Saturday Lunch Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.


Hot Shit: Jason Kidd, Unfrozen Caveman Bogut
.389 - .500 - 4 - 19 - 16 - 17 - 2 - 0
Kidd has been insanely good the past month, and this tops it off. Of course it was against me.


Loose Stool: Peja Stojakovic, Corn Rows n Tats

.286 - NA - 0 - 4 - 0 - 0 - 2 - 0

Shart: Josh Smith, Call em Bullets
.533 - .667 - 0 - 18 - 11 - 8 - 7 - 1
I also considered giving this to Mo Williams for his incredible 11 threes in two consecutive nights, but the near quadruple-double won me over.


Upper Decker: Javale McGee, Black Prezodents
.583 - .667 - 0 - 18 - 10 - 2 - 0 - 5
Picked up Javale and Birdman for their blocks, and proceeded to leave 8 blocks on the bench with them last night. Nice management, Viche.


Dev Batta Memorial Piece of Shit Award: Hedo Turkoglu, Cowboys
.500 - NA - 2 - 18 - 4 - 2 - 2 - 0

Friday Noonish Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: Stephen Curry, Noah's Ark
.579 - 1.000 - 2 - 30 - 7 - 13 - 2 - 1

Loose Stool: Shaquille O'Neal, Power Bottom & Jelly
.375 - NA - 0 - 6 - 2 - 0 - 0 - 0

Shart:
No one surprised me last night. Nice consistency, NBA players.

Dev Batta Memorial Piece of Shit Award: Ray Allen, Cowboys
.538 - 1.000 - 4 - 21 - 2 - 1 - 1 - 0

A Dose of Reality

I just read a few things about actual, reality basketball that I found very interesting, and I thought I'd share them with you. First there is Simmons' latest column, about the circumstances that have led to the very likely upcoming NBA strike/lockout. You've probably already read it, but did you read it on your Kindle? No, because you're not a badass like me. Anyway, I liked it because despite writing from "the fan's perspective" (which hasn't really been true for a long time), Simmons rarely gets this righteously angry at the sports figures he writes about, even though he (and we) have every right to.

The second thing I read, which is actually far more useful if not as emotionally appealing, is from Blazer's Edge. It's an assessment of each team's cap situation going into this mammoth SUMMER OF 2010 that we've all been hearing about for seemingly five years now. You can read it yourself, but because writing it out myself helps me understand things, and because I want to have a more roster-centric look at the situation, I'm going to summarize it in my own way after the jump.

Thursday Afternoon Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: Dwight Howard, Teen Wolf
1.000 - .667 - 0 - 30 - 16 - 3 - 0 - 1
I wonder if anyone has ever scored more points with a perfect FGP.

Loose Stool: Marvin Williams, Noah's Ark
.000 - .800 - 0 - 4 - 1 - 0 - 0 - 0

Shart: Luol Deng, Teen Wolf
.526 - .909 - 1 - 31 - 9 - 3 - 0 - 4

Upper Decker: Brendan Haywood, Teen Wolf
.667 - .750 - 0 - 11 - 9 - 2 - 1 - 5
Teen Wolf dominating the Dump today.

Dev Batta Memorial Piece of Shit Award: Derrick Rose, Bronxville BitchSmackers
.526 - .750 - 0 - 23 - 9 - 8 - 1 - 1
Pretty psyched that in its first appearance, Dev can't even manage to win his own award. Not psyched if this is a sign of things to come from Steffens, though.

Wednesday Morning Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: Kobe Bryant, Bronxville BitchSmackers
.684 - 1.000 - 3 - 32 - 7 - 6 - 3 - 2
3 more boards and this is a Super-Duper Octo. Nice night, Kobe.

Loose Stool: Robin Lopez, Bronxville BitchSmackers
.000 - 1.000 - 0 - 2 - 2 - 0 - 0 - 0
Funny, until I saw this line, I was giving it to Channing Frye. Way to go, Suns big men! Maybe Lou Amundson had a big night?

Shart: Louis Williams, Unfrozen Caveman Bogut
.571 - 1.000 - 5 - 26 - 10 - 7 - 1 - 0

Week 17 in Review: Game Re-Caps

Last week we saw the faces of many NBA franchises made over by a bevy of trades, which in turn changed the complexion of many Cluj rosters and sent active owners scampering for newly valuable talent. I just had the chance to watch two of those teams, the Bulls (now without John Salmons and Tyrus Thomas) and the Wizards (who lost just about every player you could have previously named on the Wizards). Amazingly, the losses of Antawn Jamison, Caron Butler, Brendan Haywood and DeShawn Stevenson, as well as the suspensions of Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton, seem to have energized a team that, on paper, has probably the worst roster in the NBA at this point. After beating the Bulls tonight, the Wiz kids have won three of four since the All-Star break. And while I harbor no illusions about Washington actually becoming a contender or anything this season, there is at least reason to believe that watching the team during the remainder of the year may be fun again. Will the impending Cluj trade deadline (March 4th) re-energize any of our teams in a similar way? I hope to start finding out soon. While I wait, though, I'll entertain myself by examing last week's games in thorough detail. Here's Week 17:

Monday Morning Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: Stephen Curry, Noah's Ark
.722 - 1.000 - 1 - 32 - 9 - 3 - 1 - 0
There are other guys you could make a case for, but the percentages here swayed me.

Loose Stool: Spencer Hawes, Power Bottom & Jelly
1.000 - .500 - 0 - 7 - 1 - 0 - 0 - 0
Then again, not all percentages are created equal. 1.000 on three shots is still just six points.

Shart: Russell Westbrook, Black Prezodents
.474 - 1.000 - 0 - 22 - 10 - 14 - 2 - 0

Upper Decker: Ray Allen, Cowboys
.643 - 1.000 - 2 - 25 - 5 - 4 - 0 - 1

Friday Morning Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: LeBron James, Unfrozen Caveman Bogut
.455 - .706 - 1 - 43 - 13 - 15 - 2 - 4
That is just an insane line. I can't really think of a better one.

Loose Stool: Rasheed Wallace, Power Bottom & Jelly
.182 - .000 - 0 - 4 - 3 - 0 - 0 - 2

Shart: Kenyon Martin, Bronxville BitchSmackers
.444 - 1.000 - 0 - 18 - 17 - 1 - 2 - 1

Upper Decker: Ray Allen, Cowboys
.667 - .000 - 4 - 24 - 2 - 2 - 0 - 0

Thursday Morning Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: Jason Kidd, Unfrozen Caveman Bogut
.545 - 1.000 - 4 - 18 - 7 - 10 - 7 - 0

Dwight Howard, Teen Wolf
.688 - .846 - 0 - 33 - 17 - 3 - 0 - 7
These lines were both so good, I didn't feel the need to choose between them. Both deserve recognition.

Loose Stool: Kevin Martin, Power Bottom & Jelly
.444 - .400 - 0 - 10 - 2 - 0 - 0 - 0
Maybe not a good idea to tell a guy at halftime that he's been traded.

Shart: Anthony Morrow, Call em Bullets
.450 - 1.000 - 4 - 25 - 5 - 5 - 1 - 1

Upper Decker: Paul Millsap, Cowboys
.846 - .667 - 0 - 24 - 8 - 2 - 3 - 3

Wednesday Morning Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: Kevin Durant, Black Prezodents
.321 - .625 - 2 - 25 - 14 - 2 - 0 - 3

Loose Stool: Ben Gordon, Power Bottom & Jelly
.364 - .000 - 0 - 8 - 1 - 2 - 1 - 0

Shart: Jason Richardson, Teen Wolf
.706 - .500 - 2  - 27 - 6 - 1 - 2 - 2

Upper Decker: Paul Millsap, Cowboys
.727 - .667 - 0 - 20 - 12 - 0 - 2 - 2

Week 16 in Review: Game Re-Caps

In case you were only paying attention to your own game, you selfish prick.

The seemingly interminable All-Star break is over tonight, and I'm enjoying what should be a defense-less match between the Suns and Grizzlies on NBATV. I was also looking forward to a battle of large shagginess with Robin "Sideshow Bob" Lopez taking on Marc "the Grizzliest Grizzly" Gasol, but the mighty Spaniard is rocking a pretty clean look these days. It's unfortunate.
Anyways, as I bask in the onset of the race to the playoffs, I thought I'd take an abbreviated look back at last week's results, based though they were on essentially three nights of basketball. Here is Cluj Week 16:

Charts & Figgers

High-level statistical analysis from a man who hasn't taken a math class since high school.

This weekend was, of course, NBA All-Star Weekend, which is in many ways the highlight of the NBA regular season (or, as Simmons calls it, the Black SuperBowl). With this in mind, I've crafted a pretty monumental Charts & Figgers, focusing on Octuplets. I've even managed, for possibly the first time in the history of Charts & Figgers, to produce a few actual Charts.* First, though, a few thoughts on All-Star Saturday:

*Moving out of New York has been a little depressing for me, but in a way I'm happy that I was nowhere near Bardey when the Texas Shooting Stars team defeated Thunder Dan's 37-second record, especially considering that Kenny Smith was shooting jump shots from mid-court.

*I am not much of a Paul Pierce fan, but it made me happy (and made me respect him a bit more) to see how legitimately happy a guy who's been an All-Star many times and won a championship was to have won the 3-point shooting contest. It was a nice departure from last year when a near-catatonic Derrick Rose won the Skills contest.

*The dunk contest, after a few solid years, went back to being incredibly lame. I was especially disappointed in Gerald Wallace, who looked like he had put about 30 seconds of thought into his dunks. That said, I still love him, especially after noticing for the first time how much he looks like Sho Nuff.

*Comment of the night? When Kenny Smith tried to quote the Waltons by saying "G'night, John-Paul" and Kenny Albert called him out on it.

OK, onto the Octos:

Week 15 in Review: Game Re-Caps

In case you were only paying attention to your own game, you selfish prick.

Journal Entry: February 10, 2010; Day 112 of the Great Virginia Snow-In
Had the same dream last night. The one where I step out the front door and there it is, all around me: the ground. Grass. Pavement. Dirt. It's everywhere, starting at my feet and spreading outward, seemingly into infinity. I turn my gaze up to the sky, and in place of the bullet-gray expanse I know there is a deep sea of blue, illuminated by a glowing yellow orb. My god, I think, it's beautiful. I had forgotten how beautiful...

And then I awake to another day of the White Menace. When will this accursed winter end? When will the Big Yeti Upstairs lift his awful spell? Supplies are low. We are down to our last fifty frozen meatballs, and the scrapings of the WisPride jar are barely enough to cover a single Triscuit. When the actual physical nutrition has run out, at least I'll be able to nourish my soul, as ever, with fantasty basketball statistics. Here, your Week 15 Game-Caps:

Wednesday Morning Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.

I just took my actual morning dump, and it was a serious growler. I guess that's what meatballs, a bottle of wine, and toenail popcorn will do to you. By the way, if you get a chance to get yourself some of these meatballs from Costco or wherever my mom gets them, do yourself a favor and give them a try. Delicious. Kinda spicy, like sausage, but healthy-ish (chicken!).

Hot Shit: Carlos Boozer, Corn Rows n Tats
.765 - .889 - 0 - 34 - 14 - 4 - 4 - 0

Loose Stool: Charlie Villanueva, Power Bottom & Jelly
.000 - NA - 0 - 0 - 4 - 0 - 0 - 0

Shart: Luol Deng, Teen Wolf
.500 - .714 - 0 - 23 - 11 - 2 - 3 - 2

Upper Decker: Chris Andersen, Black Prezodents
.667 - .857 - 0 - 14 - 10 - 1 - 2 - 1

Tuesday Morning Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.

After a weekend snowed in in DC, I'm back to Richmond and back on the job. There weren't many games on Monday night, but that just makes the competition for Dump awards that much more intense.

Hot Shit: Pau Gasol, Corn Rows n Tats
.400 - 1.000 - 0 - 21 - 19 - 8 - 1 - 5
Even from my opponent, I can't help but be in awe of that line. You really couldn't ask for any more from a big man.

Loose Stool: Young Spurs
George Hill, Call em Bullets
.250 - 1.000 - 0 - 5 - 3 - 1 - 0 - 0
DeJuan Blair, Black Prezodents
.455 - 1.000 - 0 - 11 - 2 - 0 - 0 - 1
This may have been a serious free agent blunder. Boris Diaw, this song's for you:


Shart: Vince Carter, Bronxville BitchSmackers
.704 - 1.000 - 6 - 48 - 7 - 2 - 0 - 0

Thursday Noonish Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: Dwyane Wade
.688 - .750 - 2 - 30 - 5 - 13 - 1 - 2

Loose Stool: Stephen Curry, Noah's Ark
.167 - 1.000 - 0 - 6 - 0 - 3 - 0 - 0

Shart: Tyreke Evans, Unfrozen Caveman Bogut
.611 - .778 - 3 - 32 - 7 - 8 - 2 - 1

Upper Decker: Paul Millsap, Cowboys
.500 - 1.000 - 0 - 12 - 9 - 5 - 0 - 2
(Mehmet Okur of Noah's Ark was a very close second.)

It was a pretty awesome night for the league in general. Tons of guys going, and seems like every team I looked at had a Hot Shit candidate. There were like a million double-doubles, a few near triple-doubles, and five octuplets (Dwade, 'Reke, Manu Ginobili, Marcus Thornton, and Jason Richardson). Basically, the only person in the whole league that sucked was Steph Curry. Redemption, thy name be Bardois.

Charts & Figgers

High-level statistical analysis from a man who hasn't done math since high school.

Last season, I wrote a Charts & Figgers in which I analyzed each team's MVP by assessing what percentage of the team's total output in each category was produced by each player. It was an interesting exercise, but it was particularly suited to those all-around players that contribute in every category. Those are the type of guys I love, but it doesn't mean there's no place in the Cluj for the freaks who dominate just one category. In thinking about these guys, I wondered to myself: who are the guys who are most capable of swinging a single category all by themselves? Who are the Big Swinging Dicks of Cluj '09-'10? And who is the biggest swinging dick of all? To find out, I did some math.

Wednesday Noonish Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.

I had hoped Will would take care of today's Dump, since I think he's home sick from work, but I guess the sneezies and snifflies were just too much for his poor wittle head to wap itself around some basketball box scores. So (slightly late) here's mine...

Hot Shit: Chris Bosh, Cowboys
.591 - .750 - 0 - 35 - 15 - 3 - 1 - 2

Loose Stool: Mike Conley, Noah's Ark
.167 - .500 - 0 - 3 - 2 - 0 - 1 - 0
Yes, Charlie V had a worse night, but he only played 8 minutes or something. Conley had plenty of time to work with and did nothing with it.

Shart: Aaron Brooks, Cowboys
.500 - .500 - 2 - 24 - 8 - 6 - 0 - 0
This isn't really a surprise; Brooks has been pretty awesome all year. But there weren't a lot of truly "surprising" Shart candidates last night.

Also, for anyone who (like me) thought that Steffens just set his line-ups and otherwise didn't really participate in the league (blog, message boards, etc), here's the e-mail I got from him today:
"I'll have you know that Carter missed an Octy by one free throw a day after you called him out."

True, Steffens. Very true. I hope that makes up in your eyes for the many weeks worth of shitty performances by him.

Tuesday Morning Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: Deron Williams, Corn Rows n Tats
.467 - 1.000 - 1 - 18 - 7 - 15 - 2 - 0

Loose Stool: Jason Thompson, Unfrozen Caveman Bogut
.400 - NA - 0 - 4 - 4 - 1 - 0 - 1
Randy Foye, WWTMD
.000 - 1.000 - 0 - 2 - 0 - 4 - 0 - 0


Shart: Kenyon Martin, Bronxville BitchSmackers
.667 - .500 - 0 - 24 - 12 - 3 - 1 - 2

Upper Decker: Paul Millsap, Cowboys
.625 - .833 - 0 - 25 - 9 - 1 - 1 - 4

Week 14 in Review: Game Re-Caps

In case you were only paying attention to your own game, you selfish prick.

We're back in business, baby! The football season is just about over, I've completed my move from NYC to Richmond, and it's time to dive back into Cluj with reckless abandon. If the past few days are any indication, I'm going to have a lot of free time on my hands living down here, and that means extensive bloggetry. We kick it off with the first game re-caps of the year. Here is your Week 14 in Review:

Monday Afternoon Dump

This is a very late dump, but this is my first full week in Richmond and I am trying to establish some new habits while I'm down here (exercise, less booze, a job), among which is contributing something to this blog on as close to a daily basis as possible. So for today I'm taking a Dump, and tonight will probably get started on a Week in Review. Enjoy.

Hot Shit: LeBron James, Unfrozen Caveman Bogut
.500 - .875 - 5 - 32 - 3 - 11 - 1 - 0

Loose Stool: Vince Carter, Bronxville BitchSmackers
.125 - NA - 0 - 2 - 3 - 1 - 1 - 0

Shart: Trevor Ariza, Corn Rows n Tats
.333 - .500 - 4 - 21 - 7 - 4 - 2 - 1

Upper Decker: Yi Jianlian, Bronxville BitchSmackers
.467 - NA - 1 - 15 - 12 - 2 - 3 - 1