Snow Day Morning Dump

A quick look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit
Kevin Durant, Uno Dos 3
15/28 - 13/14 - 4 - 18 - 2 - 2 - 2 - 47
Haven't finished checking the annals yet, but this may be our first SUPER DUPER OCTUPLET of the year.

Loose Stool
Roy Hibbert, Big Guy Big Guy
2/6 - 0/2 - 0 - 2 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 4

Upper Decker
Jrue Holiday, Barbra Streisand
6/16 - 3/4 - 0 - 5 - 11 - 1 - 2 - 15

Shart
Kyle Lowry, Hip To Be Clip
7/13 - 4/5 - 2 - 6 - 8 - 0 - 1 - 20

12 NBA Players Who Would Make Good Names For My Half-Black Son

Tweety Carter Tarasovic

Zabian Dowdell Tarasovic

Yakhouba Diawara Tarasovic

Alonzo Gee Tarasovic

Luther Head Tarasovic

Othyus Jeffers Tarasovic

Mickell Gladness Tarasovic

Lazar Hayward Tarasovic

Magnum Rolle Tarasovic

Latavious Williams Tarasovic

Longar Longar Tarasovic

Dexter Pittman Tarasovic

A few notes:
*I really wish my middle name was "Gladness"
*Luther Head would also make a great porn name
*Longar Longar is from Wow, Sudan
*If you see the name Magnum Rolle (my personal favorite) and think to yourself "Damn, there's a lot of professional athletes named Rolle," check out this old SI story.
*No matter which name wins out, we all know who the mother's going to be:

Keshia Knight Pulliam, fka Ms. Rudy Huxtable

The Octuplet Register

As you'll notice if you look to the right, there are some new/updated features on the blog. After the smashing success of the Classic Soul Jam of the Week over on the Lassard blog, I've added a Classic Hip Hop Jam of the Week to the Faculty of Letters. Enjoy some early 90's rap with your fantasy basketball reading.
Below the Jam of the Week you'll find that I've begun the Octuplet Register for this season. I'm going back through the scoreboards to get them from the full season, but it takes a while so I'll be going month by month. Today's update includes October and November, and in case you don't feel like reading through a hundred individual box scores, here is some summary:

Team Octuplet Rankings (as of November 30th):
1) Barbara Streisand - 16
2) Hip To Be Clip - 15
3-t) Lamar Odom's Titter Feed - 12
Black Prezodents - 12
5) Big Guy Big Guy - 11
6-t) Uno Dos 3 - 9
Browless Wonders - 9
8) I'm Optimus Prime - 7
9-t) Bronxville BitchSmackers - 6
Mrs. Windhorst - 6
11) Ready for the World - 4
12) Old Man Whiteford - 1

Individual Octuplet Leaders:
1) Danny Granger, Hip To Be Clip - 7
2) Manu Ginobili, Barbra Streisand - 6
3) OJ Mayo, Lamar Odom's Titter Feed - 5
4-t) Josh Smith, Barbra Streisand - 4
Raymond Felton, Big Guy Big Guy - 4
Luol Deng, Hip To Be Clip - 4

*Interestingly, last year's Octuplet leaders Kevin Durant and LeBron James are nowhere to be found on the leaderboard. James had two in the first month, and Durant had only one. Could this be the year that Danny Granger stays healthy and claims the crown?

*Felton and Mayo like their octuplets in bunches, with Felton registering four in a five-game stretch between November 16th and 23rd, and Mayo accomplishing the same feat between October 29th and November 5th.

*My favorite Octo of the month? Well, there were no Super Duper Octuplets (a double-double, at least two in each of the other volume cats, and .400/.800 percentage minimums), but Felton's line on November 19th comes close: 35 points on 13-of-17 shooting, 5 of 6 from the stripe, 11 assists, 5 boards, 4 steals and a block. One more block and that's a Super-Duper. We'll ignore the fact that it came in a Knicks-Warriors game, where probably any player with more than 30 minutes in the game is a solid octuplet candidate.

*The least impressive? Probably Ben Gordon's performance from November 9th, when he scored a mere eight points with one three, two boards, one assist, two steals, and one block. Really close to the absolute bare minimum of an octuplet there, Ben. I do appreciate the palindromic quality of the line though with that 1-2-1-2-1 in there. Sounds like a killer indoor soccer formation, too.

Saturday Brunch Dump

For those of you new to the league and blog, the Morning Dump is a quick look at the previous night's highs and lows. The Hot Shit goes to the night's best performance. Loose Stool is awarded to the  most disappointing player. A quality outing that has been left on the bench is known as an Upper Decker. And a Shart is assigned to the most suprising line of the evening. There are a few other gradations of poopery, but we'll keep it simple for now.

Hot Shit
Tim Duncan, Uno Dos 3
8/15 - 5/6 - 0 - 16 - 8 - 0 - 5 - 21

Loose Stool
Marc Gasol, Lamar Odom's Titter Feed
2/4 - 0/0 - 0 - 1 - 0 - 0 - 0 - 4

Shart
Arron Afflalo, Uno Dos 3
8/11 - 1/2 - 5 - 4 - 4 - 1 - 0 - 22

Upper Decker
DeJuan Blair, I'm Optimus Prime
8/12 - 2/5 - 0 - 13 - 1 - 4 - 3 - 18

(the rest of) This Week in League Pass

If you're just hearing this news now, then you've already missed out on a few days of the NBA's Free Preview of League Pass. Fortunately, there are still a few days left (it goes through the 23rd) and the streets of New York (or wherever you live) are covered in slush, so hunker down on the couch, pour yourself a glass of your favorite rye whiskey, and let me guide you through the often bewildering world of League Pass. There are 40 NBA games between now and Sunday, and you won't be able to watch them all. We all know that you're a cowering, indecisive ball of mush, so let me tell you what to focus on:

Wednesday, 1/19
Yes, ESPN's 9:00 game between the Lakers and Mavericks is vaguely interesting to me, but I'd rather watch
Thunder @ Nuggets, 9pm
'Melo and Durant, two of the best scorers in the game, going after each other with probably neither one playing much defense. Also fun will be watching the muscular point guard battle, as Russell Westbrook will do his best to fly past Chauncey Billups and fly over Ty Lawson.
Cluj Face-Off Relevance:
Lamar Odom's Titter Feed (Billups) vs. I'm Optimus Prime (Westbrook)
Browless Wonders (JR Smith) vs. Big Guy Big Guy (Al Harrington)
Ready for the World (Nene) vs. Mrs. Windhorst (Jeff Green)

Timberwolves @ Clippers, 10:30pm
Yes, this sounds like a match-up of teams that have been reliably shitty for the past... well, ever. But the Clips have been on a roll lately, having won 10 of their last 14. Plus, you know that Blake Griffin is going to do something that makes you shit yourself in fear at his awesome power, and he'll be squaring off against one of the league's other best young big men in Kevin Love (who I'm a big fan of, but absolutely does not make you shit yourself in fear). Both have double-double streaks of like twenty-something games going, so: fun.
Cluj Face-Off Relevance:
Bronxville BitchSmackers (DeAndre Jordan) vs. Black Prezodents (Eric Gordon)
Browless Wonders (Love, Darko Milicic) vs. Big Guy Big Guy (Luke Ridnour)

Thursday, 1/20
You won't actually need League Pass on Thursday, since there are only three games and two of them are on TNT, with the other one being the hideous Sixers @ Bobcats match-up. But between the TNT games, I'd recommend...
Clippers @ Trail Blazers, 10:30pm
Again, the Griffin factor looms large, but I'd like to also make a case for watching my Blazers, who are once again hanging tough (two games over .500) despite injuries to Brandon Roy and Greg Oden. They have some fun young players trying to compensate for Roy's absence in Rudy Fernandez and Wesley Matthews, plus the league's only Aboriginal point guard, Patty Mills (not joking). LaMarcus Aldridge has been playing at an All-Star level since Roy went down, and Marcus Camby is, as always, Marcus Camby. Holy fuck, now Marcus Camby is injured, too. When is this shit going to stop? Have we thought about maybe hiring a new training staff, Portland? One that can maybe focus on strengthening the knees? Or what about Paul Allen putting some money into developing a substance that can replace meniscuses (menisci?)? Jesus.
On a brighter note:

Three Goggles!

Cluj Face-Off Relevance:
Bronxville BitchSmackers (Jordan) vs. Black Prezodents (Aldridge, Andre Miller)
Lamar Odom's Titter Feed (Al-Farouq Aminu) vs. I'm Optimus Prime (Griffin) -- this pre-supposes that Haller sets his line-up between now and then, which is a risky proposition to be sure.

Friday, 1/21
I'll be on a bus, then the opening of Mandu Two in DC, but Danny's a big NBA fan so hopefully there'll be some TVs on over the bar.
Hornets @ Hawks, 7:30
Two solid teams with similar records, both overall and recently (each is 8-2 in their last ten). Chris Paul is always entertaining, and without my own League Pass (or a TV, for that matter) I haven't seen nearly enough of Joe Johnson and Josh Smith this year.
Cluj Face-Off Relevance:
Old Man Whiteford (Johnson, Jamal Crawford) vs. Barbra Streisand (Smith)
Lamar Odom's Titter Feed (Al Horford) vs. I'm Optimus Prime (Mike Bibby, Trevor Ariza)

Jazz @ Celtics, 7:30
Normally I equate "professionalism" with "boringness" but in this particular instance I think the match-up between the league's oldest system (Sloan's pick-and-roll) and the league's oldest team (the positively paleolithic Celtics) should provide a good watch. Plus: Rondo vs. D-Will!
Cluj Face-Off Relevance:
Browless Wonders (Al Jefferson) vs. Big Guy Big Guy (Paul Pierce)

Lakers @ Nuggets, 10:30
This one's on ESPN, so again no League Pass necessary. This'll likely be our last chance to see this match-up, a mainstay among Western contenders the last few seasons, before the Nuggets blow up their roster and render themselves irrelevant.
Cluj Face-Off Relevance:
Old Man Whiteford (Ron Artest) vs. Barbra Streisand (Anthony, Andrew Bynum)

Saturday, 1/22
A full schedule with 13 games going, but somehow there's a dearth of interesting match-ups. In fact, the only one I'm really psyched about is...
Knicks @ Thunder, 8:00pm
It's hard not to like the Knicks this season. Count me among the folks who thought Amar'e would be exposed this year as a product of Nash, although I guess you could still make the argument that he's a product of D'Antoni. Either way: who cares? He's playing great basketball. And the Thunder are the Thunder: America's favorite young go-getters.
Cluj Face-Off Relevance:
Ready for the World (Danilo Gallinari) vs. Mrs. Windhorst (Amar'e, Jeff Green, Landry Fields)

Sunday, 1/23
Let's be honest, even if you're still alive following the NFL Conference Championships, you're not going to want to watch Pacers @ Nuggets, the only game on the NBA schedule.

I miss you, viche...

Every few days, I check this site for an update by Senor Sovic.  I'm sad when that doesn't happen.  My hope is that one of these days I'll open the window of the cluj blog and find a hilarious article by Viche staring back at me.
My hope is represented by the picture below...