A quick daily look at yesterday's highs and lows.
Hot Shit: Dwight Howard, One Down...
.667 - .455 - 0 - 29 - 14 - 2 - 1 - 4
Loose Stool: Ryan Gomes, One Down...
.250 - 1.000 - 0 - 6 - 0 - 0 - 1- 0
Upper Decker: Kenyon Martin, Black Prez
.500 - .857 - 0 - 18 - 9 - 2 - 4 - 2
3.24.2009
3.23.2009
Week 21 Review: Game Re-Caps
What you missed if you were only paying attention to your own game, you selfish prick.
The last week of the regular season seemed to be nearly irrelevant, with all of the playoff spots already decided and the seedings seemingly locked in. Yet a strange combination of results showed that it truly ain't over 'til it's over. Let's take a look...
Black Prezodents 6 (fg%/3pm/pts/reb/ast/blk)
Working's fo Suckers 1 (ft%)
In his first week back for the Prezbos after a lengthy layoff, Danny Granger was not nearly as spectacular as he had been earlier in the season. But the presence of their leader seemed to fire up the rest of the squad, who led the league in boards and assists and finished in the top three in three other categories despite getting nothing from Rasheed Wallace all week. Having watched Granger, Antawn Jamison, Rajon Rondo, and Lamar Odom all spearhead the team at various times during the season, Ol' Man River Antonio McDyess decided in Week 21 that it was his turn to re-live his glory days with the Nuggets. Inspired by my recent craps post, the man known as "Dice" averaged 16 points and 15 boards this week, as well as blocking six shots.
Of note: The Prezbos and Suckers tied at 23 steals, which was the total for five Cluj teams this week.
The Browless Wonders 7 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast/stl/blk)
Great Oden's Raven 1 (3pm)
This was one of the most shocking results of the week, and the one that had the greatest playoff seeding impact. After Week 20, Bardey was well ahead of Shoaf in the standings, and with Will taking on the normally strong G.O.R. team, One Down... had every reason to believe they'd hold on to a 1st-round playoff bye. The real question was whether Beb could surpass Shoaf in the rankings to gain home-court advantage, which means absolutely nothing in the realm of fantasy sports. Instead, the Ravenettes absolutely laid an egg, allowing the Wonders to slide past One Down... into the Bye position. When pressed for a reason for this collapse, Bernier complained of "injuries, injuries, injuries," but from what I can see the Great Oden starters only missed two games due to injury, pretty standard for any given week in the life of a Cluj team. To me it just looked like these guys shit the bed. 37 points for Chauncey Billups? 11 boards for Rashard Lewis? 2 threes for Dwyane Wade? That's just pussy shit. Meanwhile, the Browless ones were amongst the top two in the league in five different categories. That's how you enter the playoffs on a good note. Hopefully those guys will spend the next week cooling off
Kill Whitey 5 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast)
Fear the Turtle 3 (3pm/stl/blk)
If Dev is looking for a silver lining to the cloud of his Week 20 defeat, he can take solace in the fact that he was taken down by one of his own. No, I'm not referring to an Indian NBA phenom (we haven't gotten that international yet), but rather the performance of former Terp Steve Blake, who led the Whiteys in threes (13) and assists (27), two categories that the Turtles lost. Blake also led the team in steals (5), free throw percentage (1.000), and was third in points (60). For the team that won. Steve Blake. This should give you a good idea as to the quality of these two teams. Enjoy the consolation bracket!
Black Ice 4 (fg%/3pm/ast/blk)
Professor Dribbles 3 (ft%/pts/reb)
I've been giving Black Ice shit all season for being an absentee owner, and recently for being an active owner making utterly pointless moves, but I have to give him credit for his first win since Week 2. How did Dribbles manage to lose to a team that was still in the bottom fourth of the league in five different categories? I'm not sure. It doesn't actually seem mathematically possible to me. But it happened. I think it's safe to say that both teams suck.
Snap Jelly Soldiers 6 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast/stl)
One Down... One to Go 2 (3pm/blk)
This was the other game with major playoff ramifications, and a few more rebounds out of the One Down crew might have saved Bardey a tough first-round match-up against the Prezodents, but his guys just couldn't get it done. Though they ended the season only separated by 6 wins, this game showed the level of difference between Snap Jelly and the other top teams in the league. ODOTG only had "bad" weeks in two categories (ft% and steals), but when the Soldiers come out with top-3 performances in free throw percentage, points, assists, steals, and blocks, note being bad is not nearly good enough. As long as there is someone to back up LeBron, Steffens is hard to beat, and this week it was Gerald Wallace, who averaged 21 points, 8 boards, 5 assists, 2 steals, and 1.5 blocks.
Screen Team 7 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast/stl/blk)
Dominique Moceanu 1 (3pm)
Though I owe Billy some for his fair and honest actions in our aborted trade earlier this season, I would be remiss in my role as commissioner/commentator if I did not call him to task for his performance this week. Devin Harris, Allen Iverson, and Peja Stojakovic. Not one minute played between them this week, and yet all three started for the Moceanu squad. Shameful. You know what else is shameful? The fact that a team without Harris, Iverson and Stojakovic could still win three-pointers. Seriously, Screen? This is the team you're taking to the Playoffs? A team starting Andres Nocioni and Dominic McGuire? Will Renaldo Balkman be winning a championship this year? I don't think so. Enjoy the 7-1 victory, Andy, I suspect it'll be your last.
Here are your Week 21 Highs and Lows:
Field Goal Percentage: Kill Whitey .514, Working's fo Suckers .419
Free Throw Percentage: Snap Jelly Soldiers .838, One Down... One to Go .671
3-Pointers Made: One Down... One to Go 38, Browless Wonders 15
Points: Snap Jelly Soldiers 627, Black Ice 318
Rebounds: Black Prezodents 229, Dominique Moceanu 114
Assists: Black Prezodents 144, Dominique Moceanu 57
Steals: Browless Wonders 44, Kill Whitey 12
Blocks: One Down... One to Go 34, Dominique Moceanu 8
And so the regular season comes to a close. Congratulations to Adam Steffens and the Snap Jelly Soldiers, who have won the regular season and secured themselves some money (I can't remember how much and don't feel like looking back right now). I had not previously realized it, but there is apparently a consolation bracket to our Playoffs, so even those of you with atrocious teams will get to continue playing, while the top two finishers (Snap Jelly and Browless) enjoy a week off. Here are the match-ups for Week 22:
Playoffs:
(3) One Down... One to Go vs. (6) Black Prezodents
(4) Great Oden's Raven vs. (5) Screen Team
Consolation:
(9) Workin's fo Suckers vs. (12) Black Ice
(10) Professor Dribbles vs. (11) Dominique Moceanu
Good luck to all except Bardey, whocould win this whole league and still not make back the money he lost on the tables a few weeks ago is a real pussy if he can't even step up 3 miles in 6 months.
The last week of the regular season seemed to be nearly irrelevant, with all of the playoff spots already decided and the seedings seemingly locked in. Yet a strange combination of results showed that it truly ain't over 'til it's over. Let's take a look...
Black Prezodents 6 (fg%/3pm/pts/reb/ast/blk)
Working's fo Suckers 1 (ft%)
In his first week back for the Prezbos after a lengthy layoff, Danny Granger was not nearly as spectacular as he had been earlier in the season. But the presence of their leader seemed to fire up the rest of the squad, who led the league in boards and assists and finished in the top three in three other categories despite getting nothing from Rasheed Wallace all week. Having watched Granger, Antawn Jamison, Rajon Rondo, and Lamar Odom all spearhead the team at various times during the season, Ol' Man River Antonio McDyess decided in Week 21 that it was his turn to re-live his glory days with the Nuggets. Inspired by my recent craps post, the man known as "Dice" averaged 16 points and 15 boards this week, as well as blocking six shots.
Of note: The Prezbos and Suckers tied at 23 steals, which was the total for five Cluj teams this week.
The Browless Wonders 7 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast/stl/blk)
Great Oden's Raven 1 (3pm)
This was one of the most shocking results of the week, and the one that had the greatest playoff seeding impact. After Week 20, Bardey was well ahead of Shoaf in the standings, and with Will taking on the normally strong G.O.R. team, One Down... had every reason to believe they'd hold on to a 1st-round playoff bye. The real question was whether Beb could surpass Shoaf in the rankings to gain home-court advantage, which means absolutely nothing in the realm of fantasy sports. Instead, the Ravenettes absolutely laid an egg, allowing the Wonders to slide past One Down... into the Bye position. When pressed for a reason for this collapse, Bernier complained of "injuries, injuries, injuries," but from what I can see the Great Oden starters only missed two games due to injury, pretty standard for any given week in the life of a Cluj team. To me it just looked like these guys shit the bed. 37 points for Chauncey Billups? 11 boards for Rashard Lewis? 2 threes for Dwyane Wade? That's just pussy shit. Meanwhile, the Browless ones were amongst the top two in the league in five different categories. That's how you enter the playoffs on a good note. Hopefully those guys will spend the next week cooling off
Kill Whitey 5 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast)
Fear the Turtle 3 (3pm/stl/blk)
If Dev is looking for a silver lining to the cloud of his Week 20 defeat, he can take solace in the fact that he was taken down by one of his own. No, I'm not referring to an Indian NBA phenom (we haven't gotten that international yet), but rather the performance of former Terp Steve Blake, who led the Whiteys in threes (13) and assists (27), two categories that the Turtles lost. Blake also led the team in steals (5), free throw percentage (1.000), and was third in points (60). For the team that won. Steve Blake. This should give you a good idea as to the quality of these two teams. Enjoy the consolation bracket!
Black Ice 4 (fg%/3pm/ast/blk)
Professor Dribbles 3 (ft%/pts/reb)
I've been giving Black Ice shit all season for being an absentee owner, and recently for being an active owner making utterly pointless moves, but I have to give him credit for his first win since Week 2. How did Dribbles manage to lose to a team that was still in the bottom fourth of the league in five different categories? I'm not sure. It doesn't actually seem mathematically possible to me. But it happened. I think it's safe to say that both teams suck.
Snap Jelly Soldiers 6 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast/stl)
One Down... One to Go 2 (3pm/blk)
This was the other game with major playoff ramifications, and a few more rebounds out of the One Down crew might have saved Bardey a tough first-round match-up against the Prezodents, but his guys just couldn't get it done. Though they ended the season only separated by 6 wins, this game showed the level of difference between Snap Jelly and the other top teams in the league. ODOTG only had "bad" weeks in two categories (ft% and steals), but when the Soldiers come out with top-3 performances in free throw percentage, points, assists, steals, and blocks, note being bad is not nearly good enough. As long as there is someone to back up LeBron, Steffens is hard to beat, and this week it was Gerald Wallace, who averaged 21 points, 8 boards, 5 assists, 2 steals, and 1.5 blocks.
Screen Team 7 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast/stl/blk)
Dominique Moceanu 1 (3pm)
Though I owe Billy some for his fair and honest actions in our aborted trade earlier this season, I would be remiss in my role as commissioner/commentator if I did not call him to task for his performance this week. Devin Harris, Allen Iverson, and Peja Stojakovic. Not one minute played between them this week, and yet all three started for the Moceanu squad. Shameful. You know what else is shameful? The fact that a team without Harris, Iverson and Stojakovic could still win three-pointers. Seriously, Screen? This is the team you're taking to the Playoffs? A team starting Andres Nocioni and Dominic McGuire? Will Renaldo Balkman be winning a championship this year? I don't think so. Enjoy the 7-1 victory, Andy, I suspect it'll be your last.
Here are your Week 21 Highs and Lows:
Field Goal Percentage: Kill Whitey .514, Working's fo Suckers .419
Free Throw Percentage: Snap Jelly Soldiers .838, One Down... One to Go .671
3-Pointers Made: One Down... One to Go 38, Browless Wonders 15
Points: Snap Jelly Soldiers 627, Black Ice 318
Rebounds: Black Prezodents 229, Dominique Moceanu 114
Assists: Black Prezodents 144, Dominique Moceanu 57
Steals: Browless Wonders 44, Kill Whitey 12
Blocks: One Down... One to Go 34, Dominique Moceanu 8
And so the regular season comes to a close. Congratulations to Adam Steffens and the Snap Jelly Soldiers, who have won the regular season and secured themselves some money (I can't remember how much and don't feel like looking back right now). I had not previously realized it, but there is apparently a consolation bracket to our Playoffs, so even those of you with atrocious teams will get to continue playing, while the top two finishers (Snap Jelly and Browless) enjoy a week off. Here are the match-ups for Week 22:
Playoffs:
(3) One Down... One to Go vs. (6) Black Prezodents
(4) Great Oden's Raven vs. (5) Screen Team
Consolation:
(9) Workin's fo Suckers vs. (12) Black Ice
(10) Professor Dribbles vs. (11) Dominique Moceanu
Good luck to all except Bardey, who
Morning Dump
A quick daily look at yesterday's highs and lows.
The final Morning Dump of the regular season:
Hot Shit: Dwyane Wade, Great Oden
.565 - .786 - 2 - 39 - 2 - 6 - 2 - 4
Almost every Octuplet has at least one 1. Not for DWade, though.
Loose Stool: Samuel Dalembert, Working Suckers
.400 - N/A - 0 - 4 - 4 - 0 - 0 - 2
Anthony Randolph had worse numbers, but played less than half of Dalembert's minutes.
Upper Decker: Spencer Hawes, Kill Whitey
.615 - N/A - 1 - 17 - 11 - 9 - 1 - 0
The final Morning Dump of the regular season:
Hot Shit: Dwyane Wade, Great Oden
.565 - .786 - 2 - 39 - 2 - 6 - 2 - 4
Almost every Octuplet has at least one 1. Not for DWade, though.
Loose Stool: Samuel Dalembert, Working Suckers
.400 - N/A - 0 - 4 - 4 - 0 - 0 - 2
Anthony Randolph had worse numbers, but played less than half of Dalembert's minutes.
Upper Decker: Spencer Hawes, Kill Whitey
.615 - N/A - 1 - 17 - 11 - 9 - 1 - 0
3.18.2009
Week 20 in Review: Game Re-Caps
What you missed if you were only paying attention to your own game, you selfish prick.
It just occurred to me that I haven't posted game re-caps for last week's games yet. Without further ado...
Working's fo Suckers 6 (fg%/3pm/pts/reb/ast/blk)
Screen Team 2 (ft%/stl)
This is a tale of two teams headed in opposite directions, but it's happened a little too late in the season for it to matter. Heading into Week 20, the Suckers had gone 15-9 the previous three weeks, while Screen Team were 8-16 during the same stretch. The trends continued in this match-up, where Deron Williams averaged a double-double (17 pts, 11 ast), Jason Kidd was lighting it up from outside (11 threes), and Dirk led the team in points (110), boards (37), and blocks (5). The Screeners continued to be hampered by the absence of KG and KD, and despite being the most active manager in the market this year, the guys Screen came up with to replace them (Udonis Haslem and Rashad McCants) have little business starting for a playoff-bound fantasy basketball squad. Durant has since returned, but Screen better hope Garnett follows soon if he hopes to make any noise in the playoffs.
The Browless Wonders 5 (ft%/3pm/pts/reb/stl)
Kill Whitey 3 (fg%/ast/blk)
I have not done the research to back this up, but based simply on doing these write-ups each week, I'm gonna say that Chris Paul is leading the league in steals by a margin of probably 4-5 steals per game over the next best thief. It just seems like every time I write about his match-up he's got way more than anyone else on either team, and not surprisingly Steals was one of the Wonders' most dominant victories this week. That could also have something to do with the fact that Dekker's team is full of big, slow, play-it-safe white guys. And even though the career steals leader (John Stockton) is a whitey, that's because he played Illegal Defense all the time, hanging out in the passing lanes without getting it called because the refs were in his pocket. Do they even have Illegal Defense anymore? I think that rule changed, so maybe Paul does the same thing except it's legal now. In other news... even though I hate most of Will's players, I'm happy to see Jason Terry back and healthy and dropping 11 threes and 98 points on Kill Whitey's head.
Snap Jelly Soldiers 6 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast/blk)
Dominique Moceanu 2 (3pm/stl)
LeBron this week had...
...more points than Rodney Stuckey and Ben Gordon combined.
...more rebounds than Tim Duncan.
...more assists than all three Snap Jelly guards put together.
...more steals than Gerald Wallace and John Salmons.
...more blocks than Yao Ming.
And all those guys, decent players in their own rights, are on his team. How do we keep Snap Jelly from winning the championship? Simple: we hypnotize Reggie Jackson and implant a signal in his watch that, when triggered, will direct him to assassinate King James during the seventh-inning stretch of the Cavaliers upcoming game against the Seattle Mariners.
As for Moceanu...
...nice steals, Mario Chalmers! (13)
Great Oden's Raven 5 (ft%/3pm/pts/ast/stl)
Black Prezodents 3 (fg%/reb/blk)
Honestly, I was pretty happy to come out of this one down 5-3, considering that I spent most of the week at 6-2 and flirted with 7-1 on several occasions. Something must have happened to the Ravenettes shooting touch on Sunday and my guys must have been hitting because that was one of the only times all week I was leading that category. The Prezbos just got slaughtered by Dwyane Wade. His per-game averages: 2.5 threes, 37 points, 6 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals, 1.5 blocks. That's a Hot Shit performance for four straight games. Just unbelievable. Basically, the categories I won--fg%-reb-blk--were won by three guys: Al Horford (.525-40-8), Antonio McDyess (.536-65-6), and Lamar Odom (.379-32-7). Antawn Jamison's 9 threes and 117 points are admirable, but essentially useless against the onslaught of Great Oden, who always get solid multi-cat contributions from Chauncey Billups (8 threes, 23 assists) and Stephen Jackson (6 threes, 26 assists).
Fear the Turtle 5 (pts/reb/ast/stl/blk)
Black Ice 3 (fg%/ft%/3pm)
You would think that with Kevin Garnett out, a multi-time All-Star and champion like Ray Allen would pick up some of his glue-guy, defensive-minded slack, but I've noticed that in this recent stretch, Allen still doesn't do shit besides score and hit threes. I have to imagine that his failure to do anything else has a lot to do with the Celtics recent struggles. It also explains why Black Ice who count on Allen as their best players, couldn't compete with a sub-par Fear the Turtle team in any of the volume stats besides 3s. The Turtles, on the other hand, have a legit star in Joe Johnson, who had a very strong week (10 threes, 126 points, 23 assists, 6 steals) right after I traded him away in my middle school league.
One Down... One to Go 7 (everything but steals)
Professor Dribbles 0
Well, Bardey didn't exactly sweep, but Deyoung did get blanked, thanks to a tie in steals. I'm not sure how Dribbles has managed to squander the talents of Kobe Bryant and Paul Pierce this season, but it may have something to do with starting guys like Tyrus Thomas while Rip Hamilton rots on the bench. Then again, even Coatesville's proudest son probably couldn't have made much of a dent in the One to Go wall of stats this week. Bardey's squad was tops in the league in threes and points, second in blocks, and third in boards and assists. Those are Snap Jelly-esque figures, and not surprisingly those two teams will be chilling with Byes in a few days when the Playoffs begin. Though he lacks one of those LeBron-Kobe-CP3 type stars, Bardey makes up for it by getting solid contributions from nearly every position and having standout guys in certain categories, like Dwight Howard in rebounds (56) and blocks (15) and Nate Robinson in points (107) and assists (27).
Here are your Best and Worst for Week 20:
Field Goal Percentage: Kill Whitey .515, Screen Team .408
Free Throw Percentage: Browless Wonders .862, Prof. Dribbles .713
3-Pointers Made: One Down... One to Go 40, Fear the Turtle 15
Points: One Down... One to Go 668, Black Ice 355
Rebounds: Snap Jelly Soldiers 220, Dominique Moceanu 163
Assists: Working's fo Suckers 130, Dominique Moceanu 69
Steals: Dominique Moceanu 47, Kill Whitey 26
Blocks: Snap Jelly Soldiers 48, Black Ice 6
Match-ups for the final week of the regular season are...
Black Prezodents vs. Working's fo Suckers (Battle of the Boroughs)
The Browless Wonders vs. Great Oden's Raven (Battle of Austin)
Fear the Turtle vs. Kill Whitey (Battle of Guys who have nothing in common)
Professor Dribbles vs. BLACK ICE (Battle of Mary Washington)
Snap Jelly Soldiers vs. One Down... (Battle of Sagoponack Wiffle Ball)
Dominique Moceanu vs. Screen Team (Battle of Marvin Upstairs)
Good luck to all in Week 21, except for Jesse, who will never get his Euro '08 Fun Club steak now that he spends all his time on the Left Coast.
It just occurred to me that I haven't posted game re-caps for last week's games yet. Without further ado...
Working's fo Suckers 6 (fg%/3pm/pts/reb/ast/blk)
Screen Team 2 (ft%/stl)
This is a tale of two teams headed in opposite directions, but it's happened a little too late in the season for it to matter. Heading into Week 20, the Suckers had gone 15-9 the previous three weeks, while Screen Team were 8-16 during the same stretch. The trends continued in this match-up, where Deron Williams averaged a double-double (17 pts, 11 ast), Jason Kidd was lighting it up from outside (11 threes), and Dirk led the team in points (110), boards (37), and blocks (5). The Screeners continued to be hampered by the absence of KG and KD, and despite being the most active manager in the market this year, the guys Screen came up with to replace them (Udonis Haslem and Rashad McCants) have little business starting for a playoff-bound fantasy basketball squad. Durant has since returned, but Screen better hope Garnett follows soon if he hopes to make any noise in the playoffs.
The Browless Wonders 5 (ft%/3pm/pts/reb/stl)
Kill Whitey 3 (fg%/ast/blk)
I have not done the research to back this up, but based simply on doing these write-ups each week, I'm gonna say that Chris Paul is leading the league in steals by a margin of probably 4-5 steals per game over the next best thief. It just seems like every time I write about his match-up he's got way more than anyone else on either team, and not surprisingly Steals was one of the Wonders' most dominant victories this week. That could also have something to do with the fact that Dekker's team is full of big, slow, play-it-safe white guys. And even though the career steals leader (John Stockton) is a whitey, that's because he played Illegal Defense all the time, hanging out in the passing lanes without getting it called because the refs were in his pocket. Do they even have Illegal Defense anymore? I think that rule changed, so maybe Paul does the same thing except it's legal now. In other news... even though I hate most of Will's players, I'm happy to see Jason Terry back and healthy and dropping 11 threes and 98 points on Kill Whitey's head.
Snap Jelly Soldiers 6 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast/blk)
Dominique Moceanu 2 (3pm/stl)
LeBron this week had...
...more points than Rodney Stuckey and Ben Gordon combined.
...more rebounds than Tim Duncan.
...more assists than all three Snap Jelly guards put together.
...more steals than Gerald Wallace and John Salmons.
...more blocks than Yao Ming.
And all those guys, decent players in their own rights, are on his team. How do we keep Snap Jelly from winning the championship? Simple: we hypnotize Reggie Jackson and implant a signal in his watch that, when triggered, will direct him to assassinate King James during the seventh-inning stretch of the Cavaliers upcoming game against the Seattle Mariners.
As for Moceanu...
...nice steals, Mario Chalmers! (13)
Great Oden's Raven 5 (ft%/3pm/pts/ast/stl)
Black Prezodents 3 (fg%/reb/blk)
Honestly, I was pretty happy to come out of this one down 5-3, considering that I spent most of the week at 6-2 and flirted with 7-1 on several occasions. Something must have happened to the Ravenettes shooting touch on Sunday and my guys must have been hitting because that was one of the only times all week I was leading that category. The Prezbos just got slaughtered by Dwyane Wade. His per-game averages: 2.5 threes, 37 points, 6 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals, 1.5 blocks. That's a Hot Shit performance for four straight games. Just unbelievable. Basically, the categories I won--fg%-reb-blk--were won by three guys: Al Horford (.525-40-8), Antonio McDyess (.536-65-6), and Lamar Odom (.379-32-7). Antawn Jamison's 9 threes and 117 points are admirable, but essentially useless against the onslaught of Great Oden, who always get solid multi-cat contributions from Chauncey Billups (8 threes, 23 assists) and Stephen Jackson (6 threes, 26 assists).
Fear the Turtle 5 (pts/reb/ast/stl/blk)
Black Ice 3 (fg%/ft%/3pm)
You would think that with Kevin Garnett out, a multi-time All-Star and champion like Ray Allen would pick up some of his glue-guy, defensive-minded slack, but I've noticed that in this recent stretch, Allen still doesn't do shit besides score and hit threes. I have to imagine that his failure to do anything else has a lot to do with the Celtics recent struggles. It also explains why Black Ice who count on Allen as their best players, couldn't compete with a sub-par Fear the Turtle team in any of the volume stats besides 3s. The Turtles, on the other hand, have a legit star in Joe Johnson, who had a very strong week (10 threes, 126 points, 23 assists, 6 steals) right after I traded him away in my middle school league.
One Down... One to Go 7 (everything but steals)
Professor Dribbles 0
Well, Bardey didn't exactly sweep, but Deyoung did get blanked, thanks to a tie in steals. I'm not sure how Dribbles has managed to squander the talents of Kobe Bryant and Paul Pierce this season, but it may have something to do with starting guys like Tyrus Thomas while Rip Hamilton rots on the bench. Then again, even Coatesville's proudest son probably couldn't have made much of a dent in the One to Go wall of stats this week. Bardey's squad was tops in the league in threes and points, second in blocks, and third in boards and assists. Those are Snap Jelly-esque figures, and not surprisingly those two teams will be chilling with Byes in a few days when the Playoffs begin. Though he lacks one of those LeBron-Kobe-CP3 type stars, Bardey makes up for it by getting solid contributions from nearly every position and having standout guys in certain categories, like Dwight Howard in rebounds (56) and blocks (15) and Nate Robinson in points (107) and assists (27).
Here are your Best and Worst for Week 20:
Field Goal Percentage: Kill Whitey .515, Screen Team .408
Free Throw Percentage: Browless Wonders .862, Prof. Dribbles .713
3-Pointers Made: One Down... One to Go 40, Fear the Turtle 15
Points: One Down... One to Go 668, Black Ice 355
Rebounds: Snap Jelly Soldiers 220, Dominique Moceanu 163
Assists: Working's fo Suckers 130, Dominique Moceanu 69
Steals: Dominique Moceanu 47, Kill Whitey 26
Blocks: Snap Jelly Soldiers 48, Black Ice 6
Match-ups for the final week of the regular season are...
Black Prezodents vs. Working's fo Suckers (Battle of the Boroughs)
The Browless Wonders vs. Great Oden's Raven (Battle of Austin)
Fear the Turtle vs. Kill Whitey (Battle of Guys who have nothing in common)
Professor Dribbles vs. BLACK ICE (Battle of Mary Washington)
Snap Jelly Soldiers vs. One Down... (Battle of Sagoponack Wiffle Ball)
Dominique Moceanu vs. Screen Team (Battle of Marvin Upstairs)
Good luck to all in Week 21, except for Jesse, who will never get his Euro '08 Fun Club steak now that he spends all his time on the Left Coast.
Morning Dump
A daily look at last night's highs and lows.
Hot Shit: LeBron James, Snap Jelly
.556 - .900 - 4 - 43 - 12 - 8 - 4 - 1
Loose Stool: Dominic McGuire, Screen Team
.167 - N/A - 0 - 2 - 3 - 1 - 2 - 0
Upper Decker: Al Thornton, Fire Somebody
.526 - .714 - 0 - 25 - 9 - 2 - 1 - 0
Hot Shit: LeBron James, Snap Jelly
.556 - .900 - 4 - 43 - 12 - 8 - 4 - 1
Loose Stool: Dominic McGuire, Screen Team
.167 - N/A - 0 - 2 - 3 - 1 - 2 - 0
Upper Decker: Al Thornton, Fire Somebody
.526 - .714 - 0 - 25 - 9 - 2 - 1 - 0
3.16.2009
Late Night Dump
No late games means a pre-midnight loaf pinch.
Hot Shit: Chris Paul, Browless
.429 - 1.000 - 0 - 29 - 6 - 11 - 6 - 0
Loose Stool: Tyson Chandler, Prof. Dribbles
.400 - N/A - 0 - 4 - 7 - 0 - 2 - 1
Upper Decker: JR Smith, Black Prez
.429 - 1.000 - 6 - 19 - 4 - 4 - 0 - 0
Hot Shit: Chris Paul, Browless
.429 - 1.000 - 0 - 29 - 6 - 11 - 6 - 0
Loose Stool: Tyson Chandler, Prof. Dribbles
.400 - N/A - 0 - 4 - 7 - 0 - 2 - 1
Upper Decker: JR Smith, Black Prez
.429 - 1.000 - 6 - 19 - 4 - 4 - 0 - 0
Locker Room Dice Game
As most of you know, I am a huge fan of casino craps and last Friday night Bardey and I headed down to Atlantic City to try our luck at the tables. Neither of us had much success--though a late run brought me back within comfortable enough distance from even--but we did, as always, have a lot of fun. One of the best parts about craps is the table chatter. I am generally a supporter of chatter in any form, be it softball-, CB radio-, or craps table-chatter. Craps is one of the best forms of chatter because you'll yell out something ridiculous ("Six-Eight-Six-Eight-Fourrrrrrrrr!" or "Seven in Spaneesh!") and, if it comes out that way, you feel deeply that it had something to do with the quality and energy behind your yell, even though it was complete luck. However, when you're playing for several hours on end as we were, your chatter can get a little stale, so we started to dig into NBA player numbers to request from our shooters (i.e. yelling "Michael Jordan!" when we wanted a 5 since his number was 23 (2 and 3 adding up to five--I don't really need to explain this, right?).
Considering that we were fairly drunk and pretty tired, our player usage variety never got very extensive or creative ("Comeback Jordan!" would have been a clever one for nine, for example). With that in mind, I hit up basketball-reference.com to unearth some more numbers for our gamble-chatter pleasure. Here are a few of the possibilities I came up with, and I'd love to see a whole slew more from you guys in the chatter section.
"Snake Eyes" (1 - 1)
Chris "The Birdman" Anderson, 11 I'd have to be on coke to be cheering for a snake-eyes roll!
"Ace Deuce" (1 - 2)
Chris Paul, 3
Lamarcus Aldridge, 12
Tim Duncan, 21 Roll out those Big Fundamentals, shooter!
Note: I am not sure why you'd ever want a 3 unless you were playing a Field bet or something, and in all my times playing craps I've never understood what that shit was.
"Easy Four" (1 - 3)
Chris Webber, 4
Reggie Miller, 31
Wilt Chamberlain, 13 Max odds on the Stilt!
"Hard Four" (2 - 2)
Clyde Drexler, 22 Glide 'em on in there, shooter!
"Fever Five" (1 - 4, 2 - 3)
Junior Burrough, 5
Bob Cousy, 14
Jordan, 23
LeBron James, 23
Magic Johnson, 32 How 'bout a little Showtime, shooter?
Dirk Nowitzki, 41 You shoot well for a big man, shooter!
Wes Unseld, 41
Note: The Unseld would be reserved for a roll that hits the back felt on the fly, a la an Unseld outlet pass.
"Easy Six" (1 - 5, 2- 4)
Julius Erving, 6
Carmelo Anthony, 15
Kobe Bryant, 24 I'll take the rapist for 400, shooter!
Kevin Willis, 42
James Worthy, 42
"Hard Six" (3 - 3)
Scottie Pippen, 33
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, 33 Skyhook those dice, shooter!
Larry Bird, 33
33 is clearly the best basketball number, huh?
"Natural" (1 - 6, 2 - 5, 3 - 4)
Lamar Odom, 7 (yet another usage for) Hey Lamar!
Pau Gasol, 16
Hakeem Olajuwon, 34 Bring me the Dream, shooter!
Greg Oden, 52
Note: for come-out roll use only.
"Easy Eight" (2 - 6, 3 - 5)
Tyrone Nesby, 8
Kevin Durant, 35
Darryl Dawkins, 53 Don't fake the funk on a nasty dunk, shooter!
"Hard Eight" (4 - 4)
Derrick Coleman, 44
George Gervin, 44
Jerry West, 44 That forty-four would be Clutch right now, shooter!
"Nina" (3 - 6, 4 - 5)
Dan Majerle, 9 37 seconds!
Rajon Rondo, 9 RondOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
"Easy Ten" (4 - 6)
Walt Frazier, 10
"Hard Ten" (5 - 5)
Dikembe Mutombo, 55 [Wag finger disapprovingly at shooter]
"Yo" (5 - 6)
Yao Ming, 11
That last one is incredible. For those that don't know: in craps, to distinguish it from a seven, a roll of 11 is known as "Yo." In hoops, standing nearly 7' 7", a player wearing number 11 is known as "Yao." This is the sort of magical number shit that has kept the Chinese a bunch of primitive savages for ages, but you know what? I'm starting to believe.
Submit your own in the Comments section, por favor.
Considering that we were fairly drunk and pretty tired, our player usage variety never got very extensive or creative ("Comeback Jordan!" would have been a clever one for nine, for example). With that in mind, I hit up basketball-reference.com to unearth some more numbers for our gamble-chatter pleasure. Here are a few of the possibilities I came up with, and I'd love to see a whole slew more from you guys in the chatter section.
"Snake Eyes" (1 - 1)
Chris "The Birdman" Anderson, 11 I'd have to be on coke to be cheering for a snake-eyes roll!
"Ace Deuce" (1 - 2)
Chris Paul, 3
Lamarcus Aldridge, 12
Tim Duncan, 21 Roll out those Big Fundamentals, shooter!
Note: I am not sure why you'd ever want a 3 unless you were playing a Field bet or something, and in all my times playing craps I've never understood what that shit was.
"Easy Four" (1 - 3)
Chris Webber, 4
Reggie Miller, 31
Wilt Chamberlain, 13 Max odds on the Stilt!
"Hard Four" (2 - 2)
Clyde Drexler, 22 Glide 'em on in there, shooter!
"Fever Five" (1 - 4, 2 - 3)
Junior Burrough, 5
Bob Cousy, 14
Jordan, 23
LeBron James, 23
Magic Johnson, 32 How 'bout a little Showtime, shooter?
Dirk Nowitzki, 41 You shoot well for a big man, shooter!
Wes Unseld, 41
Note: The Unseld would be reserved for a roll that hits the back felt on the fly, a la an Unseld outlet pass.
"Easy Six" (1 - 5, 2- 4)
Julius Erving, 6
Carmelo Anthony, 15
Kobe Bryant, 24 I'll take the rapist for 400, shooter!
Kevin Willis, 42
James Worthy, 42
"Hard Six" (3 - 3)
Scottie Pippen, 33
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, 33 Skyhook those dice, shooter!
Larry Bird, 33
33 is clearly the best basketball number, huh?
"Natural" (1 - 6, 2 - 5, 3 - 4)
Lamar Odom, 7 (yet another usage for) Hey Lamar!
Pau Gasol, 16
Hakeem Olajuwon, 34 Bring me the Dream, shooter!
Greg Oden, 52
Note: for come-out roll use only.
"Easy Eight" (2 - 6, 3 - 5)
Tyrone Nesby, 8
Kevin Durant, 35
Darryl Dawkins, 53 Don't fake the funk on a nasty dunk, shooter!
"Hard Eight" (4 - 4)
Derrick Coleman, 44
George Gervin, 44
Jerry West, 44 That forty-four would be Clutch right now, shooter!
"Nina" (3 - 6, 4 - 5)
Dan Majerle, 9 37 seconds!
Rajon Rondo, 9 RondOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
"Easy Ten" (4 - 6)
Walt Frazier, 10
"Hard Ten" (5 - 5)
Dikembe Mutombo, 55 [Wag finger disapprovingly at shooter]
"Yo" (5 - 6)
Yao Ming, 11
That last one is incredible. For those that don't know: in craps, to distinguish it from a seven, a roll of 11 is known as "Yo." In hoops, standing nearly 7' 7", a player wearing number 11 is known as "Yao." This is the sort of magical number shit that has kept the Chinese a bunch of primitive savages for ages, but you know what? I'm starting to believe.
Submit your own in the Comments section, por favor.
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