RIP, Brad Wesley

The world lost a wonderful villain yesterday when Brad Wesley passed away.  Dalton, a recent nemesis of Mr. Wesley, mourned his death despite Mr. Wesley being responsible for the death of Dalton's famous bouncer mentor, Wade Garrett.  Rest in Peace, Mr. Wesley.

Tuesday Noon Dump

A quick look at last night's highs and lows.  I think the categories are self explanatory, but I've provided definitions for dumb people...
(FG - FT - 3pt - reb - ast - st - blk - pts)

Hot Shit --best line of the night

Kevin Love, Dripping Man Klove
8/15 - 4/5 - 4 -15 - 1 - 3 - 2 - 24 


Loose Stool--worse line of the night
Ed Davis, Big Guy Big Guy
1/5 - 0/0 - 0 - 1 - 1 - 0 - 0 - 2 


Shart--surprising line of the night
Jarrett Jack, Barbara Streisand
11/17 - 4/4 - 1 - 5 - 11 - 1 - 2 - 27 

Upper Decker--best bench line of the night
Ben Gordon, Hip to be Clip
8/15 - 8/9 - 2 - 3 - 6 - 0 - 0 - 26 


You disagree?  Tell it in the comments, bitches.
A special thanks to Dois for being in charge of research.  

Missing: Sovic Tarasovic

Have you seen this man?  Known for his frequent posting of witty and acerbic comments on the Cluj University Faculty of Letters blog, this man was last seen posting in March of 2011.  If found, please give a swift kick in the nuts and put a laptop in front of him.

His Cluj family misses him so much...

So, Yeah...

...I suck at posting on the blog. But still, you should see this, from this week's semi-final playoff match-up.

Big Guy Big Guy's Wesley Matthews takes it to the hoop against the Black Prezodents' Javale McGee:


Oh, snap.

Hopefully a harbinger of things to come for this match-up.

Saturday Morning Dump

A quick look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit
Deron Williams, I'm Optimus Prime
8/19 - 0/0 - 3 - 8 - 14 - 1 - 1 - 19

Loose Stool
Richard Jefferson, Hip to be Clip
1/8 - 0/0 - .000 - 1 - 4 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 3

Shart
JJ Hickson, Uno Dos 3
12/19 - 3/3 - 0 - 14 - 1 - 0 - 4 - 27
This is JJ's second Saturday Shart in a row, so either he's really good on Friday nights, or I should take him out of this category and start considering him for Hot Shits.

Upper Decker
Chris Bosh, Old Man Whiteford
4/10 - 9/10 - 0 - 10 - 1 - 2 - 0 - 17
Not only was this performance left on the bench, it was left in the IR spot. ILLEGAL! Get your roster fixed, Whiteford/Forshay.

Fuck Me...

This is the Browless Wonders.  I'd like to start a new weekly column called "fuck me" in which I go over the players which I've idiotically dropped at some point that are now being used to fuck me in my current match up.  This week, I face Old Man Whiteford, and two of my old friends: Jose Calderon and Andris Biedrins.
I drafted both of these players.  In Jose's case, I held on to him while he struggled through beginning of the season.  Finally fed up with his ineptitude (exacerbated by his timeshare with Jarrett Jack), I dropped him...just before Jack was traded to New Orleans.  Old Man Whiteford (really, Forshay), scooped him up opportunistically.  Last game, he had 19 assists.  Fuck me.
Andris actually pisses me off a bit more.  After a sluggish but promising start, Andris was ready to break out.  However, he got hurt...again (he missed most of last season with injury).  I retardedly held onto him for 3 weeks while he was hurt.  He came back...and sucked balls.  I tried to keep him on my team, but with other injuries, he had to go to free up roster space.  Recently, he started to get hot again in the categories in which he excels:  rebounds, blocks, fg% and steals.  Once again, Old Man Whiteford opportunistically picked him up.  On Jan 30th, he had 11 pts (on 5-7 fg), 10 rebs, 3 blocks and a steal.  Fuck me.

Will

Saturday Brunch Dump

A quick look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit
Rudy Gay, Black Prezodents
8/20 - 9/11 - 1 - 11 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 26
Lots of worthy contenders here, but ultimately I went with my own guy. I leave it to you and your Comments to decide whether that's a legitimate judgement or self-centered bias. Other considerations included Elton Brand, Dwyane Wade, and, of course, Amir Johnson.

Loose Stool
Javale McGee, Black Prezodents
1/5 - 0/0 - 0 - 1 - 0 - 0 - 1 - 2

Shart
JJ Hickson, Uno Dos 3
11/21 - 9/10 - 0 - 15 - 2 - 0 - 1 - 31
This is the traditional Shart in the sense of a less-heralded guy posting a big line. It's probably NOT a good thing for the Cavs that JJ Hickson is getting 21 shots, but 31 and 15 is 31 and 15.

Andre Iguodala, Barbra Streisand
5/11 - 7/8 - 1 - 4 - 16 - 1 - 2 - 18
And this is a more untraditional Shart in that we're very used to seeing great lines from Iggy, but I was still pretty shocked to see 16 assists there. I read somewhere recently that Larry Brown Mo Cheeks Eddie Jordan Doug Collins planned on using him more as a point forward, so maybe numbers like this will become the norm. For now, I'm impressed.


Upper Decker
Deron Williams, I'm Optimus Prime
9/23 - 6/6 - 2 - 2 - 12 - 0 - 0 - 26
Can't blame Beb here, as Williams has missed the past several games and I think was a somewhat surprising start in this one, but still hurts to leave those stats on the bench.

Snow Day Morning Dump

A quick look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit
Kevin Durant, Uno Dos 3
15/28 - 13/14 - 4 - 18 - 2 - 2 - 2 - 47
Haven't finished checking the annals yet, but this may be our first SUPER DUPER OCTUPLET of the year.

Loose Stool
Roy Hibbert, Big Guy Big Guy
2/6 - 0/2 - 0 - 2 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 4

Upper Decker
Jrue Holiday, Barbra Streisand
6/16 - 3/4 - 0 - 5 - 11 - 1 - 2 - 15

Shart
Kyle Lowry, Hip To Be Clip
7/13 - 4/5 - 2 - 6 - 8 - 0 - 1 - 20

12 NBA Players Who Would Make Good Names For My Half-Black Son

Tweety Carter Tarasovic

Zabian Dowdell Tarasovic

Yakhouba Diawara Tarasovic

Alonzo Gee Tarasovic

Luther Head Tarasovic

Othyus Jeffers Tarasovic

Mickell Gladness Tarasovic

Lazar Hayward Tarasovic

Magnum Rolle Tarasovic

Latavious Williams Tarasovic

Longar Longar Tarasovic

Dexter Pittman Tarasovic

A few notes:
*I really wish my middle name was "Gladness"
*Luther Head would also make a great porn name
*Longar Longar is from Wow, Sudan
*If you see the name Magnum Rolle (my personal favorite) and think to yourself "Damn, there's a lot of professional athletes named Rolle," check out this old SI story.
*No matter which name wins out, we all know who the mother's going to be:

Keshia Knight Pulliam, fka Ms. Rudy Huxtable

The Octuplet Register

As you'll notice if you look to the right, there are some new/updated features on the blog. After the smashing success of the Classic Soul Jam of the Week over on the Lassard blog, I've added a Classic Hip Hop Jam of the Week to the Faculty of Letters. Enjoy some early 90's rap with your fantasy basketball reading.
Below the Jam of the Week you'll find that I've begun the Octuplet Register for this season. I'm going back through the scoreboards to get them from the full season, but it takes a while so I'll be going month by month. Today's update includes October and November, and in case you don't feel like reading through a hundred individual box scores, here is some summary:

Team Octuplet Rankings (as of November 30th):
1) Barbara Streisand - 16
2) Hip To Be Clip - 15
3-t) Lamar Odom's Titter Feed - 12
Black Prezodents - 12
5) Big Guy Big Guy - 11
6-t) Uno Dos 3 - 9
Browless Wonders - 9
8) I'm Optimus Prime - 7
9-t) Bronxville BitchSmackers - 6
Mrs. Windhorst - 6
11) Ready for the World - 4
12) Old Man Whiteford - 1

Individual Octuplet Leaders:
1) Danny Granger, Hip To Be Clip - 7
2) Manu Ginobili, Barbra Streisand - 6
3) OJ Mayo, Lamar Odom's Titter Feed - 5
4-t) Josh Smith, Barbra Streisand - 4
Raymond Felton, Big Guy Big Guy - 4
Luol Deng, Hip To Be Clip - 4

*Interestingly, last year's Octuplet leaders Kevin Durant and LeBron James are nowhere to be found on the leaderboard. James had two in the first month, and Durant had only one. Could this be the year that Danny Granger stays healthy and claims the crown?

*Felton and Mayo like their octuplets in bunches, with Felton registering four in a five-game stretch between November 16th and 23rd, and Mayo accomplishing the same feat between October 29th and November 5th.

*My favorite Octo of the month? Well, there were no Super Duper Octuplets (a double-double, at least two in each of the other volume cats, and .400/.800 percentage minimums), but Felton's line on November 19th comes close: 35 points on 13-of-17 shooting, 5 of 6 from the stripe, 11 assists, 5 boards, 4 steals and a block. One more block and that's a Super-Duper. We'll ignore the fact that it came in a Knicks-Warriors game, where probably any player with more than 30 minutes in the game is a solid octuplet candidate.

*The least impressive? Probably Ben Gordon's performance from November 9th, when he scored a mere eight points with one three, two boards, one assist, two steals, and one block. Really close to the absolute bare minimum of an octuplet there, Ben. I do appreciate the palindromic quality of the line though with that 1-2-1-2-1 in there. Sounds like a killer indoor soccer formation, too.

Saturday Brunch Dump

For those of you new to the league and blog, the Morning Dump is a quick look at the previous night's highs and lows. The Hot Shit goes to the night's best performance. Loose Stool is awarded to the  most disappointing player. A quality outing that has been left on the bench is known as an Upper Decker. And a Shart is assigned to the most suprising line of the evening. There are a few other gradations of poopery, but we'll keep it simple for now.

Hot Shit
Tim Duncan, Uno Dos 3
8/15 - 5/6 - 0 - 16 - 8 - 0 - 5 - 21

Loose Stool
Marc Gasol, Lamar Odom's Titter Feed
2/4 - 0/0 - 0 - 1 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 4

Shart
Arron Afflalo, Uno Dos 3
8/11 - 1/2 - 5 - 4 - 4 - 1 - 0 - 22

Upper Decker
DeJuan Blair, I'm Optimus Prime
8/12 - 2/5 - 0 - 13 - 1 - 4 - 3 - 18

(the rest of) This Week in League Pass

If you're just hearing this news now, then you've already missed out on a few days of the NBA's Free Preview of League Pass. Fortunately, there are still a few days left (it goes through the 23rd) and the streets of New York (or wherever you live) are covered in slush, so hunker down on the couch, pour yourself a glass of your favorite rye whiskey, and let me guide you through the often bewildering world of League Pass. There are 40 NBA games between now and Sunday, and you won't be able to watch them all. We all know that you're a cowering, indecisive ball of mush, so let me tell you what to focus on:

Wednesday, 1/19
Yes, ESPN's 9:00 game between the Lakers and Mavericks is vaguely interesting to me, but I'd rather watch
Thunder @ Nuggets, 9pm
'Melo and Durant, two of the best scorers in the game, going after each other with probably neither one playing much defense. Also fun will be watching the muscular point guard battle, as Russell Westbrook will do his best to fly past Chauncey Billups and fly over Ty Lawson.
Cluj Face-Off Relevance:
Lamar Odom's Titter Feed (Billups) vs. I'm Optimus Prime (Westbrook)
Browless Wonders (JR Smith) vs. Big Guy Big Guy (Al Harrington)
Ready for the World (Nene) vs. Mrs. Windhorst (Jeff Green)

Timberwolves @ Clippers, 10:30pm
Yes, this sounds like a match-up of teams that have been reliably shitty for the past... well, ever. But the Clips have been on a roll lately, having won 10 of their last 14. Plus, you know that Blake Griffin is going to do something that makes you shit yourself in fear at his awesome power, and he'll be squaring off against one of the league's other best young big men in Kevin Love (who I'm a big fan of, but absolutely does not make you shit yourself in fear). Both have double-double streaks of like twenty-something games going, so: fun.
Cluj Face-Off Relevance:
Bronxville BitchSmackers (DeAndre Jordan) vs. Black Prezodents (Eric Gordon)
Browless Wonders (Love, Darko Milicic) vs. Big Guy Big Guy (Luke Ridnour)

Thursday, 1/20
You won't actually need League Pass on Thursday, since there are only three games and two of them are on TNT, with the other one being the hideous Sixers @ Bobcats match-up. But between the TNT games, I'd recommend...
Clippers @ Trail Blazers, 10:30pm
Again, the Griffin factor looms large, but I'd like to also make a case for watching my Blazers, who are once again hanging tough (two games over .500) despite injuries to Brandon Roy and Greg Oden. They have some fun young players trying to compensate for Roy's absence in Rudy Fernandez and Wesley Matthews, plus the league's only Aboriginal point guard, Patty Mills (not joking). LaMarcus Aldridge has been playing at an All-Star level since Roy went down, and Marcus Camby is, as always, Marcus Camby. Holy fuck, now Marcus Camby is injured, too. When is this shit going to stop? Have we thought about maybe hiring a new training staff, Portland? One that can maybe focus on strengthening the knees? Or what about Paul Allen putting some money into developing a substance that can replace meniscuses (menisci?)? Jesus.
On a brighter note:

Three Goggles!

Cluj Face-Off Relevance:
Bronxville BitchSmackers (Jordan) vs. Black Prezodents (Aldridge, Andre Miller)
Lamar Odom's Titter Feed (Al-Farouq Aminu) vs. I'm Optimus Prime (Griffin) -- this pre-supposes that Haller sets his line-up between now and then, which is a risky proposition to be sure.

Friday, 1/21
I'll be on a bus, then the opening of Mandu Two in DC, but Danny's a big NBA fan so hopefully there'll be some TVs on over the bar.
Hornets @ Hawks, 7:30
Two solid teams with similar records, both overall and recently (each is 8-2 in their last ten). Chris Paul is always entertaining, and without my own League Pass (or a TV, for that matter) I haven't seen nearly enough of Joe Johnson and Josh Smith this year.
Cluj Face-Off Relevance:
Old Man Whiteford (Johnson, Jamal Crawford) vs. Barbra Streisand (Smith)
Lamar Odom's Titter Feed (Al Horford) vs. I'm Optimus Prime (Mike Bibby, Trevor Ariza)

Jazz @ Celtics, 7:30
Normally I equate "professionalism" with "boringness" but in this particular instance I think the match-up between the league's oldest system (Sloan's pick-and-roll) and the league's oldest team (the positively paleolithic Celtics) should provide a good watch. Plus: Rondo vs. D-Will!
Cluj Face-Off Relevance:
Browless Wonders (Al Jefferson) vs. Big Guy Big Guy (Paul Pierce)

Lakers @ Nuggets, 10:30
This one's on ESPN, so again no League Pass necessary. This'll likely be our last chance to see this match-up, a mainstay among Western contenders the last few seasons, before the Nuggets blow up their roster and render themselves irrelevant.
Cluj Face-Off Relevance:
Old Man Whiteford (Ron Artest) vs. Barbra Streisand (Anthony, Andrew Bynum)

Saturday, 1/22
A full schedule with 13 games going, but somehow there's a dearth of interesting match-ups. In fact, the only one I'm really psyched about is...
Knicks @ Thunder, 8:00pm
It's hard not to like the Knicks this season. Count me among the folks who thought Amar'e would be exposed this year as a product of Nash, although I guess you could still make the argument that he's a product of D'Antoni. Either way: who cares? He's playing great basketball. And the Thunder are the Thunder: America's favorite young go-getters.
Cluj Face-Off Relevance:
Ready for the World (Danilo Gallinari) vs. Mrs. Windhorst (Amar'e, Jeff Green, Landry Fields)

Sunday, 1/23
Let's be honest, even if you're still alive following the NFL Conference Championships, you're not going to want to watch Pacers @ Nuggets, the only game on the NBA schedule.

I miss you, viche...

Every few days, I check this site for an update by Senor Sovic.  I'm sad when that doesn't happen.  My hope is that one of these days I'll open the window of the cluj blog and find a hilarious article by Viche staring back at me.
My hope is represented by the picture below...

Sovic's dilemma

the best kobe rapist picture I could find...

I'd say Kobe's popularity was at it's lowest point soon after he allegedly raped a woman in Colorado and then bought his wife a huge diamond ring to make up for it.  Kobe had never been very likable in the first place; even his teammates found him aloof and uninteresting.  However, one of his most vocal (at least through gchat) proponents was none other than Sr. Sovic.
Since I am a sheep by nature, I found myself in the majority as a Kobe hater.  Sovic, on the other hand, preached about learning to "embrace Kobe as a villain," and stated emphatically that he would "love to have" Kobe on his fantasy team.  In time, Sovic's defiant support of the black mamba wore down my defenses (hey, like kobe does to women!), and I begrudgingly learned to accept his villainy.

That bring us to Lebron.  Sovic hates lebron.  He's always hated lebron.  When Lebron was arguably the most popular player on the planet, Sovic stood his ground and stuck with his vehement hatred (recently, I learned Forshay felt the same way).  I, on the other hand, respected lebron for being the most talented player on the planet (even if he wasn't the most hardworking).  I loved that any time he was on TV, I would turn over to see what he might do.  He always had 3-4 HOLY FUCK moments every game.
Now, after "the decision" debacle, Bron is almost universally hated (and booed every night he's on the road).  My question to Sr. Sovic is this: will you learn to embrace his villainy?  Now that most have jumped ship (I do think dois, beb, and I still have some love for him) and you're in the majority opinion, will you find the bron-hater-club too crowded for your liking?
I await a response.
-Shoaf

Big Trouble in Little Texas

The two no longer happy couples

What the fuck is going on in San Antonio?  Why would Tony Parker cheat on Eva Longoria?  And did he really think he could fuck a teammate's wife and have no one find out?  Jesus, you dumbass frenchman, there's no way Barry's wife is nearly as hot as Eva.  Fucking idiots.
Really, I blame steffens.
Original article...
(figured the blogpost needed an update...)

FrankenPerky

Am I crazy?

Easter Sunday Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: Andre Iguodala, Call em Bullets
.643 - .786 - 4 - 33 - 8 - 11 - 5 - 1

Loose Stool: Jason Richardson, Teen Wolf
.000 - NA - 0 - 0 - 0 - 1 - 1 - 0

Shart: Terrence Williams, Teen Wolf
.538 - NA - 0 - 14 - 4 - 14 - 0 - 0

Playoffs in Review: Game Re-Caps

So here I am, with the final match-up already halfway over, and I still haven't written anything about the first two rounds. This could be attributed to general laziness on my part, or fatigue from the blogging season wearing on, or disinterest after my team's elimination in Round 1. And all of those would probably be correct attributions. But another factor is that I'm also not exactly sure how to write these. Normally, I am guided by the team highs and lows for the week, the players that contribute the most on each team, and the individual leaders in each category. Suddenly, in the playoffs, all those factors have become less important. Everyone is so focused on just beating their opponent that being high or low in the league is basically irrelevant. Player contributions are obviously important, but with so much adding and dropping going on, the individual achievements have taken a backseat to the owners' ability to get a few key stats out of different guys each night. What I really needed was to keep a running log of what pick-ups worked and didn't, how the category match-ups played out over the course of the week, and how the owners reacted (or didn't) to try and snatch every win they could. I did none of those things. So these game re-caps might be a little under-informed, but I'll do my best.

Thursday Lunch Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: Tyreke Evans, Unfrozen Caveman Bogut
.368 - .714 - 1 - 20 - 7 - 13 - 3 - 0

Loose Stool: Dwyane Wade, Call em Bullets
.308 - 1.000 - 0 - 10 - 3 - 1 - 2 - 0
This isn't a terrible line, but for Dwyane Wade, in the middle of championship week... it's a terrible line.

Shart: Terrence Williams, Teen Wolf
.450 - 1.000 - 2 - 21 - 5 - 9 - 0 - 1

Upper Decker: Mo Williams, Call em Bullets
.500 - .875 - 2 - 21 - 1 - 6 - 3 - 0
Odd, in that Bardey picked him up off the wire on Tuesday and then didn't start him on Wednesday.

Playoffs Round 1 & 2 in Review are coming later today.

Monday Morning Dump

A quick daily look at last night's highs and lows.

With last night's semi-final playoff match-ups coming down to the wire, there was perhaps no more important night in Cluj history to either bring it or stink up the joint. Let's see who did what:

Hot Shit: Dwyane Wade, Call em Bullets
.611 - .900 - 1 - 32 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 3

Loose Stool: Michael Beasley, Black Prezodents
.100 - NA - 0 - 2 - 3 - 0 - 0 - 0
Beating DeYoung and taking 5th place really meant something to me. Apparently, it didn't mean anything to the Beazer.

Shart: Kevin Love, WWTMD
.471 - 1.000 - 1 - 23 - 22 - 2 - 2 - 2
22 boards is a lot of boards. And gotta give KLove some love for the near Super-Duper.

Just Gas: Johnny Flynn, Unfrozen Caveman Bogut
.333 - 1.000 - 0 - 10 - 2 - 3 - 0 - 0
Darko's line for Teen Wolf was arguably worse, but he had two steals, the cat that Dekker managed to tie to take the match-up, so I can't think of him as Just Gas.

Hershey Squirts:
Ben Udrih, Cowboys
.353 - 1.000 - 0 - 18 - 10 - 15 - 2 - 0

Brandon Jennings, Power Bottom & Jelly
.417 - .857 - 3 - 29 - 7 - 8 - 4 - 0