Week 19 in Review: Game Re-Caps

In case you were only paying attention to your own game, you selfish prick.

The playoffs are drawing nigh, and with only one more playoff position up for grabs, the final week of the regular season promises to be hot and heavy as those on the bubble vie to get in, and those of us who've made it jockey for position. This comes after an exciting week in which four of the top five teams faced each other and the trade deadline brought about the relocation of one of the league's top draft picks. Holy fuck that's a lot of excitement. Let's review:



Noah's Ark 5 (3PM, PTS, AST, ST, BLK)
WWTMD 3 (FG%, FT%, REB)
The biggest news of the week was probably the trade between Will and Billy, sending Troy Murphy and Brandon Jennings to Power Bottom & Jelly and bringing Chris Paul and Mike Miller to WWTMD. With Paul injured and Miller, well... Miller, the trade paid no immediate dividends for Will, though he was able to wring a few final solid games out of his namesake and supposed "heart of the team" before he cast him aside. After seeing Will repeatedly call his players "pussies," cycling through roster spots like used kleenex, and finally trading away his mascot, I can't help but wonder if Will has spent so much time poring over box scores this season that he's lost any all sense of emotion as it relates to his team. I know we don't have Spirit, Loyalty, or Faith as competitive categories in this league, but without those things, isn't it all just one big math problem? Contrast Will's ownership with that of DeYoung, who's made a mere five moves all season long, sticking for the most part with the same guys through thick and thin. That consistency served him well in Week 19, where he toppled WWTMD thanks to excellent defensive efforts in Steals and Blocks, and a dominant week of Threes. With Channing Frye knocking down 10 bombs, Steph Curry hitting 13, and Jamal Crawford sinking a league-high 14, Noah's Ark not only had the highest 3PM total in recent memory, they out-shot their nearest competition (PB&J) by 15 treys (which is 33, 25, or 14%, depending on how you look at it). The Ark also, not surprisingly, had a strong scoring week, led primarily by Amare Stoudemire (109 pts), who also chipped in seven Blocks.

Bronxville BitchSmackers 5 (FG%, PTS, REB, AST, ST)
Power Bottom & Jelly 3 (FT%, 3PM, BLK)
As for Billy's end of the trade, it seems a potential case of too little, too late as PB & J now has no chance of making the playoffs. One of the teams they needed to get by was the BitchSmackers, and while Steffens' boys weren't terribly impressive in Week 19 (they were in the bottom half of the league in four categories), they had enough to cut Billy's playoff hopes from slim to none with a 5-3 victory. The Smackers seem to have been energized by Sunday's NBA Championship rematch, with their participants in that game leading their victory over the &J's. Kobe Bryant led all scorers in Week 19 with 123 points, and fellow Laker Ron Artest contributed with a team-leading 12 steals. Though Bryant and Artest must have been frustrated by their loss to the Magic, I'm sure a silent nod of encouragement passed between them and Vince Carter and Rashard Lewis, knowing that their combined 123 points and 18 threes were helping the fantasy cause.
Although Billy lost, he can take solace in seeing that his new acquisitions were obviously happy to free themselves from the yoke of Shoafian ownership, immediately notching Octuplets in their new home. With the help of Kevin Martin (12 threes, 99 points, .962 free-throw percentage), they will help PB&J try to salvage some dignity in the final week of the season.

Corn Rows n Tats 4 (FT%, REB, AST, BLK)
Cowboys 4 (FG%, 3PM, PTS, ST)
Although he won his game, that victory did not keep Steffens from fretting last week. Why? Because for the first time in nearly a month, Adam's Week 20 opponent, Dev, had suddenly come alive and begun making moves and setting his roster. What could have motivated this sudden interest? Was it a realization that the fantasy regular season was coming to a close? A fire ignited by an ages-old rivalry with Week 19 opponent Elliott? Nobody could be certain, that is until Sunday, when I got a text from Dev seeing if I wanted to grab some breakfast.
You see, Dev's girlfriend lives in Brooklyn, and he was visiting her this past weekend. Looking forward to the trip, it must have occurred to him that he might see me, and fearing the tongue-lashing he'd receive if met face-to-face, Batta finally set his line-up. Nevermind the fact that I don't live in Brooklyn anymore; since Dev doesn't read this blog, check in on the league, or respond to normal modes of human communication, he had no way of knowing that I had moved away over a month ago. Regardless of his motivations, the Cowboys showed flashes of a season that could have been by managing a tie, their first non-loss since Week 11. Really, this isn't saying much for the team, other than how bad Elliott is without Monta Ellis. The Corn Rows were among the bottom three in the league in Threes, Points, Assists, Steals and Blocks, and they even managed to win two of those. If either of these teams were to make the playoffs it would be a shame, but with Elliott taking on the powerhouse UCB this week, that seems highly unlikely.

Unfrozen Caveman Bogut 5 (FG%, FT%, PTS, REB, AST)
Teen Wolf 3 (3PM, ST, BLK)
Speaking of the Unfrozen Cavemen, they were busy holding off another of the playoff-bubble teams and trying to earn themselves a regular season championship. In his continuing effort to disprove stereotypes, Beb demonstrated this week that it is not just black guys that have Big Swinging Dicks. Aussie Andrew Bogut led the league in blocks (13), though that wasn't enough to win Beb the category, and fellow neanderthaler Luis Scola crashed the boards like no other (62). The Cavemen also shot better than any other Cluj squad this week, with six players over 50% field goal percentage, including an impressive .580 from Louis Williams and an astounding .759 from Anderson Varejao.
Teen Wolf was hurt by the absence of Al Jefferson, who was suspended by the T-Wolves after a DUI incident. For Dekker to lose one of his best players during the stretch run trying to sneak into the playoffs certainly must suck, but I would like to draw attention to Jefferson's comments about what happened: "I could have hurt myself. I could have hurt someone else. I'm so upset with myself. I'm sorry for the embarrassment I caused my family, my teammates, myself, my fans. I'm a good person. I just made a mistake. I promise it'll never happen again. "I didn't realize the danger that I put myself in, put other people -- innocent people -- in. I'm ready to put it behind me. I keep telling myself how stupid I was and I wish I could turn back the hands of time. But I can't. Like I said, it will never happen again. I don't care if I have to walk home. I would never get behind the wheel when I had something to drink again in my life." It's just amazing how much realer that sounds to me than any of the horrible, lame, prepared statements that we usually hear from athletes (Tiger, Gilbert) in these kinds of embarrassing situations. Jefferson sounds legitimately sorry there, and it's just not that hard to do so. But more often than not, the apologies offered by professional athletes sound similar to the ones I make my kids give each other after they've gotten in a fight: hollow and forced. If you can't sound better than a 13-year old, why bother?

Call em Bullets 5 (FG%, 3PM, PTS, REB, AST)
Black Prezodents 3 (FT%, ST, BLK)
This was quite a match-up. Early in the week, Bardey and I were first and second in four or five categories, and while that didn't hold up throughout, I would like to point out that Call em Bullets is the only team in the league that could have beat the Black Prez last week. By Saturday, however, it was pretty obvious that 5-3 was the best I was going to do, with a chance of losing free throws to go down 6-2. The strategic move there would have been to sit Chris Andersen (72% on the year) and LaMarcus Aldridge (75%) in Sunday's game and wrap up the category. Surely, that's what Shoaf would have done. But dammit, I have faith in my boys, and while the Birdman did shoot an atrocious 25% from the stripe that day, the rest of the boys did enough to make up for it and take the category. And nobody lost any face by riding the pine. That's how you manage a team!
For a slightly better look at how you manage a team, take a look at Doit's squad. Bardey squeezed many excellent performances out of his players this week, none moreso than Dwyane Wade, whose 100 points helped him achieve a rare win over the Prez in scoring, and whose 36 assists are probably even more impressive. Chris Kaman (51), Al Horford (42), and Josh Smith (41) crashed the boards, leading to a league-best total there. Call em Bullets even managed to be the only team in the league where every player on the team recorded a steal in Week 19, giving them the second-highest total in Cluj. Unfortunately for them, they came up against a squad of kleptomaniacs, as the BPs posted an amazing 71 steals, including 13 from Rudy Gay (the league high) and 11 from Russell Westbrook. In addition to their thievery, the Prezos led the league in Blocks for surely the first time this season. With the post-season approaching, it's clear that my squad has stepped up their defensive game. What is it they say about defense and championships?

Here are your Highs and Lows from Week 19:
Field Goal Percentage: .505, Unfrozen Caveman Bogut; .447, Power Bottom & Jelly
Free Throw Percentage: .833, WWTMD; .694, Cowboys
3-Pointers Made: 61, Noah's Ark; 18, Black Prezodents
Points: 810, Call em Bullets; 545, Corn Rows n Tats
Rebounds: 308, Call em Bullets; 162, Power Bottom & Jelly
Assists: 210, Call em Bullets; 89, Cowboys
Steals: 71, Black Prezodents; 38, Corn Rows n Tats
Blocks: 49, Black Prezodents; 17, Cowboys

Good luck to everyone in Week 20, especially my opponent, DeYoung. I'm pretty sure that if he beats me, it'll put him in third place and give me a first-round match-up with WWTDM, who at this point I consider a weaker opponent.