Week 14 in Review: Game Re-Caps

In case you were only paying attention to your own game, you selfish prick.

We're back in business, baby! The football season is just about over, I've completed my move from NYC to Richmond, and it's time to dive back into Cluj with reckless abandon. If the past few days are any indication, I'm going to have a lot of free time on my hands living down here, and that means extensive bloggetry. We kick it off with the first game re-caps of the year. Here is your Week 14 in Review:
WWTMD 4 (FT%, 3PM, AST, ST); Teen Wolf 4 (FG%, PTS, REB, BLK)
You would be hard-pressed to find a more diligent, devoted, and active fantasy owner than WWTMD's Will Shoaf. Daily adds and drops; frequent Rotowire searches on both his and his opponent's players' status; a near-encyclopedic study of the fluctuations in play time among even the most obscure fantasy prospects: these are the hallmarks of Shoaf ownership, and they've allowed him to maintain a record above .500 and a hold on fourth place despite a multitude of injuries. So it must be frustrating when he plays a guy who can't even be bothered to set his line-up every night and still comes away with a 4-4 tie. Dekker need not feel bad, though: had he actually started the three guys he left on the bench Tuesday night, it wouldn't have won him any additional categories, it just would have extended his lead in the ones he won anyway. In fact, Dekker might have won those 4 cats even if he'd only had one player: Dwight Howard. D-Ho was huge in each of Ben's victorious categories, accounting for 93 points (16% of team total), 59 boards (23% of team total), and 18 blocks (39% of team total). Howard also shot an outstanding .608 from the field, and those rebound and block totals were tops in the league. In other words, it's good to have Dwight, especially when the rest of your team eats shit. Keeping WWTMD in the hunt was Chauncey Billups, who led his team in threes (7), points (92), assists (33), and steals (8). Danny Granger, shouldn't you be leading in one or two of those categories? Actual quote from Granger this week: "This season is very frustrating; it sucks actually." It sucks! No word on whether Granger's poor play is due to the fact that Jim O'Brien "totally hates me" or what the fallout will be from his declaration that Pacers President Larry Bird is "not my Dad" and "can't tell me what to do."

Unfrozen Caveman Bogut 6 (FG%, FT%, PTS, AST, ST, BLK); Call em Bullets 1 (REB)
This had the makings of a marquee match-up, with the top-ranked team (Bardey) taking on his nearest competitor (Beb). Coming into this game, UCB probably hoped to close a little ground in the rankings, but I doubt they anticipated the ass-whupping they would go on to issue, bringing them within three games of first place. Bernier's ability to dominate this contest is probably most attributable to the absence of Doit's star forward, Carmelo Anthony, who is dealing with a sprained left ankle. Does that sound like kind of a pussy reason to miss a week plus of games? Yeah, kind of. Did I fail to finish at least two high school cross country races due to the related, but less serious, "rolled" ankle? Yes. So maybe I should lay off. Regardless of the relative pussitude of Anthony and myself, his absence made things hard on C'eB, even though they still featured the week's high scorer in Dwyane Wade (110 pts). In fact, Doit's squad was only able to break the top three in one category this week (rebounds), finding themselves dead last in field goal percentage and points, despite Mr. Wade's best efforts. The Unfrozen Cavemen were, of course, led by LeBron James, whose 8 threes, 98 points, and 39 assists were tops on the team; but the contributions of David Lee should not be ignored. Lee nearly matched LeBron in points (97) and pulled in a team- and game-high 48 rebounds. There were some suggestions that Lee was snubbed as an All-Star selection, and to me that was a misguided notion, but at least for this week he certainly made a case. Jason Kidd also made some nice across-the-board contributions, but managed to continue his streak of never getting fouled. This dude has taken 36 foul shots all year. Considering that he's the point guard, that has got to be an amazing ratio of minutes-with-the-ball to fouls taken. If I were a big-time sports blogger, I'd ask the guys at basketball-reference.com to calculate that for me. I wonder if they'll do it for just some random fantasy owner.

Noah's Ark 6 (FG%, FT%, 3PM, AST, ST, BLK); Cowboys 2 (PTS, REB)
To write these re-caps, I have to spend a lot of time staring at the match-up pages. And that means I have to spend a lot of time being stared at by avatar Dev. God I hate avatar Dev. First of all: Dev was able to grow a beard in the seventh grade. He's been going bald since our third year of college. He looks nothing like the little boy pictured on the Cowboys team page. Second: what am I to make of the changing expressions? First little-boy Dev is angry, grimacing at me, then... everything's okay! with that dimple suggesting the hint of a smile. Then, just as quickly, he's angry again! I haven't felt this sort of emotional inconsistency since my relationship with my family my entire life. But if I can tear myself away from boy-Dev's gaze for a minute to focus on the basketball, I find myself surprised that he got beaten this way. After all, he actually managed to set his line-up every day this week, and his opponent was without one of his best players (Brandon Roy). But just as the Blazers overcame their Roy-lessness with the help of Andre Miller's 52-point performance the other night, Noah's Ark scored a win thanks to the ruthlessly awesome Gerald Wallace. Crash not only notched a pair of Octuplets, but he averaged one over the whole week. He was helped to victory by Brook Lopez (10 blocks), Channing Frye (10 threes), and Stephen Curry, who led the team in assists (28) and steals (10). That's the type of player you don't let slip away.

Power Bottom & Jelly 7 (FG%, FT%, 3PM, PTS, AST, ST, BLK); Corn Rows n Tats 1 (REB)
Billy got some bad news this week, as it was revealed that Chris Paul will likely need surgery to repair his knee. But I'd be kind of surprised if Billy even noticed, so busy was he cycling players in and out of his line-up. Power Bottom & Jelly featured an astounding 20 players in Week 14, and all 20 of them contributed at least a little something to this rousing victory as Billy attempts to close in on a playoff spot. The only problem is, by the time Billy makes the playoffs, he's likely to have run out of moves (we have a season cap of 70) and will be unable to scramble the way he has been lately. He may not have to, though, if Steve Nash continues to play as well as he did this week. Nash led his team with 12 threes, led the league with 51 assists, and shot perfectly from the free throw line. Also helping PB & J fill in that guard hole will be Kevin Martin, who finally seems to have found his game after floundering in his early games back from injury.
As for the Corn Rows, their sole victory in this one came in the rebounds category, but they can at least proudly say that they were tops in the league in boards this week. Zach Randolph (57), Pau Gasol (44), Frankenberry (40), and Jermaine O'Neal (37) all had their squeegees out in Week 14, wiping the glass to the tune of 301 rebounds.

Black Prezodents 6 (FG%, PTS, REB, AST, ST, BLK); Bronxville BitchSmackers 2 (FT%, 3PM)
I never really examined Steffens' line-up before our match-up this week, but the truth is he's got a pretty awesome fantasy basketball team... for 2002. Seriously: Vince Carter, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Garnett, Kenyon Martin, Rasheed Wallace, and Tim Duncan. All these guys are pretty decent still, but they're all on the wrong side of (at least) their fantasy careers. And Vince Carter, if this week is any indication, is waayyy on the wrong side of his career. 14 points, 10 boards, 3 assists, and a three in 3 games? That's not Vinsanity, that's Vincompetence. The BPs, on the other hand, keep their focus young, and it's paying dividends. Russell Westbrook, age 21? Led the team in assists (23). Kevin Durant, age 21? Led the team in points (103). Marc Gasol, age 24? Led the team in blocks (7) and steals(!) (10). And then there are the steady veterans guiding them, personified by Team Captain Stephen Jackson, who continues to be awesome across the board since his trade to the BobCats. Why, already tonight (Monday night) he's got an Octuplet already with 5 minutes left in the third quarter. We may be just a shade above .500, and I may have just notched my first win with more than 4 categories in two months, but I love my boys. And this week, I can be proud of them, too.

Here are your Best and Worst from Week 14:
Field Goal Percentage: .492, Unfrozen Caveman Bogut; .421, Call em Bullets
Free Throw Percentage: .841, Bronxville BitchSmackers; .689, Teen Wolf
3-Pointers Made: 47, Noah's Ark; 25, Teen Wolf
Points: 797, Black Prezodents; 538, Call em Bullets
Rebounds: 301, Corn Rows n Tats; 220, Noah's Ark
Assists: 183, Unfrozen Caveman Bogut; 106, Cowboys
Steals: 62, Black Prezodents; 34, Corn Rows n Tats
Blocks: 46, Teen Wolf ; 16, Bronxville BitchSmackers

Good luck to everyone in Week 15, except for all the people above me in the standings. And my opponent. So good luck to a few of you.