Week 20 in Review: Game Re-Caps

What you missed if you were only paying attention to your own game, you selfish prick.

It just occurred to me that I haven't posted game re-caps for last week's games yet. Without further ado...

Working's fo Suckers 6 (fg%/3pm/pts/reb/ast/blk)
Screen Team 2 (ft%/stl)
This is a tale of two teams headed in opposite directions, but it's happened a little too late in the season for it to matter. Heading into Week 20, the Suckers had gone 15-9 the previous three weeks, while Screen Team were 8-16 during the same stretch. The trends continued in this match-up, where Deron Williams averaged a double-double (17 pts, 11 ast), Jason Kidd was lighting it up from outside (11 threes), and Dirk led the team in points (110), boards (37), and blocks (5). The Screeners continued to be hampered by the absence of KG and KD, and despite being the most active manager in the market this year, the guys Screen came up with to replace them (Udonis Haslem and Rashad McCants) have little business starting for a playoff-bound fantasy basketball squad. Durant has since returned, but Screen better hope Garnett follows soon if he hopes to make any noise in the playoffs.

The Browless Wonders 5 (ft%/3pm/pts/reb/stl)
Kill Whitey 3 (fg%/ast/blk)
I have not done the research to back this up, but based simply on doing these write-ups each week, I'm gonna say that Chris Paul is leading the league in steals by a margin of probably 4-5 steals per game over the next best thief. It just seems like every time I write about his match-up he's got way more than anyone else on either team, and not surprisingly Steals was one of the Wonders' most dominant victories this week. That could also have something to do with the fact that Dekker's team is full of big, slow, play-it-safe white guys. And even though the career steals leader (John Stockton) is a whitey, that's because he played Illegal Defense all the time, hanging out in the passing lanes without getting it called because the refs were in his pocket. Do they even have Illegal Defense anymore? I think that rule changed, so maybe Paul does the same thing except it's legal now. In other news... even though I hate most of Will's players, I'm happy to see Jason Terry back and healthy and dropping 11 threes and 98 points on Kill Whitey's head.

Snap Jelly Soldiers 6 (fg%/ft%/pts/reb/ast/blk)
Dominique Moceanu 2 (3pm/stl)
LeBron this week had...
...more points than Rodney Stuckey and Ben Gordon combined.
...more rebounds than Tim Duncan.
...more assists than all three Snap Jelly guards put together.
...more steals than Gerald Wallace and John Salmons.
...more blocks than Yao Ming.
And all those guys, decent players in their own rights, are on his team. How do we keep Snap Jelly from winning the championship? Simple: we hypnotize Reggie Jackson and implant a signal in his watch that, when triggered, will direct him to assassinate King James during the seventh-inning stretch of the Cavaliers upcoming game against the Seattle Mariners.
As for Moceanu...
...nice steals, Mario Chalmers! (13)

Great Oden's Raven 5 (ft%/3pm/pts/ast/stl)
Black Prezodents 3 (fg%/reb/blk)
Honestly, I was pretty happy to come out of this one down 5-3, considering that I spent most of the week at 6-2 and flirted with 7-1 on several occasions. Something must have happened to the Ravenettes shooting touch on Sunday and my guys must have been hitting because that was one of the only times all week I was leading that category. The Prezbos just got slaughtered by Dwyane Wade. His per-game averages: 2.5 threes, 37 points, 6 boards, 8 assists, 3 steals, 1.5 blocks. That's a Hot Shit performance for four straight games. Just unbelievable. Basically, the categories I won--fg%-reb-blk--were won by three guys: Al Horford (.525-40-8), Antonio McDyess (.536-65-6), and Lamar Odom (.379-32-7). Antawn Jamison's 9 threes and 117 points are admirable, but essentially useless against the onslaught of Great Oden, who always get solid multi-cat contributions from Chauncey Billups (8 threes, 23 assists) and Stephen Jackson (6 threes, 26 assists).

Fear the Turtle 5 (pts/reb/ast/stl/blk)
Black Ice 3 (fg%/ft%/3pm)
You would think that with Kevin Garnett out, a multi-time All-Star and champion like Ray Allen would pick up some of his glue-guy, defensive-minded slack, but I've noticed that in this recent stretch, Allen still doesn't do shit besides score and hit threes. I have to imagine that his failure to do anything else has a lot to do with the Celtics recent struggles. It also explains why Black Ice who count on Allen as their best players, couldn't compete with a sub-par Fear the Turtle team in any of the volume stats besides 3s. The Turtles, on the other hand, have a legit star in Joe Johnson, who had a very strong week (10 threes, 126 points, 23 assists, 6 steals) right after I traded him away in my middle school league.

One Down... One to Go 7 (everything but steals)
Professor Dribbles 0
Well, Bardey didn't exactly sweep, but Deyoung did get blanked, thanks to a tie in steals. I'm not sure how Dribbles has managed to squander the talents of Kobe Bryant and Paul Pierce this season, but it may have something to do with starting guys like Tyrus Thomas while Rip Hamilton rots on the bench. Then again, even Coatesville's proudest son probably couldn't have made much of a dent in the One to Go wall of stats this week. Bardey's squad was tops in the league in threes and points, second in blocks, and third in boards and assists. Those are Snap Jelly-esque figures, and not surprisingly those two teams will be chilling with Byes in a few days when the Playoffs begin. Though he lacks one of those LeBron-Kobe-CP3 type stars, Bardey makes up for it by getting solid contributions from nearly every position and having standout guys in certain categories, like Dwight Howard in rebounds (56) and blocks (15) and Nate Robinson in points (107) and assists (27).

Here are your Best and Worst for Week 20:
Field Goal Percentage: Kill Whitey .515, Screen Team .408
Free Throw Percentage: Browless Wonders .862, Prof. Dribbles .713
3-Pointers Made: One Down... One to Go 40, Fear the Turtle 15
Points: One Down... One to Go 668, Black Ice 355
Rebounds: Snap Jelly Soldiers 220, Dominique Moceanu 163
Assists: Working's fo Suckers 130, Dominique Moceanu 69
Steals: Dominique Moceanu 47, Kill Whitey 26
Blocks: Snap Jelly Soldiers 48, Black Ice 6

Match-ups for the final week of the regular season are...
Black Prezodents vs. Working's fo Suckers (Battle of the Boroughs)
The Browless Wonders vs. Great Oden's Raven (Battle of Austin)
Fear the Turtle vs. Kill Whitey (Battle of Guys who have nothing in common)
Professor Dribbles vs. BLACK ICE (Battle of Mary Washington)
Snap Jelly Soldiers vs. One Down... (Battle of Sagoponack Wiffle Ball)
Dominique Moceanu vs. Screen Team (Battle of Marvin Upstairs)

Good luck to all in Week 21, except for Jesse, who will never get his Euro '08 Fun Club steak now that he spends all his time on the Left Coast.

Morning Dump

A daily look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: LeBron James, Snap Jelly
.556 - .900 - 4 - 43 - 12 - 8 - 4 - 1

Loose Stool: Dominic McGuire, Screen Team
.167 - N/A - 0 - 2 - 3 - 1 - 2 - 0

Upper Decker: Al Thornton, Fire Somebody
.526 - .714 - 0 - 25 - 9 - 2 - 1 - 0

Late Night Dump

No late games means a pre-midnight loaf pinch.

Hot Shit: Chris Paul, Browless
.429 - 1.000 - 0 - 29 - 6 - 11 - 6 - 0

Loose Stool: Tyson Chandler, Prof. Dribbles
.400 - N/A - 0 - 4 - 7 - 0 - 2 - 1

Upper Decker: JR Smith, Black Prez
.429 - 1.000 - 6 - 19 - 4 - 4 - 0 - 0

Locker Room Dice Game

As most of you know, I am a huge fan of casino craps and last Friday night Bardey and I headed down to Atlantic City to try our luck at the tables. Neither of us had much success--though a late run brought me back within comfortable enough distance from even--but we did, as always, have a lot of fun. One of the best parts about craps is the table chatter. I am generally a supporter of chatter in any form, be it softball-, CB radio-, or craps table-chatter. Craps is one of the best forms of chatter because you'll yell out something ridiculous ("Six-Eight-Six-Eight-Fourrrrrrrrr!" or "Seven in Spaneesh!") and, if it comes out that way, you feel deeply that it had something to do with the quality and energy behind your yell, even though it was complete luck. However, when you're playing for several hours on end as we were, your chatter can get a little stale, so we started to dig into NBA player numbers to request from our shooters (i.e. yelling "Michael Jordan!" when we wanted a 5 since his number was 23 (2 and 3 adding up to five--I don't really need to explain this, right?).
Considering that we were fairly drunk and pretty tired, our player usage variety never got very extensive or creative ("Comeback Jordan!" would have been a clever one for nine, for example). With that in mind, I hit up basketball-reference.com to unearth some more numbers for our gamble-chatter pleasure. Here are a few of the possibilities I came up with, and I'd love to see a whole slew more from you guys in the chatter section.

"Snake Eyes" (1 - 1)
Chris "The Birdman" Anderson, 11 I'd have to be on coke to be cheering for a snake-eyes roll!

"Ace Deuce" (1 - 2)
Chris Paul, 3
Lamarcus Aldridge, 12
Tim Duncan, 21 Roll out those Big Fundamentals, shooter!
Note: I am not sure why you'd ever want a 3 unless you were playing a Field bet or something, and in all my times playing craps I've never understood what that shit was.

"Easy Four" (1 - 3)
Chris Webber, 4
Reggie Miller, 31
Wilt Chamberlain, 13 Max odds on the Stilt!

"Hard Four" (2 - 2)
Clyde Drexler, 22 Glide 'em on in there, shooter!

"Fever Five" (1 - 4, 2 - 3)
Junior Burrough, 5
Bob Cousy, 14
Jordan, 23
LeBron James, 23
Magic Johnson, 32 How 'bout a little Showtime, shooter?
Dirk Nowitzki, 41 You shoot well for a big man, shooter!
Wes Unseld, 41
Note: The Unseld would be reserved for a roll that hits the back felt on the fly, a la an Unseld outlet pass.

"Easy Six" (1 - 5, 2- 4)
Julius Erving, 6
Carmelo Anthony, 15
Kobe Bryant, 24 I'll take the rapist for 400, shooter!
Kevin Willis, 42
James Worthy, 42

"Hard Six" (3 - 3)
Scottie Pippen, 33
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, 33 Skyhook those dice, shooter!
Larry Bird, 33
33 is clearly the best basketball number, huh?

"Natural" (1 - 6, 2 - 5, 3 - 4)
Lamar Odom, 7 (yet another usage for) Hey Lamar!
Pau Gasol, 16
Hakeem Olajuwon, 34 Bring me the Dream, shooter!
Greg Oden, 52
Note: for come-out roll use only.

"Easy Eight" (2 - 6, 3 - 5)
Tyrone Nesby, 8
Kevin Durant, 35
Darryl Dawkins, 53 Don't fake the funk on a nasty dunk, shooter!

"Hard Eight" (4 - 4)
Derrick Coleman, 44
George Gervin, 44
Jerry West, 44 That forty-four would be Clutch right now, shooter!

"Nina" (3 - 6, 4 - 5)
Dan Majerle, 9 37 seconds!
Rajon Rondo, 9 RondOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

"Easy Ten" (4 - 6)
Walt Frazier, 10

"Hard Ten" (5 - 5)
Dikembe Mutombo, 55 [Wag finger disapprovingly at shooter]

"Yo" (5 - 6)
Yao Ming, 11

That last one is incredible. For those that don't know: in craps, to distinguish it from a seven, a roll of 11 is known as "Yo." In hoops, standing nearly 7' 7", a player wearing number 11 is known as "Yao." This is the sort of magical number shit that has kept the Chinese a bunch of primitive savages for ages, but you know what? I'm starting to believe.

Submit your own in the Comments section, por favor.

Morning Dump

A quick look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit: Vince Carter, Fire Leitao
.500 - 1.000 - 5 - 41 - 7 - 6 - 2 - 0

Loose Stool: Rashad McCants, Screen Team
.500 - N/A - 0 - 2 - 2 - 1 - 0 - 0

Upper Decker: Baron Davis, Black Prez
.375 - 1.000 - 1 - 20 - 6 - 10 - 2 - 1

Son of a bitch, that's an Octuplet on my bench.

Morning Dump

A quick look at last night's highs and lows.

Hot Shit:
Dwyane Wade, Great Oden
.487 - .889 - 4 - 50 - 10 - 9 - 4 - 2
Jesus this guy has killed me this week.

Loose Stool:
Michael Beasley, Black Prez
.240 - 1.000 - 0 - 8 - 1 - 1 - 1 - 0

Upper Decker:
Kevin Durant, Screen Team
.450 - 1.000 - 1 - 22 - 6 - 2 - 1 - 1
Screen can't really be blamed for benching KD, since this is his first game in weeks, but it's worth noting that he is back.

An Open Letter...

...to the guy sitting in front of Bardey and me on the bus to AC last night.

Dear Sir:
Oh, I'm sorry. Did our quiet, conventional conversation bother you? To the point that you felt the need to shush or, as you so so eloquently put it, complain that it was "a long... talk"? I truly apologize. After all, this is a Greyhound bus that cost you $17, and you are travelling from New York City to Atlantic City on a Friday night, so I can imagine you need your rest. I mean, you could be sending your hard-earned money back to your family in Laos, but instead you're heading to a casino to gamble it away; that must be exhausting. As long as we're talking, though, let me make a few suggestions:
1) Since we're on a bus with approximately 6 inches of space between my seat and yours, and you've decided that you should fully recline your seat-back, perhaps the problem is that I have failed to fully embrace my responsibility as the man sitting behind you. Your head (and with it, your seat) is literally in my lap, so perhaps I could help you get some rest. Maybe I could massage your temples? They are, after all, six inches away from my face, and as long as I can't so much as shift my legs or lean forward, I might as well stretch my muscles by comforting you. Perhaps I could even sing you a lullabye? Would that help?
Oh, or maybe you could decide not to recline your seat, as I have done on every bus and train I've taken for the past six years? Considering that reclining adds to your comfort about .001%, and makes it so that I am frozen in a rigid, corpse-like state in my own seat, de-clining would seem to server the greater good; but it's totally up to you, brah.
2) Considering that you we're so incredibly close, maybe it would have made sense for you to bring an IPod and headphones on this trip. I mean, I packed light, what with it being a one-night trip and all, but I at least brought some tunes just in case I wanted to drown out the sound of 60 other people on my bus and listen to some of the music I like en route to Atlantic City. It's a crazy idea, I know, but portable, personal music has been around for about 30 years now, so maybe it's something you should look into.
3) Then again, IPods can be expensive, and portable CD players are nearly 20 dollars these days, so maybe that's something you can't afford. I get it, man. The economy is tight and you're trying to save every buck, so let me clue you in. They've come up with these crazy things called earplugs, and they cost about a dollar. Here's how I use them: basically, any time I know that my ears are going to be SIX FUCKING INCHES from somebody's mouth, I get myself a pair of these babies to drown out the noise. It could be talking; it could be snoring; it could be breathing. At that distance, it's more or less a function of BASIC HUMAN BEHAVIOR that I'm going to hear whatever the fuck is going on and I'm not going to be totally comfortable. I might like to drown some shit out. A nice pair of earplugs achieves this in a cheap, easily-available way.
4) Maybe, whatever the fuck your problem is, you could just shut the fuck up and let it go and not be such a fucking pussy. You ever think of that, you stupid son of a bitch? Instead of complaing about people having a conversation and then spending the next sixty minutes swinging your head around like a wild man as you fall asleep, nod off into the aisle, and wake up AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN, you could just stay awake for an extra hour on your way down to the fucking casinos.
These are only a few of the many possible solutions I could propose to the problems you enountered on the prime time bus from the Port Authority to Caesar's on the night of Friday, March 13th. If I can be of any more assistance, please don't hesitate to contact me. I can be reached at youreafuckingfuck@worthlesspieceofshit.com.
Regards!
Jeremiah Johnson

Note: I actually have no problem with this guy. Many's the time I've been on a bus or train between NYC and DC and been totally frustrated with conversations going on around me. As soon as he requested that Bardey and I quiet down, we did, and with no complaint. It's just that I didn't bring any reading material on the bus and had an hour and half to stew to myself about it, and this is what I came up with. If I receive one request with regards to this blog, it's that I be more angry, so I figured I might as well publish this. Hope you enjoyed.