE: I've replaced the original link with the one from the comments section that supposedly works.]
Morning Dump
A quick look at last night's highs and lows.
Hot Shit: Chris Paul, Browless
.688 - .889 - 0 - 30 - 10 -13 - 4 - 0
Loose Stool: Ben Gordon, Snap Jelly
.100 - 1.000 - 0 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 0 - 0
Upper Decker: Rasual Butler, Black Prez
.389 - .500 - 6 - 21 - 3 - 2 - 1 - 1
Hot Shit: Chris Paul, Browless
.688 - .889 - 0 - 30 - 10 -13 - 4 - 0
Loose Stool: Ben Gordon, Snap Jelly
.100 - 1.000 - 0 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 0 - 0
Upper Decker: Rasual Butler, Black Prez
.389 - .500 - 6 - 21 - 3 - 2 - 1 - 1
3.11.2009
Morning Dump
A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.
Hot Shit: LeBron James, Snap Jelly
.435 - .750 - 0 - 32 - 13 - 11 - 2 - 2
Loose Stool: Wilson Chandler, Browless
.333 - .000 - 0 - 4 - 2 - 2 - 0 - 0
Upper Decker: Larry Hughes, Fire Groh
.650 - .889 - 5 - 39 - 6 - 2 - 4 - 0
(Just to be clear, the Upper Decker designation refers to the best performance by a bench player. Quality work, but in the wrong location.)
Hot Shit: LeBron James, Snap Jelly
.435 - .750 - 0 - 32 - 13 - 11 - 2 - 2
Loose Stool: Wilson Chandler, Browless
.333 - .000 - 0 - 4 - 2 - 2 - 0 - 0
Upper Decker: Larry Hughes, Fire Groh
.650 - .889 - 5 - 39 - 6 - 2 - 4 - 0
(Just to be clear, the Upper Decker designation refers to the best performance by a bench player. Quality work, but in the wrong location.)
3.10.2009
Week 19 in Review: Game Re-Caps
What you missed if you were only paying attention to your own game, you selfish prick.
Before I dive in I wanted to announce a few changes to the Faculty. Firstly, you'll notice that there's a "Recent Moves" column off to the right. Rather than providing a weekly wrap-up, I'll try to post moves as they happen (imagine Jack Bauer screaming "I need that information in real time!"), so that you can get the freshest version of my opinion on why they are stupid/pointless. Also, one of our regulars has inquired about writing a guest blog, and I would like to widely announce that that is more than welcome. The point of this is to be a league site, and while I like to post my own bullshit, I'd also love to make this a repository of all the different kinds of bullshit we're able to come up with in this group. Please remember to include something to the effect of "This is nowhere near as good as Sovic's stuff" in the Comments section, though, to protect my oh-so-fragile ego. Anyways, if you want to submit something, just send it to me in an e-mail or attached to an e-mail and I will get it formatted into the blog.
Now onto some Game Re-Caps:
Fire Al Groh 5 (ft%/3pm/pts/reb/blk)
Fear the Turtle 3 (fg%/ast/stl)
What an appropriate week for these two teams to play, and what an appropriate outcome. The Hoos' victory over the Terps likely ended their chances at an NCAA berth, while FAG's defeat of the Turtle probably drove the final nail in the coffin of any playoff hopes for Dev. The epitaph on that playoff gravestone (extended metaphor!) may very well want to mention the early-week injury to Caron Butler, who ended up playing only one game in Week 19. CaBron did nearly contribute an Octuplet in his return, but even Tony Parker's big week (112 pts, 30 ast, 60% fgp and 96% ftp) couldn't overcome those three missed games. Bardey's boys had a number of well-rounded performances, most notably Mo Williams' 15 threes, 100 points, 17 boards and 15 assists. They also garnered a rare win in free throw percentage, owing to strong weeks by Williams, Vince Carter, Nate Robinson, and Josh Howard, and a not-awful week by Dwight Howard.
The Browless Wonders 7 (everything but blk)
Black Ice 1 (blk)
There's never all that much to say about these match-ups with Black Ice. Once again he had an 0-fer in the line-up, but Luol Deng didn't miss a game until after the week had started, so I'm not sure we can blame him. Let's focus on the positives for the Wonders: neither Chris Paul nor Jason Terry missed a free throw; Delonte West had a league-leading 13 steals on the strength of an 8-steal game; and Charlie V and Luis Scola both averaged double-doubles in scoring and boarding. If only Will had some big men he might have had a clean sweep by winning blocks. What's that you say? Charlie Villanueva, David West, Luis Scola, and Marcus Camby are all big men who should be able to get some blocks? Well maybe Will should think about getting some big guys who are interested in playing defense, or don't have migraine headaches that keep them out for weeks at a time.
Kill Whitey 4 (ft%/3pm/ast/blk)
Black Prezodents 3 (fg%/pts/reb)
Here's what I wrote on Sunday evening as this match-up was winding down: "So far this season, the Black Prezodents are tops in the league in steals, averaging almost 35 a week. Kill Whitey, on the other hand, is last in the league averaging a mere 13. And yet, as of this writing (sunday, 7:10), the two teams are separated by only one steal." That was me, up by a steal, and I thought it was a secure margin with JR Smith yet to play for me and Chris Anderson yet to play for Dekker. I was wrong; motherfucker tied me in steals. I think my Luck Factor has dipped by at least 1. Then again, I absolutely suck at field goal percentage, but Dekker's Whiteys were worst in the league this week, so maybe, as I suggested, it all balances out. Of note in the win was Steve Nash, who averaged 25 pts and 11 ast and shot 55%/88%.
Great Oden's Raven 5 (3pm/pts/reb/ast/stl)
Working's fo Suckers 3 (fg%/ft%/blk)
I don't normally proclaim a "Game of the Week" or anything, but if I did this would have been it. Of these two teams' 16 stat performances, 10 were in the top 3 in the league, including several in which they duked it out in the same category: Oden #1 and Suckers #2 in assists; Suckers #1 and Oden #2 in free throw percentage; Oden #2 and Suckers #3 in steals. Ultimately, though, Oden gained the slight edge in a few of those squeakers and continued their dominance of a select group of categories. This game also featured some drama, in that these two teams had recently made a big trade, and three of those players were in the starting line-ups. Only Jesse's acquisitions, however, had much to contribute, as Andris Biedrins apparently is not entirely over his injury. Randy Foye also missed some time, but Marc Gasol chipped in 11 blocks to lead the Suckers to victory in that category.
Snap Jelly Soldiers 6 (3pm/pts/reb/ast/stl/blk)
Screen Team 2 (fg%/ft%)
Screen Team is suffering right now from two teams' willingness to sit their stars, albeit for different reasons: the Celtics are a lock for the playoffs, and can afford to give their defensive centerpiece, Kevin Garnett, as much time as he needs to recover; and the Thunder are a lock for the lottery, and can't risk bringing the future of the franchise, Kevin Durant, back too soon. Fortunately, Screen Team is nearly a lock for the playoffs as well, so they can afford the spanking they took at the hands of Snap Jelly. Steffens' team has had a few off-weeks, but they were back in business to start March, leading the league in rebounds and blocks by considerable margins. As always, Snap Jelly was led by LeBron, who's really been stepping up his outside game lately (12 threes), and were helped along by solid all-around stats from top to bottom of the line-up.
Professor Dribbles 5 (fg%/pts/reb/ast/blk)
Dominique Moceanu 3 (ft%/3pm/stl)
If I bothered to name a Game of the Week, I suppose I can go ahead and name this Non-Game of the Week. Only two performances in this match-up--Dribbles' field goal percentage and Moceanu's threes--were in the top quarter of the league. Dribbles did secure the victory, but it should be noted that two of Billy's starters (Jeff Green and Allen Iverson) did not play a minute. Green's injury means that Billy very nearly acquired Baron Davis, Rasheed Wallace, and Michael Beasley in exchange for absolutely nothing a few weeks ago, so once again I have to applaud and thank him for his honest business dealing. Dekker may disagree.
The Best & Worst of Week 19:
FG%: Screen Team .508, Kill Whitey .451
FT%: Working's fo Suckers .856, Professor Dribbles .765
3PM: Fire Al Groh 49, Fear the Turtle 12
Pts: Great Oden's Raven 633, Black Ice 324
Reb: Snap Jelly Soldiers 242, Dominique Moceanu 125
Ast: Great Oden's Raven 154, Fire Al Groh 69
Stl: The Browless Wonders 47, Black Ice 21
Blk: Snap Jelly Soldiers 40, Dominique Moceanu 9
We're less than two weeks from the start of the play-offs, so this is the last chance for teams like Kill Whitey, Professor Dribbles, and Fear the Turtle to make their move. Here's who's battling in Week 20:
Black Prezodents vs. Great Oden's Raven
The Browless Wonders vs. Kill Whitey
Fear the Turtle vs. Black Ice
Professor Dribbles vs. Fire Al Groh
Snap Jelly Soldiers vs. Dominique Moceanu
Working's fo Suckers vs. Screen Team
Good luck to all except for Bernier, porque el presidente no es mas que una marioneta.
Before I dive in I wanted to announce a few changes to the Faculty. Firstly, you'll notice that there's a "Recent Moves" column off to the right. Rather than providing a weekly wrap-up, I'll try to post moves as they happen (imagine Jack Bauer screaming "I need that information in real time!"), so that you can get the freshest version of my opinion on why they are stupid/pointless. Also, one of our regulars has inquired about writing a guest blog, and I would like to widely announce that that is more than welcome. The point of this is to be a league site, and while I like to post my own bullshit, I'd also love to make this a repository of all the different kinds of bullshit we're able to come up with in this group. Please remember to include something to the effect of "This is nowhere near as good as Sovic's stuff" in the Comments section, though, to protect my oh-so-fragile ego. Anyways, if you want to submit something, just send it to me in an e-mail or attached to an e-mail and I will get it formatted into the blog.
Now onto some Game Re-Caps:
Fire Al Groh 5 (ft%/3pm/pts/reb/blk)
Fear the Turtle 3 (fg%/ast/stl)
What an appropriate week for these two teams to play, and what an appropriate outcome. The Hoos' victory over the Terps likely ended their chances at an NCAA berth, while FAG's defeat of the Turtle probably drove the final nail in the coffin of any playoff hopes for Dev. The epitaph on that playoff gravestone (extended metaphor!) may very well want to mention the early-week injury to Caron Butler, who ended up playing only one game in Week 19. CaBron did nearly contribute an Octuplet in his return, but even Tony Parker's big week (112 pts, 30 ast, 60% fgp and 96% ftp) couldn't overcome those three missed games. Bardey's boys had a number of well-rounded performances, most notably Mo Williams' 15 threes, 100 points, 17 boards and 15 assists. They also garnered a rare win in free throw percentage, owing to strong weeks by Williams, Vince Carter, Nate Robinson, and Josh Howard, and a not-awful week by Dwight Howard.
The Browless Wonders 7 (everything but blk)
Black Ice 1 (blk)
There's never all that much to say about these match-ups with Black Ice. Once again he had an 0-fer in the line-up, but Luol Deng didn't miss a game until after the week had started, so I'm not sure we can blame him. Let's focus on the positives for the Wonders: neither Chris Paul nor Jason Terry missed a free throw; Delonte West had a league-leading 13 steals on the strength of an 8-steal game; and Charlie V and Luis Scola both averaged double-doubles in scoring and boarding. If only Will had some big men he might have had a clean sweep by winning blocks. What's that you say? Charlie Villanueva, David West, Luis Scola, and Marcus Camby are all big men who should be able to get some blocks? Well maybe Will should think about getting some big guys who are interested in playing defense, or don't have migraine headaches that keep them out for weeks at a time.
Kill Whitey 4 (ft%/3pm/ast/blk)
Black Prezodents 3 (fg%/pts/reb)
Here's what I wrote on Sunday evening as this match-up was winding down: "So far this season, the Black Prezodents are tops in the league in steals, averaging almost 35 a week. Kill Whitey, on the other hand, is last in the league averaging a mere 13. And yet, as of this writing (sunday, 7:10), the two teams are separated by only one steal." That was me, up by a steal, and I thought it was a secure margin with JR Smith yet to play for me and Chris Anderson yet to play for Dekker. I was wrong; motherfucker tied me in steals. I think my Luck Factor has dipped by at least 1. Then again, I absolutely suck at field goal percentage, but Dekker's Whiteys were worst in the league this week, so maybe, as I suggested, it all balances out. Of note in the win was Steve Nash, who averaged 25 pts and 11 ast and shot 55%/88%.
Great Oden's Raven 5 (3pm/pts/reb/ast/stl)
Working's fo Suckers 3 (fg%/ft%/blk)
I don't normally proclaim a "Game of the Week" or anything, but if I did this would have been it. Of these two teams' 16 stat performances, 10 were in the top 3 in the league, including several in which they duked it out in the same category: Oden #1 and Suckers #2 in assists; Suckers #1 and Oden #2 in free throw percentage; Oden #2 and Suckers #3 in steals. Ultimately, though, Oden gained the slight edge in a few of those squeakers and continued their dominance of a select group of categories. This game also featured some drama, in that these two teams had recently made a big trade, and three of those players were in the starting line-ups. Only Jesse's acquisitions, however, had much to contribute, as Andris Biedrins apparently is not entirely over his injury. Randy Foye also missed some time, but Marc Gasol chipped in 11 blocks to lead the Suckers to victory in that category.
Snap Jelly Soldiers 6 (3pm/pts/reb/ast/stl/blk)
Screen Team 2 (fg%/ft%)
Screen Team is suffering right now from two teams' willingness to sit their stars, albeit for different reasons: the Celtics are a lock for the playoffs, and can afford to give their defensive centerpiece, Kevin Garnett, as much time as he needs to recover; and the Thunder are a lock for the lottery, and can't risk bringing the future of the franchise, Kevin Durant, back too soon. Fortunately, Screen Team is nearly a lock for the playoffs as well, so they can afford the spanking they took at the hands of Snap Jelly. Steffens' team has had a few off-weeks, but they were back in business to start March, leading the league in rebounds and blocks by considerable margins. As always, Snap Jelly was led by LeBron, who's really been stepping up his outside game lately (12 threes), and were helped along by solid all-around stats from top to bottom of the line-up.
Professor Dribbles 5 (fg%/pts/reb/ast/blk)
Dominique Moceanu 3 (ft%/3pm/stl)
If I bothered to name a Game of the Week, I suppose I can go ahead and name this Non-Game of the Week. Only two performances in this match-up--Dribbles' field goal percentage and Moceanu's threes--were in the top quarter of the league. Dribbles did secure the victory, but it should be noted that two of Billy's starters (Jeff Green and Allen Iverson) did not play a minute. Green's injury means that Billy very nearly acquired Baron Davis, Rasheed Wallace, and Michael Beasley in exchange for absolutely nothing a few weeks ago, so once again I have to applaud and thank him for his honest business dealing. Dekker may disagree.
The Best & Worst of Week 19:
FG%: Screen Team .508, Kill Whitey .451
FT%: Working's fo Suckers .856, Professor Dribbles .765
3PM: Fire Al Groh 49, Fear the Turtle 12
Pts: Great Oden's Raven 633, Black Ice 324
Reb: Snap Jelly Soldiers 242, Dominique Moceanu 125
Ast: Great Oden's Raven 154, Fire Al Groh 69
Stl: The Browless Wonders 47, Black Ice 21
Blk: Snap Jelly Soldiers 40, Dominique Moceanu 9
We're less than two weeks from the start of the play-offs, so this is the last chance for teams like Kill Whitey, Professor Dribbles, and Fear the Turtle to make their move. Here's who's battling in Week 20:
Black Prezodents vs. Great Oden's Raven
The Browless Wonders vs. Kill Whitey
Fear the Turtle vs. Black Ice
Professor Dribbles vs. Fire Al Groh
Snap Jelly Soldiers vs. Dominique Moceanu
Working's fo Suckers vs. Screen Team
Good luck to all except for Bernier, porque el presidente no es mas que una marioneta.
3.09.2009
This Week in League Pass
A look at the week to come in the NBA and the CUFBA.
If you were hoping for a Cluj Marketplace segment, you might have to wait a few more days. The schedule here in the Faculty Lounge is changing a bit, as I (and seemingly you) have lost interest in a few of the normal weeklies. But the League Pass Highlights lives on:
Monday: Lakers vs. Blazers
There is actually another game tonight (Hornets vs. Hawks) that I could get pretty geeked about, but Lakers-Blazers is pretty much a League Pass money shot as far as I'm concerned. The only thing that could up the ante on this one is if somehow Rondo suited up for Portland tonight (though it might explain his mysterious absence from the C's game yesterday). Even though I'm a big Blazers fan, I did not realize until just now that my boys have taken six straight from Kobe and company. That's pretty fucking incredible, considering that the Lakers have only lost six games to Western Conference opponents all season. [UPDATE: Apparently that statistic refers to games at the Rose Garden. Not nearly as impressive, but still pretty radical.]
Tuesday: Jazz vs. Pacers
OK this is a weird one. I don't really like either of these teams very much, but Utah is playing incredibly lately (11 straight victories) and I think Danny Granger might make a go at playing in this one, which would be awesome. If not, I'll enjoy watching the first quarter and a half of D-Will and Boozer dismantling the Pacers, then probably watch DVR'd episodes of Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory.
Wednesday: Thunder vs. Nuggets
Speaking of players returning from injury... I'm not sure if he'll be back by this game (or anytime soon), but I did trade for Kevin Durant in my middle school league last week, so I'm looking forward to having another reason to watch the Thunder soon. My interest in the Nuggets is well-documented, and has enjoyed a recent resurgence thanks to George Karl's decision to finally start JR Smith.
Thursday: Cavaliers vs. Suns, I guess
Thursdays are probably a highlight of NBA fandom for some of you, since there are nationally broadcasted games, but I fucking hate these scantily-scheduled nights with only two games. Shocker, one of them is Kobe and the other is LeBron. I picked the later game because I'm more likely to watch it as I'm heading to bed.
Friday: Mavericks vs. Warriors...
...reminds me of that magical Round 1 series in '07 when the frenzied Diddy-led Warriors upset Dirk and co., and will serve as inspiration for Bardey and I to topple the odds in Atlantic City, where we will be rolling dice. Any and all should strongly consider joining us. There are Greyhounds leaving from the Port Authority practically every 20 minutes. After our big night, we'll probably be taking a helicopter back.
Saturday: Clippers vs. Nuggets
And if, by some chance, we return from the craps tables as Losers, then I will drown my sorrows on Saturday night amongst my own kind by watching my lowly Clippers, Baron Davis and Eric Gordon. I'm really pulling for Gordon to grab Rookie of the Year honors, but I think when you're playing for the Clippers, there's pretty much no hope.
Sunday: Blazers vs. Hawks
A week bookended by Blazers games against some of my favorite teams to watch is a wonderful week of the NBA indeed.
If you were hoping for a Cluj Marketplace segment, you might have to wait a few more days. The schedule here in the Faculty Lounge is changing a bit, as I (and seemingly you) have lost interest in a few of the normal weeklies. But the League Pass Highlights lives on:
Monday: Lakers vs. Blazers
There is actually another game tonight (Hornets vs. Hawks) that I could get pretty geeked about, but Lakers-Blazers is pretty much a League Pass money shot as far as I'm concerned. The only thing that could up the ante on this one is if somehow Rondo suited up for Portland tonight (though it might explain his mysterious absence from the C's game yesterday). Even though I'm a big Blazers fan, I did not realize until just now that my boys have taken six straight from Kobe and company. That's pretty fucking incredible, considering that the Lakers have only lost six games to Western Conference opponents all season. [UPDATE: Apparently that statistic refers to games at the Rose Garden. Not nearly as impressive, but still pretty radical.]
Tuesday: Jazz vs. Pacers
OK this is a weird one. I don't really like either of these teams very much, but Utah is playing incredibly lately (11 straight victories) and I think Danny Granger might make a go at playing in this one, which would be awesome. If not, I'll enjoy watching the first quarter and a half of D-Will and Boozer dismantling the Pacers, then probably watch DVR'd episodes of Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory.
Wednesday: Thunder vs. Nuggets
Speaking of players returning from injury... I'm not sure if he'll be back by this game (or anytime soon), but I did trade for Kevin Durant in my middle school league last week, so I'm looking forward to having another reason to watch the Thunder soon. My interest in the Nuggets is well-documented, and has enjoyed a recent resurgence thanks to George Karl's decision to finally start JR Smith.
Thursday: Cavaliers vs. Suns, I guess
Thursdays are probably a highlight of NBA fandom for some of you, since there are nationally broadcasted games, but I fucking hate these scantily-scheduled nights with only two games. Shocker, one of them is Kobe and the other is LeBron. I picked the later game because I'm more likely to watch it as I'm heading to bed.
Friday: Mavericks vs. Warriors...
...reminds me of that magical Round 1 series in '07 when the frenzied Diddy-led Warriors upset Dirk and co., and will serve as inspiration for Bardey and I to topple the odds in Atlantic City, where we will be rolling dice. Any and all should strongly consider joining us. There are Greyhounds leaving from the Port Authority practically every 20 minutes. After our big night, we'll probably be taking a helicopter back.
Saturday: Clippers vs. Nuggets
And if, by some chance, we return from the craps tables as Losers, then I will drown my sorrows on Saturday night amongst my own kind by watching my lowly Clippers, Baron Davis and Eric Gordon. I'm really pulling for Gordon to grab Rookie of the Year honors, but I think when you're playing for the Clippers, there's pretty much no hope.
Sunday: Blazers vs. Hawks
A week bookended by Blazers games against some of my favorite teams to watch is a wonderful week of the NBA indeed.
3.08.2009
Charts & Figgers
Each Saturday brings high-level statistical analysis from a man who hasn't taken a math class since high school.
So far this season, the Black Prezodents are tops in the league in steals, averaging almost 35 a week. Kill Whitey, on the other hand, is last in the league averaging a mere 13. And yet, as of this writing (sunday, 7:10), the two teams are separated by only one steal. Schedule variations, injuries, and roster changes conspire together every week to take what should be clear victories and turn them into defeats. Certainly team management comes into play somewhat in determining these unexpected results, but to a large degree it comes down to luck. Considering this, I decided to look into quantifying the luck of each team in the league.
To determine the luck factor of each team, I looked over the full-season statistics for each team, looking at who they're ahead of, who they're behind, and how many times they've played each. Then I compared the total number of games they've won to the number of games they "should have" won, thus producing their Luck Factor. (Ejemplo: The Browless Wonders are 8th in the league in field goal percentage, and they've played teams 9-12 six times, so they "should" have six fg% wins. In fact, they have 10. Lucky fucks.)
The Cluj U FBA Luck Index (as of Week 18)
Fear the Turtle: has won 65, should have won 49. Luck Factor = +16
Screen Team: has won 79, should have won 66. Luck Factor = +13
Black Ice: has won 29, should have won 25. Luck Factor = +4
Professor Dribbles: has won 65, should have won 63. Luck Factor = +2
Fire Al Groh: has won 89, should have won 87. Luck Factor = +2
Dominique Moceanu: has won 60, should have won 61. Luck Factor = -1
Kill Whitey: has won 66, should have won 68. Luck Factor = -2
Black Prezodents: have won 75, should have won 78. Luck Factor = -3
Working's fo Suckers: has won 63, should have won 70. Luck Factor = -7
The Browless Wonders: have won 84, should have won 92. Luck Factor = -8
Great Oden's Raven: have won 84, should have won 95. Luck Factor = -11
Snap Jelly Soldiers: have won 91, should have won 110. Luck Factor = -19
That's right, despite the fact that Snap Jelly Soldiers are on top of the league, they've actually lost a lot of games that, statistically, they should have won. Instead of just beating the rest of us, they should be crushing us. I should also note that Screen's Luck Factor is probably thrown off a bit by the fact that he produced no stats for the first two weeks, but I'm not about to do a ton more math just to eliminate that inconsistency.
The biggest swings in luck came in the percentage categories, with Snap Jelly suffering a -8 differential and Great Oden's Raven boasting a +8 differential in field goal percentage. In general, though, percentages are decided by relatively thin margins, so it's not surprising that the results should be so influenced by luck. Among the volume stats, the biggest swings were Fear the Turles, with +6's in both Assists and 3-Pointers, and Kill Whitey, with a -7 in Assists.
Obviously, there's nothing any of us can do to affect or alter our luck, but things in the fantasy universe do tend towards parity and equality, and I am a believer in karma, so those of you with negative luck factors can probably expect some good things coming your way in the next couple weeks. As for Dev and Screen? You two are fucked.
So far this season, the Black Prezodents are tops in the league in steals, averaging almost 35 a week. Kill Whitey, on the other hand, is last in the league averaging a mere 13. And yet, as of this writing (sunday, 7:10), the two teams are separated by only one steal. Schedule variations, injuries, and roster changes conspire together every week to take what should be clear victories and turn them into defeats. Certainly team management comes into play somewhat in determining these unexpected results, but to a large degree it comes down to luck. Considering this, I decided to look into quantifying the luck of each team in the league.
To determine the luck factor of each team, I looked over the full-season statistics for each team, looking at who they're ahead of, who they're behind, and how many times they've played each. Then I compared the total number of games they've won to the number of games they "should have" won, thus producing their Luck Factor. (Ejemplo: The Browless Wonders are 8th in the league in field goal percentage, and they've played teams 9-12 six times, so they "should" have six fg% wins. In fact, they have 10. Lucky fucks.)
The Cluj U FBA Luck Index (as of Week 18)
Fear the Turtle: has won 65, should have won 49. Luck Factor = +16
Screen Team: has won 79, should have won 66. Luck Factor = +13
Black Ice: has won 29, should have won 25. Luck Factor = +4
Professor Dribbles: has won 65, should have won 63. Luck Factor = +2
Fire Al Groh: has won 89, should have won 87. Luck Factor = +2
Dominique Moceanu: has won 60, should have won 61. Luck Factor = -1
Kill Whitey: has won 66, should have won 68. Luck Factor = -2
Black Prezodents: have won 75, should have won 78. Luck Factor = -3
Working's fo Suckers: has won 63, should have won 70. Luck Factor = -7
The Browless Wonders: have won 84, should have won 92. Luck Factor = -8
Great Oden's Raven: have won 84, should have won 95. Luck Factor = -11
Snap Jelly Soldiers: have won 91, should have won 110. Luck Factor = -19
That's right, despite the fact that Snap Jelly Soldiers are on top of the league, they've actually lost a lot of games that, statistically, they should have won. Instead of just beating the rest of us, they should be crushing us. I should also note that Screen's Luck Factor is probably thrown off a bit by the fact that he produced no stats for the first two weeks, but I'm not about to do a ton more math just to eliminate that inconsistency.
The biggest swings in luck came in the percentage categories, with Snap Jelly suffering a -8 differential and Great Oden's Raven boasting a +8 differential in field goal percentage. In general, though, percentages are decided by relatively thin margins, so it's not surprising that the results should be so influenced by luck. Among the volume stats, the biggest swings were Fear the Turles, with +6's in both Assists and 3-Pointers, and Kill Whitey, with a -7 in Assists.
Obviously, there's nothing any of us can do to affect or alter our luck, but things in the fantasy universe do tend towards parity and equality, and I am a believer in karma, so those of you with negative luck factors can probably expect some good things coming your way in the next couple weeks. As for Dev and Screen? You two are fucked.
3.05.2009
Week 18 in Review: Game Re-Caps
What you missed if you were only paying attention to your own game, you selfish prick.
Whoops! Kind of forgot I had a blog here for a couple days. Here, belatedly, are your Week 18 write-ups.
Great Oden's Raven 6 (ft%/3pm/pts/ast/stl/blk)
Screen Team 2 (fg%/reb)
The injury bug bit Screen Team this week, meaning only partial weeks for two of Andres' most valuable contributors: Kevin Durant and Nene. As we saw in last week's Charts & Figgers, Durant is a big part of Screen Team's success in every single category, and though Jarrett Jack (8 3s, 98 pts, 20 ast, 5 st) stepped up in his absence, there still wasn't much the Screen Teamers could do in the face of Beb's traditionally dominant categories. As noted last week, the Ravens are perennial contenders in a handful of categories (3s, points, assists, steals) while rolling the dice on the others. I recommended a trade to sacrifice some of those cats, and Beb responded by giving up some of those 3s and points (Randy Foye) to pick up some boards (Andris Biedrins). It will be interesting to see how that shift in strategy plays out for G.O.R. as we near the end of the regular season.
Working's fo Suckers 6 (ft%/pts/reb/ast/stl/blk)
Kill Whitey 2 (fg%/3pm)
Hey, hey! Look who's involved in a fantasy basketball league! It's Jesse, who not only shook up his roster with the afore-mentioned Great Oden's Raven trade, but also handed Dekker a week 18 ass-whooping. Two of the factors that have dragged the Suckers down this season have been the inconsistent health of Deron Williams and Zach Randolph, but both were at full strength this week and it paid off. D-Will has his old running mate, Carlos Boozer, back, and the ol' Jazz pick-and-roll paid off to the tune of 54 assists. Randolph led the team in scoring (101) and boarding (44), as you might have expected him to at the beginning of the season--an expectation he has rarely met. Between Williams, Jason Kidd, and Leandro Barbosa running the point for an injured Steve Nash, this team has some serious dish power, and they led the league in assists this week with 171. A playoff berth seems unlikely at this point for Delconte, but if the team stays at full strength they might play the spoiler role for their next few opponents.
Professor Dribbles 6 (fg%/3pm/pts/reb/ast/stl)
Snap Jelly Soldiers 2 (ft%/blk)
Holy shit. Professor Dribbles achieved two Cluj milestones this week in an unlikely victory that had the whole league (OK, more like me, Will, and Bardey) aflame with excitement. The first was crossing the 700-points barrier. I'm not sure if this is the first time we've had someone go over 700, but at the very least it's exceedingly rare and impressive. Helping the Professor get there was the continued excellence of Kobe Bryant (136 pts) and the resurgence of his former teammate, Shaquille O'Neal (110 pts). The second notable achievement for Dribbles was handing Snap Jelly Soldiers only their second loss of the season, and their first since Week 4. Dribbs was solid across the board, leading the league in field goal percentage and points, and finishing second in assists. This was very nearly a 7-1 victory, as Snap Jelly (31 steals) was the only team in the league to top Dribbles in that category this week. This was the second straight underwhelming performance for the league leaders, but that blow is likely softened by the fact that even in losing 6-2, Steffens clinched a playoff position. That must be nice for him. Asshole.
Fear the Turtle 5 (fg%/pts/reb/ast/blk)
Dominique Moceanu 2 (ft%/3pm)
Poor Billy. After losing Amar'e Stoudemire to injury, and thus (controversially) negating our trade, his return to the West Coast apparently left him too tired, too late, too hungover, or too disinterested to adjust his line-up for Week 18, and he ended up leaving blanks at two positions. These gaping holes left him at or near the bottom of the league in most of the volume stats, but he still managed to lead the league in threes thanks to Ron Artest, Kevin Martin, and Peja Stojakovic. The Turtles were paced by Tony Parker who led the team in points (102) and assists (31), while new face-of-the-franchise Chris Wilcox was worst on the squad in threes (0), points (7), rebounds (7), assists (1), and both the percentages. With Wilcox turning out to be such a huge disappointment and Juan Dixon inexplicably not on the roster, it's unclear why Dev persists in naming himself after Maryland, or why any of us, besides a lousy team with two empty slots, should fear them.
The Browless Wonders 4 (ft%/ast/stl/blk)
Fire Al Groh 4 (fg%/3pm/pts/reb)
Like Screen Team and Professor Dribbles in last week's match-up, these two cocksuckers found themselves a way to tie so that no one's feelings got hurt and the lovefest between them could continue. I was a party to one or two of their chats last week, but I can only imagine the sorts of private online chats that were going on between these two as their match-up progressed. Surely Bardey marveled at Chris Paul's 55 assists, while Shoaf was awed by the scoring prowess of Nate Robinson (116 points). With the rebound battle so close, I'm guessing that Will called off the dogs headed into the weekend so that Bardey and his tandem of Dwight Howard (54 boards) and Emeka Okafor (37 boards) would not have to face the indignity of losing that category--an unspeakable fate. Still, Bardey must have been crushed to suffer his first ever defeat in blocks, and I can only hope that Will was able to adequately console him via google video-chat.
Black Prezodents 7 (fg%/3pm/pts/reb/ast/stl/blk)
Black Ice 1 (ft%)
Whew! I needed that. Nothing particularly fantastic for the Prezbos this week, but nothing fantastic is called for when you're taking on the likes of Joakim Noah and Javale McGee.
Here are your Best and Worst for Week 18:
Field Goal Percentage: Professor Dribbles .514, Great Oden's Raven .444
Free Throw Percentage: Great Oden's Raven .877, Fire Al Groh .705
Three-Pointers Made: Dominique Moceanu 53, Snap Jelly Soldiers 15
Points: Professor Dribbles 703, Black Ice 370
Rebounds: Black Prezodents 250, Dominique Moceanu 134
Assists: Working's fo Suckers 171, Black Ice 82
Steals: Browless Wonders 42, Kill Whitey 20
Blocks: Snap Jelly Soldiers 31, Dominique Moceanu 10
Week 19's match-ups include...
Black Prezodents vs. Kill Whitey - RGR Match-Up
The Browless Wonders vs. Black Ice
Fear the Turtle vs. Fire Al Groh
Professor Dribbles vs. Dominique Moceanu
Snap Jelly Soldiers vs. Screen Team
Great Oden's Raven vs. Working's fo Suckers - RGR Match-Up
Good luck to all in Week 19 except for Dekker.
Because he's a faggot.
Whoops! Kind of forgot I had a blog here for a couple days. Here, belatedly, are your Week 18 write-ups.
Great Oden's Raven 6 (ft%/3pm/pts/ast/stl/blk)
Screen Team 2 (fg%/reb)
The injury bug bit Screen Team this week, meaning only partial weeks for two of Andres' most valuable contributors: Kevin Durant and Nene. As we saw in last week's Charts & Figgers, Durant is a big part of Screen Team's success in every single category, and though Jarrett Jack (8 3s, 98 pts, 20 ast, 5 st) stepped up in his absence, there still wasn't much the Screen Teamers could do in the face of Beb's traditionally dominant categories. As noted last week, the Ravens are perennial contenders in a handful of categories (3s, points, assists, steals) while rolling the dice on the others. I recommended a trade to sacrifice some of those cats, and Beb responded by giving up some of those 3s and points (Randy Foye) to pick up some boards (Andris Biedrins). It will be interesting to see how that shift in strategy plays out for G.O.R. as we near the end of the regular season.
Working's fo Suckers 6 (ft%/pts/reb/ast/stl/blk)
Kill Whitey 2 (fg%/3pm)
Hey, hey! Look who's involved in a fantasy basketball league! It's Jesse, who not only shook up his roster with the afore-mentioned Great Oden's Raven trade, but also handed Dekker a week 18 ass-whooping. Two of the factors that have dragged the Suckers down this season have been the inconsistent health of Deron Williams and Zach Randolph, but both were at full strength this week and it paid off. D-Will has his old running mate, Carlos Boozer, back, and the ol' Jazz pick-and-roll paid off to the tune of 54 assists. Randolph led the team in scoring (101) and boarding (44), as you might have expected him to at the beginning of the season--an expectation he has rarely met. Between Williams, Jason Kidd, and Leandro Barbosa running the point for an injured Steve Nash, this team has some serious dish power, and they led the league in assists this week with 171. A playoff berth seems unlikely at this point for Delconte, but if the team stays at full strength they might play the spoiler role for their next few opponents.
Professor Dribbles 6 (fg%/3pm/pts/reb/ast/stl)
Snap Jelly Soldiers 2 (ft%/blk)
Holy shit. Professor Dribbles achieved two Cluj milestones this week in an unlikely victory that had the whole league (OK, more like me, Will, and Bardey) aflame with excitement. The first was crossing the 700-points barrier. I'm not sure if this is the first time we've had someone go over 700, but at the very least it's exceedingly rare and impressive. Helping the Professor get there was the continued excellence of Kobe Bryant (136 pts) and the resurgence of his former teammate, Shaquille O'Neal (110 pts). The second notable achievement for Dribbles was handing Snap Jelly Soldiers only their second loss of the season, and their first since Week 4. Dribbs was solid across the board, leading the league in field goal percentage and points, and finishing second in assists. This was very nearly a 7-1 victory, as Snap Jelly (31 steals) was the only team in the league to top Dribbles in that category this week. This was the second straight underwhelming performance for the league leaders, but that blow is likely softened by the fact that even in losing 6-2, Steffens clinched a playoff position. That must be nice for him. Asshole.
Fear the Turtle 5 (fg%/pts/reb/ast/blk)
Dominique Moceanu 2 (ft%/3pm)
Poor Billy. After losing Amar'e Stoudemire to injury, and thus (controversially) negating our trade, his return to the West Coast apparently left him too tired, too late, too hungover, or too disinterested to adjust his line-up for Week 18, and he ended up leaving blanks at two positions. These gaping holes left him at or near the bottom of the league in most of the volume stats, but he still managed to lead the league in threes thanks to Ron Artest, Kevin Martin, and Peja Stojakovic. The Turtles were paced by Tony Parker who led the team in points (102) and assists (31), while new face-of-the-franchise Chris Wilcox was worst on the squad in threes (0), points (7), rebounds (7), assists (1), and both the percentages. With Wilcox turning out to be such a huge disappointment and Juan Dixon inexplicably not on the roster, it's unclear why Dev persists in naming himself after Maryland, or why any of us, besides a lousy team with two empty slots, should fear them.
The Browless Wonders 4 (ft%/ast/stl/blk)
Fire Al Groh 4 (fg%/3pm/pts/reb)
Like Screen Team and Professor Dribbles in last week's match-up, these two cocksuckers found themselves a way to tie so that no one's feelings got hurt and the lovefest between them could continue. I was a party to one or two of their chats last week, but I can only imagine the sorts of private online chats that were going on between these two as their match-up progressed. Surely Bardey marveled at Chris Paul's 55 assists, while Shoaf was awed by the scoring prowess of Nate Robinson (116 points). With the rebound battle so close, I'm guessing that Will called off the dogs headed into the weekend so that Bardey and his tandem of Dwight Howard (54 boards) and Emeka Okafor (37 boards) would not have to face the indignity of losing that category--an unspeakable fate. Still, Bardey must have been crushed to suffer his first ever defeat in blocks, and I can only hope that Will was able to adequately console him via google video-chat.
Black Prezodents 7 (fg%/3pm/pts/reb/ast/stl/blk)
Black Ice 1 (ft%)
Whew! I needed that. Nothing particularly fantastic for the Prezbos this week, but nothing fantastic is called for when you're taking on the likes of Joakim Noah and Javale McGee.
Here are your Best and Worst for Week 18:
Field Goal Percentage: Professor Dribbles .514, Great Oden's Raven .444
Free Throw Percentage: Great Oden's Raven .877, Fire Al Groh .705
Three-Pointers Made: Dominique Moceanu 53, Snap Jelly Soldiers 15
Points: Professor Dribbles 703, Black Ice 370
Rebounds: Black Prezodents 250, Dominique Moceanu 134
Assists: Working's fo Suckers 171, Black Ice 82
Steals: Browless Wonders 42, Kill Whitey 20
Blocks: Snap Jelly Soldiers 31, Dominique Moceanu 10
Week 19's match-ups include...
Black Prezodents vs. Kill Whitey - RGR Match-Up
The Browless Wonders vs. Black Ice
Fear the Turtle vs. Fire Al Groh
Professor Dribbles vs. Dominique Moceanu
Snap Jelly Soldiers vs. Screen Team
Great Oden's Raven vs. Working's fo Suckers - RGR Match-Up
Good luck to all in Week 19 except for Dekker.
Because he's a faggot.
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